MyShowbizBlog

Trying not to care

2012-02-10T13:47:00.003Z

As almost none of you will know, I have fairly recently returned to making regular videos on Youtube. I can't tell you exactly what made me want to return to making videos, I guess things just run in cycles and Youtube has become interesting again.

I always enjoyed making videos, coming up with something creative, filming, editing and such, but I never could quite come to terms with the lack of return for the effort I would put in. I would look at other channels and see the progress being made, not always huge strides, often slow progress, then as I looked at my own channel, I would wonder why it was so difficult to get people to want to support it.

The rush of making a video was always a really good feeling, but I could never temper my high expectations and those expectations were never met, not even close.

Of course, now I'd kill for four or five hundred views per video.

Since returning, the reception has been severely underwhelming and I constantly flip flop between giving up and trying again. The views on my videos have dropped to under one hundred per video. It's very hard not to feel hugely unappealing when the numbers are that low. I tweet a link to a new video, I ask for comments and rarely get anything from it. I don't enjoy this aspect of it, because I feel like I'm begging people just to watch.

Maybe I'm just missing the time when things were closer. That'll probably never happen again. There's always been this talk of community with youtube and maybe it still exists, I don't know. I just kind of feel like the only kid in class who wasn't invited to the birthday party.

I will still continue to post videos, I enjoy having something creative to do, it's not very time consuming. I really wish I just didn't care about the response, or lack of it.

2011-11-06T19:59:00.002Z

I really wish the news media wouldn't revel so gleefully in such tragic accidents like the M5 crash. Why does the general public need to know who the people involved were, where they were going, what they were going there for?

Why does the ITV News feel it necessary to go to the town of some of the deceased relatives and interview them? Is that in the public interest? It is so intrusive, it's beyond crass. It was an awful accident that we should be informed about, and that's it..

Friendships

2011-08-19T18:38:00.009+01:00

It's occurred to me recently that friendships seem to have life cycles, or mine do. I don't think I've ever had a good friendship that has lasted more than four years, certainly not one that has been life long.

It's strange, I know a few people who have friends they have known their whole life, I don't know why that's never been the case for me. Oddly I am a person who would greatly benefit from a long lasting friendship. Somebody who has always been there and always will be. I am someone who likes close friendships with just a select few and I value loyalty perhaps more than anything else. I struggle when my friendship group expands and I have always been of the opinion that if you invite more and more people in to your circle, then those who are already there will inevitably get pushed out.

For years this has been my outlook, but it's always blown up in my face. Because as these friendships that I felt were ever lasting come to the end of their life cycle and dry up. My reluctance to let any new people in ultimately means that every few years I'm left friendless. I have nobody to fall back on, nobody to step in to the role of 'best friend' and each time I wonder where or if I'll ever find another friend, sad as that may sound.

At no point in my life do I recall ever definitively ending a friendship, they have tended to gradually fade away and I have always felt there is little I could do to stop that. Over recent years I have valued closer relationships more and more. I don't know whether losing so many friends in the past has made me want to form stronger bonds with those I have befriended subsequently and whether that in turn has made me more nervous about the prospect of losing another friend, or whether in adulthood you just instinctively know how important good friends are and how lost you would feel without them. But I am now finding myself breaking friendships with people as I see the signs that they too will move on sooner rather than later.

I don't know whether I feel as though I'm somehow in the driving seat by doing this or whether I'm just saving face. How many times can your friends sod off before you start to think you might smell? But for whatever reason, this is the course of action I find myself taking more and more. As those who find others begin to believe that things are rosier away from me and as their contact dries up. I find myself continually becoming upset and angry that the virtue of loyalty is not held in such a high regard by other people. And when I find myself constantly begging my friends to be my friends, I think I have to step back and understand that friendships are not necessarily for life and my friend is no longer that. It's a hard pill to swallow, but one I have gotten used to over my life.

It's hard to change the person you are and the traits you hold dear, but I think I have to try to open up and allow more people in to my life so that as the people come and go, I'll have a few more who are left standing alongside me.

Friendship is a funny old thing, but it's something that should never be taken for granted. Never should you think that a friendship will always be there for you if you want it. I have learnt that rarely is that ever the case. Friendship is a privilege and the more it is abused the more meaningless it becomes.

Youtube is broke, but they wont fix it.

2011-04-25T18:34:00.011+01:00

I was linked to a video by AndrewBravener today called 'An Open Letter To Youtube' in which he went over a number of reasons why he hasn't been posting videos with any great regularity.

Much of what he said was pretty much spot on, and a lot of it I have said both privately and publicly for some time. The biggest problem being Youtube's decision to stop featuring people on a daily basis on the front page. As he quite rightly alluded to, the daily feature was something for little known youtubers to aspire to, to think that there was a possibility it could happen, was enough to drive many to keep on making videos and then want to continue to improve with each upload.

Why was this? Well at that time, for appreciation. For a small token of recognition. Andrew pointed out early in his video that “Youtube doesn't owe you subscribers or views” and that is correct, and the reasons in which people wish to 'make it' on Youtube have changed dramatically since when I joined in 2007. This was before the days of adsense and partnered channels. There was no monetary advantage at that point from being successful and well known, well not unless you made it pay-off through your own diligence. No, at that time, people just loved their moment in the sun. A day where thousands of people would see the little video that you made and maybe like it and subscribe.

In 2011, people are well aware of the benefits of popularity on youtube. Money! And who wouldn't want it? Who wouldn't want to prop up their career with a steady stream of money coming from making videos every so often and uploading them to the Internet? They know they can make money, can achieve fame, get opportunities for media work and benefit from award invites and industry parties. The reasons for why people are starting Youtube channels is now largely to see what they can get from it, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. These opportunities were not there in the past. If you wanted to get in to presenting or acting, you would likely need to move to London or get an agent. It's great that everybody now has a platform to get themselves seen.

Something that hasn't changed however is the necessity of having contacts. And that is something that AndrewBravener fails to cover in his otherwise excellent video. The problem with people 'playing the game' and trying to make a career from Youtube is that they are closing the doors for other people just as much as Youtube are.

Is it a coincidence that very popular youtubers have a circle of Youtube friends that also happen to be very popular? No. They seek each other out and it's mutually beneficial to them to be friends. I'm not saying that all of their friendships are superficial, or even that they initially intended to make friends with certain people in order to get a leg up. For instance, years ago when I first started, if I were to get a comment from a Nerimon or Jimmy0010, that would excite me more than a comment from a joeblogs100. At that point, those guys only had one or two-thousand subscribers, but at that point, they were still big names. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, it's just human nature to be slightly awe-struck by people with fame. It's no different to being more excited about getting a birthday card from David Beckham than from your mate Steve! So it's likely that these friendships blossomed initially from a mutual appreciation, but 'playing the game' has become hugely important to popular youtubers and they know that links with other youtubers with large fan-bases could pay dividends for them also. Because of this, thier 'friendships' outwardly appear business like.

This is why you'll likely find that all the people on top of Youtube, will have a section on their page linking to other people to subscribe to and this will be full of people that they know and are most likely already quite popular. In turn, their friends will link back to them and all the new subscribers are shared out among a few people. AndrewBravener is guilty of this himself and while on face value, it's not a huge crime, if he and others like him want to bring back the feeling of community, then don't just keep it in the family, branch out. I'm not suggesting that they should link to people that they don't know, but why not link to some of the lesser known people who you are subscribed to? Why only link to a select few who don't need the help?

Alternatively, you could continually rotate your channel links to include all the people that you rate over a period of time. Those at the top have a vested interest in staying there, so I can well understand why they are unwilling to change in order to help others. But to those like AndrewBravener, who do hold some Youtube clout, and do want things to change, they need to spear head the change and actively encourage others to be a part of it.

One thing I remember fondly from those early days on Youtube, was the buzz you got when somebody promoted your channel out of the blue and for no other reason than because they enjoyed your videos and thought more people should see them. I see less and less 'shout out's' now than ever before and even when I see them, it goes like this “Hey to all my one-hundred thousand subscribers out there, big shout out to such and such, go subscribe to them” and then when you go check them out, they too have hundreds of thousands of subscribers. Why not instead, promote that person that you are subscribed to, that only has a few hundred subscribers. You might not know them, but you enjoy what they do, so let people know about them.

I remember my first shout out from EmiliaTsontilis. She didn't have a great number of subscribers, but it didn't matter and I had no idea that she'd done it. One day I woke up and had about twenty more subscription emails than normal and it was brilliant, and it was so nice of somebody to do that. I also got great satisfaction out of promoting SeanieBlahBlah's channel. I can't remember how many subscribers he got from it, but it was enough and he really appreciated it at a time when we barely knew each other. It was those small acts of kindness that made youtube feel like a community, and it's something that people have the power to change just as much as Youtube does.

If a Charlieissocoollike were to mention that he liked a little known youtuber's videos, and that his fans should go have a watch and subscribe if they like them, do you think that would have any less affect than a front page feature? In fact, I'd bet it would have an even greater effect. That is the power that those at the top hold and they have the ability, if they want it, to breath new life in to the website that gave them 'fame'.

As for Youtube themselves. How much do they care about community? They were haemorrhaging money, the business model wasn't working, they changed it. I don't believe Youtube see any great benefit in changing the system to make new stars because at the moment, it's still working for them. Youtube are Chelsea F.C. They have the ageing team, but until the success completely dries up, they don't need to invest in creating new stars when they can invest in ones that already have name value.

About a year or so ago, I wrote to the editor of the UK site to express my anger at the spotlit videos. They were all people with many thousands of subscribers, one of the videos had a million views and was doing pretty well for itself. I wasn't looking for a feature myself, but I just wanted to highlight the absurdity of the videos that were given pride of place and my theory that these people were spotlit because they already had large fan-bases, which means more revenue, which means more money for Youtube. I never received a reply.

Youtube is a business, they seem to have found success and so they have closed the doors in order to concentrate on the 'stars' they already have. The change needs to come from those youtubers at the top, they can promote new channels and cause a trickle down effect. But how does that benefit them? It doesn't, whereas creating a bubble around all the most popular people, sharing the audience among themselves, allows them to remain at the top and make more money. So, how do you get popular of Youtube? Ferret your way in to that select group, make the right friends and ride them all the way to the top. And the people who are trying so hard to do that, stick out like a hard on in a pair of speedos. And they're just as off-putting!

Sometimes I miss my blog

2010-06-25T02:18:00.002+01:00

I don't intend this to be a permanent thing. But for the first time since I shut down the blog, I have an urge to write in it.

I am also confused as to whether to reinstate the blog, if only for a short time, or not. I guess, as with most of my blog entries. It's one thing to write down what I'm thinking and feeling, but without releasing that to anybody else, I'm not sure I'll feel like I'm getting anything off of my chest. Merely writing down what I'm feeling seems fruitless. I am feeling it, I already know!

Of course talking would be the obvious remedy of these situations that build to ridiculous levels, but I don't like obvious remedies. Instead, I fanny about with herbal medicine, hoping that it will cure me without the need to see a doctor. It doesn't, because it's shit!

I just wrote what was on my mind. And now it's deleted, because, it didn't make me feel better. Publishing it wouldn't have made me feel better, It wouldn't have made things better. It was the same old cryptic shite that I would write before and you know what? It is so pathetic. Either say what you wanna say or don't. And I guess I don't want to.

Oh, the complexities of blogging.

I am going to write on because I don't want that confusing mess of words to be the only thing written it this first blog in months. And likely this will be the only blog for months also. I don't know that I wish to continue this regularly.

I did an audioboo today. I enjoy audiobooing. It reminds me of when I were young and wanted to be on the radio. I like how much easier it seems than making a video on youtube. I don't have to make an effort to look presentable. I don't have to look for angles where my chins don't look so mammoth. It's just, press record, have a chat and bob's your uncle. Well, I complicate things a little with music, which I'm sure isn't allowed but fuck it. I also like that only about 4 people bother with audioboo, so I don't feel like there's any pressure for it to be all that good.

The podcast is coming along well. I probably have enough now to put together an episode, it's just making the effort. I have quite enjoyed making the episodes, however I don't think I ever thought it'd be as hard as it has proved to be. I think, because I'm doing it alone, the content almost has to be a properly constructed monologue, aimed at being entertaining. When you have a partner to bounce off, it's easy to chat about anything and it'll lead on to the next topic organically. The ease in which you can bounce off people to be entertaining makes it a much more appealing way of making podcasts. Currently, I am thinking quite thoroughly about what goes in the show believe it or not. But after three episodes so far, it does feel like too much effort for what it is. Fortunately those who do regularly listen, seem to enjoy it. Few though that may be, it's still nice that they do. Hopefully they genuinely do too.

I went down to Specsavers this morning (yesterday morning I guess) I've had a little difficulty seeing long distances for a few years now. It's mainly an issue watching TV. Not knowing what the time code says on the football match, not being able to read the information for what's on next on the freeview guide. I never really saw it as a big enough problem to warrant going somewhere I knew I'd be uncomfortable. But over the years it has gradually been more blurry and recently I tried a friends glasses on who had a similar problem, and just on his prescription, I was properly amazed at how clear my vision became. It was like my eyes became HD. I expected it when I looked at the TV (although I figured it'd get bigger, but it actually got smaller and more crisp) but I never imagined how different it would be looking at someones face.

Anyway, it persuaded me to go get the test and hopefully in a weeks time, I'll collect my glasses and have clear vision again. I must say that I was almost fighting against getting glasses now that it seems everyone wears them regardless of whether they need them or not.

FUCK THIS, it's 3am nearly and I'm typing about going and getting an eye test. How pathetically mundane.

Gonna go to bed now. The angst I held when starting this blog seems to have dispersed somewhat, so sleep is now the best option for me.

Phasing Out

2010-03-14T19:59:00.006Z

I think it's time to move on from people online, all but a few close friends. Because I just don't see a need to pretend anymore with people. I have made a small number of good friends online over the past couple of years. I've also made a number of contacts through the net who aren't friends, they are just part of a group that died back when Stickam ended and I've picked a few more up along the way. Some of these people I liked, some not, however the pretense has gone on long enough and now I don't feel the need to humour people by making small talk with them or pretending I like their videos or whatever else might be expected.

I asked in my last blog what people liked in a blog and one of the points often used was about using a blog to vent grievances about people and specifically, when people vent those thoughts ambiguously. I think I agree with it. I am certainly guilty of it, however I would at the very least defend myself by saying that the vast majority of my grievances were related to close friends and as such, the manor in which I said things were largely gentile and nothing ultra personal was used. It however can be construed as nasty and unhelpful and so I think it's probably the right time to wrap up this log because I haven't much else to blog about other than my feelings and unfortunately that would include venting and I think it would be even worse if I named people.

I think it'll do me good to be away from certain aspects of the Internet. The nastiness is one of those things, some people are obviously very blunt in their language to people and are outright pricks to people. In everyday life you tolerate people who publicly take digs for as long as you can to see if they give up, but one day you think fuck it and punch them in the face. The easiest thing to do is just remove yourself from aspects of the net that you don't like.

I'm still considering how to go about this. I'm not sure about twitter and whether I delete it, or get a new account, because I do actually like twitter. I wont leave YouTube, I may make occasional videos if I get an idea, but I lost the will to care about the 'community' a long time ago, as many others have.

So I think I'll phase this thing out so I can get used to it rather than deleting everything, getting bored and then going back again. The blog is gone, I'll leave this post up for a day or two and then make it only viewable to me. The rest of it, who knows, I think obviously every pocket of friends shares various responsibilities for nastiness and backbiting. But I think it's time we all just think, lets stop pretending.

I guess as a final note to everyone. I have a few close friends, I care very much about them. If I stop making an effort with you, it may not necessarily be because I dislike you. I'm cutting of the edges. We all feel obligated to make small talk but we're not friends, friends are people who you are there for and care about their problems. A quick 5 minute IM on Skype every few weeks does not qualify and that shouldn't be something to be upset about, we all have our select few and although you may wonder, 'what's the harm in casual acquaintances?' I say nothing. However by chit chatting with one person, I then feel obliged to chat to everybody and in all reality nobody really cares, chit chat is a release of boredom for a few minutes. I wouldn't turn my back on real friends.

An Explaination About Football

2010-01-02T01:42:00.006Z

Rookie manager Rocky, manages the team and he needs to pick the best players available to him. It doesn't matter which teams they came from, his job is to build a new team. Unfortunately there are fringe players and they are of no real use to anybody. They've been there for a while, but there's no way you'd pick them if you had a full strength squad with no injuries. So the fringe players ultimately have to be sold off to smaller teams where they may be able to get first team football. It doesn't matter that some of the fringe players have been good friends with the star player, the star player has no obligation to those on the fringe.

It's the harsh world of football management, where loyalty is impossible and sad though it may be, the friends you make at one team are of no use to you when you move on. Some may go on to play for Madrid, while others may slip into the lower leagues. I'm pretty shit at football.

I wonder what Chris Casper's up to these days?

Some things I wrote a year ago

2010-01-01T02:33:00.008Z

1st January 2009

New years messages

Unfortunately I only recieved two, I was very happy to recieve any to be honest, PJ sent me one saying 'everyone wished I was there', which is probably not true but nice to hear anyway. But I think the most moving new years message I recieved was from Tom Burns, it was a beautiful message that simply read 'Happy Birthday'

Me thinks he'd drunk a little last night, I got pissed on Lambrini, because I'm just that classy.

2010 - This year I only recieved 2 messages from Darren and Tom. Oh dear. At least Tom's one didn't say 'Happy Birthday' this time XD

31st December 2008

New Year

It seems pretty strange to wish everybody a happy new year after all these depressing posts but I do hope that all the people I care about have a really great 2009 and I hope I can be a part of it in some way. It's not that I don't want the people I don't care about to have a good 2009, I just don't particularly care, either way it'd be nice if everybody could get what they want, apart from the scum, they can just die in 2009. Hitler had the right idea but the wrong target, lets cleanse the world of all the scummy arseholes who get suspended sentences for assault and whatever other ridiculously soft "punishments" this Country hands out.

Anyway, happy new year and shit

Extract from entry entitled 'Change'

Am watching top of the pops, Reggie and Fern should just fuck off. Also it's possible to be so good at singing that you ruin a song, learn that Leona.

*UPDATE* STILL FUCK OFF FERN AND REGGIE!!

20th December 2008

I just remembered

In my dream last night, I was gonna do heroin with Jeff Buckley and his mate. but I chickened out and Jeff OD'd and I had to run shouting for help. It's weird cos I think he actually drowned and I don't own a Jeff Buckley CD and I barely know what he looks like apart from good looking. But I love how inventive dreams can be.

How important do you consider your tweets?

2009-12-18T22:39:00.003Z

I just vented a little on twitter. But 140 characters are by no way enough to express how fucked off I am by it all. I touched on it in my last blog post about how everybody doesn't show the same support as they used to, and that I could understand how people didn't have the same level of commitment to youtube anymore, myself included. However, one thing that none of us are ever off, is twitter.

How hard is it, for people who you believe to be your friends, to retweet a video that you have worked on. You don't even have to fucking like it, just retweet the original message. I've lost count of how many times I've commented on friends videos that I didn't much care for or have anything to say about it, but I did it, because, they are my friend and I wanted to show them support from a source they would expect it from. So the argument of not tweeting because you don't rate it is out the window. Is throwing a tweet away on retweeting a friends video and helping them get something they worked hard on seen by more people, really worth less than throwing a tweet away on saying "it's snowing :)" or "so and so, just won at Mario" or "ROFL *picture link*"

It's just such an easy and effortless gesture to give to a friend. People, sell themselves on youtube, there are many instances of people supporting them even financially.

I dunno where I'm going, just fucked me off that after an hour, like 4 people had retweeted Dale's video, 2 of them were people that he didn't even know. What have people got to lose by clicking the retweet button and trying to get it off the ground, he has many "friends" on the internet and it's fucking selfish or lazy to just ignore such a simple gesture that takes no effort and means something to somebody.

I'm probably as guilty as everybody I'm fucked off with right now. But with the loss of support that people used to give. Maybe we should try and get on the retweet thing a little more? Or maybe people have too many friends and can't keep up with all the videos. Well, then, you're mistaken, you don't have the friends that you think you have.

Some ranting about some stuff

2009-12-15T02:59:00.009Z

Firstly. Everyone on my google reader are shit at writing blogs. There's never anything to read anymore. All we get now are images of dogs wearing hats and such that people deem worthy of tumblr and someone else liked it and they linked to it, then there are a nest of names that mean fuck all to me, the end. Sort it out people.

I just allowed myself for the first time in months to check up on someone I've had to cut out for my own sake. And I thought I'd feel utter shit as usual. But I didn't! I felt fine, I guess that's progress. It's sad how things work out, but I have no control over it, I took measures to protect myself for once and it feels great not to have those emotions eating away at me any longer. It's good!

Next up - Holly Willoughby. What the fucking fuck is going on at ITV? Who the hell is that bird fucking to be plastered all over the tele on every fucking programme in existence across their network? I think it's Phillip Schofield personally. But what has she got going for her? She's not pretty. She might have a decent body but she has a square face with rounded features, none of which are attractive. She looks like Kim Clijsters FFS. But you know what? I'm being shallow! Personality goes a long way! Remember the pig? Wait a cotton pickin second, she has zero personality, no charisma and all the humour of a brick. So, let me recap. The girl isn't much to look at, has nothing personality wise, but yet hosts just about everything on ITV1 and ITV2? Seriously, she's either shagging somebody or she's got dirty secrets on higher ups.

The other day on twitter, I posted this tweet 'Retweet this message', and like 25 people did it. Fuck knows why, it was meaningless, however when I actually put together a video, one that I am rather proud of by the way, it's a struggle to get anybody to retweet. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to upload a video and then spend 3 days spamming the fuck out of it on twitter hoping someone may bother watching and commenting on it. I'd far rather let that all happen on it's own. But youtube doesn't work that way any longer. The tightness we used to have as a group where we would all support each others videos, by commenting, rating and often featuring on our own channels have long gone, it's a shame! And yes, I am aware that it's more of a shame for me than it is for PJ or Dave because I have more to gain from being on their page than they do mine. However, it wasn't about wanting to sub whore back then, it was just about giving kudos to a person you actually thought made a good video that deserved to be seen. Benjy left a message on my video saying how he'd featured it on his page and it just reminded me of the old times where people seemed to care about what other people were doing. I'm certainly not blameless in this, I too am guilty of not commenting when perhaps I should, I found things to say in the past, so I should be able to today. And yes, this is triggered by a disappointment of a video I actually am proud of, struggling to get any views. But not solely. I think the decline in youtube has been apparent for a long while and it's just occasions like this that remind me of when it was imersive and close.

Secondly, I wrote several videos lately. One had Me and Crabstickz in it, one had just me. I may be lacking in modesty here, but I think both were funny. I actually prefer the Africare one. However, the success or lack of success of the videos is evident. So, I just find it irksome that it takes a youtuber with many thousands of subscribers to get people to watch the things and actually give a fuck. I don't understand why this is, I honestly don't! I have over a thousand subscribers but barely manage 300 views. So 700 of you should fuck off, go away! Youtube has taken the ability for me to unsubscribe people from my channel away, because otherwise, I'd of had a cull a few months ago. This was a primary reason I left youtube before, it's like, I don't know what I can do, to make people watch, and yes it matters. It validates the effort I put in, the more people watch it.

If you, are in a video with a large youtuber, you are seen as whoring subs, however the top echelon of youtubers sub whore among themselves anyway and they don't even need to, They all have subscribe to lists full of people who have already gotten somewhere on youtube. And an argument you often hear is that "these are my friends". To that, I would just say, isn't it coincidental that all the people with a certain large fan base are great friends with other people with a certain large fan base. I'm not saying the friendships are not genuine, however, I'd be surprised if they started their friendships under genuine circumstances. I could pull out a good example on a page of one of my own friends, but I don't really wish to rock the boat too close to home. I can't be arsed. This isn't what the blog is intended for and I have no interest in the drama anymore. These are just honest observations that I believe to be true.

Obviously, there are other reasons for the lack of interest in user generated content. Primarily the daily feature that once spurred people on to make a video worthy of being featured has long gone and the incentive to care has been taken away, and with that, the carrot of a little success has diminished. The TV companies have moved in also. But still, I think it's a shame that the core support we had amongst ourselves has diminished along with it.

I have a new video. I'm very proud of it. I think it's one of the best videos I have made on youtube. I'm glad people appear to be finding it funny rather than offensive. The danger was always how seriously people would take the apparent trivializing of famine and poverty, but I think everybody got that it was not about that, it was about the thousands of "charities" that apparently work doing the same thing and feel the need to beg for money, a lot of which goes in their own pocket.

If you read this blog and you haven't seen it, or commented on it, then please do.

Formspring Fucks!

2009-12-04T12:50:00.007Z

I'm actually really angry at the moment having just read a couple of questions asked to Barry. Firstly, I don't understand this new bandwagon and why it is appealing to anybody. Firstly, ask me anything is bullshit, because nobody will answer questions that they don't wish to, and that just leaves pointless questions.

But what really makes me angry, is how spineless fucking losers who think they are funny or interesting, use the anonymity to ask rude and nasty questions to people. If you wanna be offensive to somebody, then do it where everyone can see it. I'll admit that when somebody you don't much like, does formspring, the temptation is there to just be insulting, but I've resisted. I assume these people doing it are very young and haven't yet developed a sense of decency.

A few questions in particular really have wound me up. Firstly, variations of 'Are you a virgin?'. Now, from the start, this question is only interesting to fucking 13 year olds. His answer was 'No', but yet, he was still asked a further two or three times. I assume that means the people are either stupid or can't read. The most likely reason though, is that they don't believe him and want him to change his answer to 'Yes', then they can have a huge laugh with their toddler friends on skype.

So, even if he is a virgin, why the fuck does that matter to anybody? It's like finishing a four course meal, and then saying 'LOL, Those Africans have never even had one meal'. People need to grow up, and they will, and they'll realise what childish little pricks they were.

The last two questions were this:

'Barry, I don't understand how you can afford all the latest games and blu-ray discs, considering you work at Tesco's part time. Please enlighten me <3'

This question is quite obviously a dig, disguised as curiosity and the ridiculous heart on the end, I guess is intended to suggest they are actually a nice person. I actually don't give a shit how people live their lives, the things they buy, sell, do or don't do. I wonder if the people who ask these questions have a life of their own? Because if they do, why are they so interested in other people's?

And lastly:

Are you mentally retarded or is it all an act?

The person who asked this question is a spineless little fucktard who should go crawl under a rock and die. It's nasty and it's uncalled for.

I really don't like this trend, and although people are inviting questions, there is a limit and just because you don't like somebody, doesn't give you the right to hide behind formspring asking nasty questions.

13I_0g

2009-11-29T22:01:00.003Z

I get aggravated a lot. I am jealous! I am bitter! I am always right, but people don't realise it most of the time, which makes them believe I'm wrong, which makes them incorrect!

Twitter is a distraction that probably has far more negatives than positives, I read things that grate on me beyond belief, and when it comes from people I like, it grates even more. Usually it is an opinion. An opinion that differs from mine. Apparently opinions can neither be wrong nor right. I find this curious as my opinions often appear to be universally right and other people's opinions, not so much!

A Twix advert just came on TV. Haven't seen one for a while. Come to think of it. Haven't had a Twix in years. Shame, I quite like them! Haven't had a Rocky bar in years either. I need to diversify my chocolate snacks from time to time.

It's annoying when people become anonymous because you get fixated on only one thing. That needn't happen. These thoughts are scattered and fragmented, I don't know how to coherently air them. And I don't want to sugar-coat them. I can't specify events, there are many, people, incidents, comments, irritants. These escalate. Insignificant they may be, but I want to exhale.

My brain fart is a big old blog mess. Not that anything is preying heavily on my mind. On the contrary, I feel pretty good in general, other than those moments when things are quiet in my head and I think about the reality of me and fear and feel as low as one can feel. Those moments are fleeting. Were they to become frequent and lengthily, I think I'd have a massive problem on my hands that I don't believe I could deal with.

Nothing more is springing to mind at the moment. I'm getting very tired.

How are you?

Blog #123

2009-11-18T00:15:00.003Z

I think we're all guilty of taking things a little too seriously at time. I certainly am, and so I am in no position to criticize. But usually stubbornness is what drags things on, situations that needn't be situations at all.

sigh

2009-11-11T22:17:00.002Z

It's been a little while since I've depressed you all. I'm gonna try and keep it short.

Just now I realised how little friends I have now. I have John and Dale, who talk to me regularly, but when they're not about and I wanna talk, I kinda have limited options. I kinda feel like my friends numbers have halved over the past few months, Just feel sad, tried calling someone but no answer, options kinda end there. It's not nice to have nobody to turn to when you feel low, I'm aware that I make a rod for my own back sometimes but I dunno.

Some forgotton phone memories

2009-11-11T06:00:00.026Z

I Never use the camera on my phone, primarily because it's old and shit and only takes vga images. But I finally figured out how to move the photos I have taken and received, from my phone to my computer via my Bluetooth dongle that I've had for a couple of years. So I thought I'd upload what was on there to this blog. Most of them are just shots out and about, some I remember, some I don't. I remember, the photos with the lads, the few I took on the ferry on the way to see Tom in Southampton. I remember the marmite rice cakes was part of a text to Lex and I remember receiving the photo of Jemma and Sophie from John in September 08 in says on my phone. Some I don't remember, like why I've taken a photo of me and Darren, obviously off the computer screen. The image is so blurry, it looks either like an image a stalker might have or an image of two guys who went missing in 1981 and are presumed dead. I also don't remember why I took a photo of my face needlessly close. I presume I was bored.

New beginnings

2009-11-04T17:50:00.004Z

I started a new channel called MrShowbizName because everyone else has one and I wanna be cool like them. Actually I started it for several reasons. Firstly, the MyShowbizName channel is stale. Nobody cares much about it. It doesn't matter what I do, nobody really cares. The new channel just is a little more exciting for me, starting a fresh and gives me a little more drive to use it more.

Secondly and the main reason I started a second channel is because I feel quite restricted on the other channel, I feel I have to try and be funny and so if there are vlogs I want to make about certain subjects, I don't feel able to put them on that channel. With the new channel, I intend to make vlogs more frequently and not worry too much as to whether it's good enough or not. Hopefully people will still find me watchable. Just read that back, most people don't find me watchable anyway, but the ones who do watch my videos, I hope they can still get something from the new channel.

This is my first video on the new channel about Celebrity Politics.

This man I know

2009-11-01T01:46:00.003Z

I talked to a man today. He is part of what's right in the world. Intelligent, driven, creative, enthusiastic, optimistic, kind, encouraging and lots more besides. Everything I see and hear from him is almost entirely positive, In fact, it probably is entirely positive. If I were half as good as he is, I would be pretty happy.

He also thought I shouldn't be cryptic in blog posts.

Hello me, you sad fuck

2009-10-27T04:01:00.004Z

This time in the morning, I realise more than ever, what a sad loser cunt I am, especially as I sit here writing dirty phrases in to microsoft speech for fun. I need to somehow put a stop to it.

It's impossible it would seem to wipe people from your consciousness. When everybody you know are still connected to one another. Other than saying goodbye to the entire group, ending the chapter, and disappearing completely. I need to get to a point where just a mention doesn't kick me in the throat.

I wonder sometimes why I'm such a thoroughly unbearable character.

I love John Cox <3

2009-10-23T20:34:00.000+01:00

John began his musical journey after moving to Glasgow in 2006 and signing up to popular video-sharing site, YouTube.

He posted a few song covers to an alternate account that received literally views. Collaborations with Blue Skies afforded him further recognition within the upper echelons of YouTube.

Late in 2008, Alex Day created the music genre fondly known as ‘Trock’ or ‘Time-Lord Rock’. Following this musical revolution, John formed the band TARDIR along with Blue Skies. They garnered huge interest among fans and record companies alike, but the band suffered from production hell, with their producer Timberland unwilling to finish the album and refusing to cooperate with any further correspondences.

Plagued with depression and an addiction to prescription medication, John’s friends held an intervention for him. He tried to run from this awkward encounter, when his long term heterosexual life partner, Ginger Chris, rugby tackled him to the ground. With a fleshy thud, the pair had an epiphany; SEMITONE SMACKDOWN. A YouTube based music contest, with fans choosing topics for the duo to sing about.

This MASSIVELY successful endeavour saw their popularity sky-rocket, propelling them to international fame.

Currently, John is forgoing an appearance at Summer In the City to take on the Ibiza club scene. He is still working on Semitone Smackdown.

Taken from Last.fm

You know what?

2009-10-22T23:36:00.001+01:00

I was wrong. Griffin's performance was absolutely terrible!

Master-stroke BBC XD

The BBC have made a huge mistake!

2009-10-22T17:00:00.004+01:00

The BBC are set for a huge ratings winner tonight from an unlikely source, Question Time. Buy why? For the first time, the BBC have invited a member of the far right British National Party on to the panel, the leader no less. Tonight, Nick Griffin will be given a platform to preach his sugar coated hate speech. And I wonder just how many people will buy it?

Lazy activists on twitter will no doubt flood the trending topics with hash tags they believe are funny or remotely influential. Most of these people will not have taken an active interest in politics, but will still consider themselves an educated critic because "racism is bad yeh and they shudn't be aloud to say racism things right?"

Despite twitters largely left winged majority, they are, as are all activists, people with big mouths, the amount of noise they generate may appear to speak for majority however they are usually a vocal minority. I'm not suggesting that the Country is largely supportive of the BNP. However, from what I observe, I am of the opinion that as a country, we are largely leaning towards the right in our opinions, particularly about immigration and particularly amongst those most likely to bother to vote.

Nick Griffin is a very clever man. He is articulate and knows how to play the game. He talks to the Country specifically about the worries people have in the country, he doesn't have to worry in the same way as the major parties do about political correctness or offending minorities because everybody is fully aware of what they stand for. Perversely, this means, he will appear to be the only one willing to tell it straight, the only person who's not trying to appeal to the masses. He's not going to go on tonight and talk about his bizarre thoughts on the holocaust, he's not going to go on and talk about black people needing a bullet to the head. He's played the game long enough to know how to word the party's beliefs and how to make them attractive to many people who in some way believe that it'll take something drastic to change the way this Country is currently heading in.

I'm sure, like most people, at some point you will have questioned just how many illegal immigrants there are in the country or how the country is being slowly changed to adapt to all the different cultures running parallel in our communities. I have certainly questioned where this country is headed when I hear stories about people in the UK being tried by Shariah law and not by UK law like every other citizen has to abide by. What will a continuation of this lead to? Women being stoned to death for having the nerve to be raped by ten men?

This is the United Kingdom and I expect anybody who wants to live here to abide by the same laws as I expect to live by. I don't expect our country's identity to be lost because we don't know who we are or what we stand for anymore. If I were to go and live in a country with a vastly different culture to my own. I would expect to live by their laws. I would also expect to be able to practice my own cultural routines in my own privacy. I would not expect the country to change it's laws to suit me. And in time, I hope I would enjoy integrating in to their social customs. The UK is the UK. India is India, Iran is Iran and these countries have certain laws and customs that are part of their identity. It's quite simple, don't live in a country who's customs you don't agree with. I don't like Sharia law, it should have no place within our society.

I am worried that tonight will be a victory for the BNP. They will successfully preach their message to those people who are aggrieved with our ever changing identity. The BNP are like an apple that looks okay, but when you cut it open, it's rotten to the core. I don't think they should be given a platform on Question Time, quite frankly because I don't have any faith in the British public to decide what's right and wrong. This is a society who seem to enjoy popstar politics and a lost generation who need to be told what to think. Lets face it, we're about to let the Tories back in next year, so we can't be a hugely intelligent lot can we?

Skins

2009-10-21T16:35:00.002+01:00

I hope certain people have applied for that 'skins' competition that's been running on E4. Shit though 'skins' may be. Getting work experience with a proffessional TV channel/production company as an editor is invaluable. Certain people should have applied by now.

Some casual musing

2009-10-20T21:18:00.007+01:00

Hello select few!

I am in a jovial mood at the moment. I'm kinda pissed off too, but my joviality at this time is averting my mind turning it into an issue.

I was thinking of how stubborn some people can be, sometimes it can appear to be a competition that they must win to prove a point. Thing is, they don't know what point they are trying to prove. I wrote recently that I've stepped back from things, people, events. I have done this with a clear conscience, I believe strongly that I made a continuous effort with some people, and I stress this is related to some people, not at somebody in particular. But you know what? You get to a stage when you feel 'what's the point, why shouldn't I expect the same in return?' And so I have stood back and given people the space to either continue being my friend or to get away while they have the chance.

The sheer stubbornness is maybe me believing things that were never there. I wiped my phone a few days ago and managed to fill it with a total of three names up until this point. One of those I would imagine is somebody who read the blog and thought they should text me, the other two I think was because they actually wanted too, I like that. I'm glad I did it, I think I'll continue to do so every few months without warning. Then it'll be easier to know who randomly wants to text me rather than those who just did because they knew I deleted my numbers. The downside of deleting all the numbers is not being able to text other people to say "hello, I like you". Maybe it need not be said, I'm sure other people are not nearly as insecure about their friendships as I am, I can also imagine that the reassurance I need from time to time can be irritating and tiresome, but it's as simple as a hello, I miss you message every so often. This is speaking in general terms, not specifically about myself. I think it's crazy we have all these free texts packages and it's too much to use one of those free texts to let somebody know you care. I'm probably just a bit wet, but the world can be a shitty place at times and it never hurts to receive a pick me up from somebody.

A couple of people who read my blog also talked to me after a long time on skype, It's nice, I like them, and in all honesty, I don't feel that they ever ignored me on purpose. It's impossible to commit your time to everybody you know online. So long as you make sure you have time for your best friends then I have no problem with a casual hello once in a while. I am on the outside of your circles and it's the people inside that matter.

I've been listening to Dave's (of 'Blue Skies' fame) album a lot lately. It's has a very nostalgic feel to it, which I love. It reminds me in places of 'The Wonder Years', and as anybody who knows me will tell you, there is no higher accolade. In particular, I love his softer tracks such as 'The World's Still Ending (But It's Cool)' and 'Another Day, Another Motorway', I think they are awfully pretty. To be honest, although I always heard Dave's songs because he's still one of the few whose videos I keep up with, I hadn't made much effort to go back to songs or get to know them. So, until I got 'The Blackout Sessions' and was able to listening regularly, I don't think I really appreciated how talented he is. But enough of this sycophantic ego massaging. I like it is all. END

I think I might have a bath now, relax with the bubbles and all.

Dunno?!

2009-10-18T20:32:00.003+01:00

I have a knot in my stomach, it happens every time I spend too long thinking about friends who no longer wanna know anymore. If I see tweets or youtube comments from them, it just reminds me that once things were good.

But like I have said previously, I have to make a conscious attempt to not think about these people, and if that means unfollowing people and such, then it has to be that way for me. This horrible feeling I have now is multiplied by a thousand when I spend time thinking and thinking about the situation, it's just not good to put myself through that.

I personally feel that I made a huge effort before making the decision that I did, so I feel quite confident that I did enough. You can only do so much before you need to take the hint, as hard as it may be to take.

Listening to radio 1 now ready to hear the new chartjackers song. I've not paid too much attention to it thus far, so I'll be interested to hear what they came up with.

Where does the time go?

2009-10-16T04:07:00.002+01:00

"I can remember when I first watched The Wonder Years thinking that the 1960's were distant history. The year 1968 was incredibly far removed from 1988. Now, it's 2009 and looking back, 1989 really doesn't seem all that long ago.

I guess it's all part of getting old. Twenty years really doesn't seem all that long ago..."

I found this on imdb wonder years message board, It's very true.

My phone is empty

2009-10-15T20:10:00.004+01:00

I think recently I have tried to reign the crazy in. The problems I have with people are still there, but in the past there would usually be a argument of sorts. I'm choosing now to let go. The things people do or sometimes don't do still cause me pain, but I've drawn a conclusion lately that maybe I was naive in thinking that certain people were my friend rather than just an acquaintance. In the past, I have never had problems deciphering who's who, but I think because of the sheer numbers of people you meet through youtube, stickam, twitter etc. you start to think you're more popular than you are. There are so many that almost treat it as a competition, collecting new acquaintances like football cards, it's about numbers. These people probably have no idea who is really their friend and who isn't, and that's fine! Some people like to live with swarms of friends that are all at arms length. However I'm not that sort of person and I think I need to wise up. I think I felt I had made six or seven proper friends over the past couple of years. But just recently, with events and such, I've realised that at best it's probably just two.

I'm not in it to collect new names in my phonebook. I was looking at my phone last night and thought, probably only 2 or 3 people ever text me off their own backs, sure, others may reply were I to text them or maybe I might be included in a large round robin text but I thought, what is the need for me to have these people in my phonebook? other than so I can feel more popular than I am? I like everybody in my phonebook and probably one or two like me back, but it's not enough for me. It's time to wipe the excess and stick with the very small number who actually want to talk to me.

So, as of just now, I've wiped my phone blank, any contacts I may gain will be as a result of people wanting to initiate conversation with me. There's no other reason for you to be in my book. On a final note. I wish I were able to make new friends and discard the old ones like some people are able to do. Oh wait. Actually I don't, so that wont be happening.

Update: decided to do the same with skype. No reason to have 40 people I don't speak to on my list. Ball is no longer in my court, I like that.

Goodbye.

2009-10-12T17:22:00.004+01:00

Today we had to put one of our dogs to sleep. She had been throwing up a lot in the last week. They found a large tumor in her stomach. It was thought it best that we put her to sleep so that she didn't suffer. But I'm suffering, as I write this more than ever. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I love you Lychee and I miss you already!

Few days of meh

2009-10-07T13:31:00.005+01:00

I felt really down a couple of days ago. Everything was annoying me. I ended up texting someone who was also feeling down. I ended up trying my best to make them feel better about themselves and talk through how they were feeling. I'm happy to do that with anybody I know. Sometimes I wish people would do that for me though. It feels like I'm going back over old ground and I guess you can't expect things from people.

I do think I'm a considerate person. I try to text people for no other reason but to see how they are or to tell them I'm thinking of them. I guess some people are not considerate and it doesn't mean they don't care. But still, It's nice to feel that somebody cares. I've taken now to just holding people at arms length. I want to talk to them but I wont put myself in a position where I'm the person always starting conversations, asking if somebody wants to skype. Instead I'll wait and if they don't come to me, I guess I'll know how one sided friendships can be.

Unfortunately over the past few months, a few of my friendships feel weakened. I've tried to hold on and it actually affects me far too much. So this new policy of just forgetting is good for me.

That's all.

In The Country.

2009-10-03T03:05:00.000+01:00

In The Country. from Dominic Cole on Vimeo.

Picasa

2009-10-02T02:41:00.000+01:00

Never used Picasa before, this certainly isn't a photo worth uploading, however I thought I'd see what the blog feature was like. Took this photo in the pitch black so I didn't know what it would turn out like.

Universities, success and failure.

2009-09-29T18:13:00.004+01:00

I am envious of so many people at the moment. Watching from afar as many embark on a new chapter of their lives at universities around the country. I just wish I could turn back the clock eight years and start over.

Tom, Doug, Emily, Jade and everybody else are totally different to how I was at 18 and totally different to how I am now. They were already pretty social, went to parties, clubs, seemed to enjoy meeting new people. I don't doubt that they all had nerves about uprooting to a new part of the country, leaving their friends and families behind, taking on enormous and daunting debts, but early indications seem to indicate that they are happy with their decisions and I think they'll have a great time over the next few years. The experience of freedom, living alone and fending for yourself to an extent is a valuable experience that will no doubt prepare them for life ahead of university. I wish I'd had the guts to go myself.

When I was 21, I got in to Chichester University on the course 'Media Studies and Media Production'. It was a move I felt at the time, could break the cycle of fear and anxiety that was making me reclusive. I felt sure it would give me the kick I needed to start living life properly. However, after I was accepted, the follow up letters regarding applying for halls and such kept arriving and made things all too real, I put them off, I tried not to think about it, but in the end, I had to. I was adamant that if I could get just one friend to go to the same uni as me, then I could do it. I felt so strongly that I needed a familiar face to get me through the first couple of months being alone in a new environment. Funny enough, I think I would have a much better chance of knowing people at uni nowdays having met so many people through stickam and youtube, unfortunately it's come about five years too late. Anyway, I never found anyone to go with me to university in the end and so I never went. I deferred for a year to see if I were anymore able the next year, but if anything, I had become more phobic than ever. Not going to university is my biggest regret. I think it's a life experience that is once in a lifetime and I think everybody should experience it. Your time might be good, bad or indifferent, but I think you'll learn a lot!

I'm aware that it's still possible for somebody my age to go to university, however I think it's too late. I don't think it'll help me in the same way and I don't think I'll feel like I belong.

The other person I am envious towards at the moment is Chen. I have an inkling as to what I think he may be up to at the moment however I admire his balls and drive to get off his arse and make it happen. It sounds like an incredible journey and I dearly wish I was on a similar one. I guess, like with going to uni, I feel to achieve something, I would need a collaborator. Somebody to share the dream and the vision. Unfortunately I don't have anybody who lives remotely close. One day, I'd love to experience the thrill of what he's going through at the moment. I wish him well. I'm sure he'll be a success, he is such a creative and enthusiastic person, who can't help but encourage people. He deserves success for just being a thoroughly decent guy!

I may not be able to instill any belief in myself, but I hope I encourage and help people believe in themselves. My life has been a complete failure up till now, so I can't offer advise based on success. But equally, I think there is plenty of advice I can impart based on my failure. Do the opposite of me. Don't give up because you see someone better than you, are the most successful people necessarily the most talented? Sell yourself, don't be afraid to think big, hard though it may be, the people who have made it were once like you, they had no reputation, they had to build it, and that meant starting somewhere. Of course you will feel out of your depth at the beginning, it's natural to compare yourself to the people you want to be like. But success rarely falls in your lap. You have to ignore the doubts and push on. Success may never come, but that is definitely true if you never try in the first place.

Goodbye.

Billy no mates

2009-09-27T23:59:00.003+01:00

Feeling shit tonight. People probably think I exaggerate when I say I don't have any real friends. But it's true. I don't have even one friend in real life, nobody I can hang out with or anything. I guess when you see online friends going out or talking to real life friends, just sometimes gets me down! Nobodies fault but my own though.

Gonna listen to Moby in bed now. Maybe I'll have a nice dreams where I am part of a friendship group like on Friends. I wanna have that sort of relationship with 5 people I hang out with all the time. That'd be sweet. Is it possible?

Skype follow up and Youtube

2009-09-27T04:03:00.004+01:00

Bit of a shame the skype thing didn't take off. I know Peej did one but I don't think anybody else did, to the best of my knowledge they didn't anyway. Maybe people cba with making new skype lists. Maybe people can't bring themselves to be nice about twenty people they have on their skype contacts. Who knows? When PJ, did his list, he told each person who was who, that's fine. Personally I still enjoy the mystery and fun of guessing who might be who. In a game where comments are all positive, it's a much less depressing game to play also. But I decided to reveal who the twenty people are but not in order, so you can match who you think belongs to each
statement. Also, it's because I find it fun, so shut up.

John, Dale, Jimmy, Paul (Chen)
Hatti, Jemma, Barry, Dave,
Davey, Mhazz, Emily,
PJ, Amy, Orla,
Darren, Doug, Lex,
Chris, Pav, Seán.

I've been uploading some of my old videos to youtube over the last ten days. They've met with a luke warm response. On a quick head count, only five of the people in the list have commented any of them. I guess people are tired of youtube, or don't want to comment. That's fine. I guess I liked it back when people felt a small obligation to say something just on the basis of knowing the person who made the video. Equally I am a hypocrite because I don't comment a lot of videos either. Maybe it should be conceeded that youtube is dead to all smaller youtubers. In all honesty, I doubt anybody other than the much higher subbed people, get much from the site anymore. Youtube saw to killing of any sense of optimism and hope video makers once had, they broke the imaginary community quite a while ago. I think youtube will be fine, It'll just be a totally new and different site to what it was. In fact, I think it already is!

Night all.

skype list 2.1

2009-09-21T00:59:00.005+01:00

You remember that time everyone posted blogs about people on their skype list. I'm gonna do that, but the new twist is, I have to say something nice about everyone. The last lists everyone did were full of venom and were an excuse to be nasty on the sly. But lets face it, people didn't hide it that well.

Feel free to join in and post your own. Being nice is quite foreign to me so this shall be interesting.

1. You get a hard time from a lot of people, sometimes me included. But personally I've always had a soft spot for you. You know where you want to be and it's something I admire!

2. I like you, you needent try so hard with people. You can only be friends with people who want to be friends with you, and that's hard sometimes. But you have plenty of friends

3. You are the most genuine person in the youtube community!

4. There's nothing I could say that I haven't already said. You never make me doubt it! Thankyou so much.

5. I think we've distanced ourselves from eachother over recent weeks however now our real life distance is much nearer, maybe we should remember why we liked eachother in the first place. I think you are funny and pretty gorgeous too.

6. You sir, are one of the nicest fellows in the world ever, or so I hear. And I wouldn't doubt it. You are warm, and supportive and friendly to everybody. You'd make an excellent teacher and I'm sure you'll make an excellent coffee shop owner.

7. Certainly a best friend. You're a good buddy and sometimes we have punch-ups but you confide in me and I feel more than ever like we are close. I'm always happy to help with your creativity even when they get you prizes. I'm in it for you, nothing else and you know that.

8. We've had a funny journey, from the days of stickam unpopularity to the days of twitter unpopularity (I'm joking) remember, I was following you out the door in stickam, I was helping you look for a uni. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't like you. I like to bitch with you.

9.You are certainly one of my favourite people, you've recently shacked up with another one of my favourite people. We haven't so much as exchanged texts in months although I have tried. You are hilarious and that's why we get on, we're similar.

10. You are one handsome young man with cool hair that would look better shorter. I think you are great, losing your friendship is not something I'm looking forward to.

11. I don't know you too well, but what I like about you is that you seem to have a lot of fun and you make me smile. My friend knows you very well, but our casual and occasional hello's will do me for now. I've seen you in just a towel! teehee

12. Gutted you left Youtube, I have very few people who I actually enjoy watching on youtube and you were one of them. The birthday message was so thoughtful and you are just one sexy dude with a killer accent. Never let the bastards grind you down. It matters fuck all what some loser thinks. I'm a good judge of character. So you better realise how special you are.

13. Last time I forgot you and felt shit because I still consider you a close friend. You are nice to me and I find you genuinely hilarious. Missed you lately on skype.

14. You have always been the youtube pin up. Talented, good looking, funny. It's actually not fair, no wonder we don't talk anymore. You can do better than me.

15. I can confirm that you have very nice breasts. If you are half as nice as they are then I bet you are a pretty amazing person.

16.What can I say about you? I miss you. More than anyone at the moment because of your obscurity. I can't tell you enough how fantastic I think you are. I don't do it to make you feel included or boost your confidence. I do it because I believe it. You are very funny, you have a brilliant personality that hopefully everyone has had a chance to see. I have always just wanted you to want to talk with me. Never for a second think that people don't care. I do!

17. I doubt you even remember me anymore although last time we spoke you did say you always read my blog. I don't think I believe you but I hope it's true. We are old school, we met that one time, you are lovely, I wish we'd met more that just that once. I wish we were in contact at all.

18. Geez it's hard not to be negative here. We were really close, you were with a lot of people. Now you are not. One of the things that got me down most in the early days was what happened with us. People obviously like you, stop giving them things not to like. I still foolishly care.

19. We talked a fair bit six months ago. I enjoyed it, you were nice to talk to, circumstances maybe changed that but I still like you.

20. You are a wonderfully charismatic person, a true youtube celebrity and funny too, so I don't resent you. Well a bit.

Right. I'm only doing twenty cos that took forever. Twenty is a large number and I think I managed to stay positive and not give any backhanded compliments. One of the hardest parts of this skype blog is to try and focus on the good points and omit the things you don't like or the situations that have been negative.

I found it so difficult with certain people not to say things like 'I think you were wrong when you did this' or 'you haven't shown me the respect etc. etc.' It's surprisingly easy to feather your positive comments with negativity.

Having said that, I've finished and hopefully you will blog to. I want to see the things people like about each other. Don't ask why, maybe I'm high.

Dom x

A speaker fell on my foot

2009-09-17T14:05:00.005+01:00

It hurt very badly.

I haven't blogged for ages. I can't think of anything really to blog about now, I just felt I should and I wanted to.

I guess I feel quite contented at the moment, not massively happy or unhappy. As are well documented in previous blog entries, I have had issues with friends quite a lot, to some extent that has dissipated, certainly the feeling isn't so intense. A lot of that feeling was paranoia. Unfortunately these incidents are not without damage, to use some sort of analogy, I would compare it to breaking a bone in your leg, it heals, perhaps stronger than before allowing you to do everything you could do before, however in your mind, you worry it could snap again and always feel you have to hold back.

Certain friendships are repaired but don't feel natural anymore. I wonder if maybe that will just take time. I think when contact is no longer regular, you can't feel the relationship is as strong. Particularly online, days without contact can lead to questions being asked. But moving on from this, I'm not upset about anything, just, I say blog and my mind turns to this, there's no real issues bothering me at the moment. I'm just choosing to let people come to me now if they still want to. Hopefully the ones I want to will.

I guess the changing weather may be the reason for my illness this week. Do you know, at no point did I believe it was swine flu. I don't think I'm cool enough to get that disease. But it is depressing to think that summer has gone now and within the next month to six weeks, it'll be freezing cold, dark all the bloody time and everyone will be even more miserable than they already are. I'm not anti winter, it just drags on for far too long. I don't mind the cold weather, it's more the lack of light that gets me down. The greatest part of spring/summer is the light evenings sometimes as late as 10pm. It makes the whole place seem a much warmer, friendlier place to be.

blog done

SIX PEE!

100th

2009-08-28T23:07:00.003+01:00

For my 100th blog (I'm including the vlog) I thought I'd post something deep and meaningful. So, here are a list of women I would do:

Keira Knightly
Keeley Hawes
Julia Roberts
Cheryl Cole
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Holly Valance
Natalie Imbruglia
Sienna Miller
Alesha Dixon
Emilia Fox
Isha Sesay
Helena Bonham Carter
Kristin Scott Thomas
Hannah Spearritt
Sheree Murphy
Teri Hatcher
Sophie Ellis Bextor
Vicki Butler Henderson
Avril Lavigne
Reese Witherspoon
Michelle Pfeiffer
Beyonce Knowles

Getting majorly hooked on Amanda from Ugly Betty also. Dunno why, maybe cos she's a whore?

Confused

2009-08-27T00:56:00.004+01:00

Staying on the topic of what is appropriate for a blog. I am thinking and feeling things now that I want to write down and now I have conflicting thoughts because of the past criticisms. It's a dilemma, and here's why...

There are feelings of negativity I have about things at the moment and my first thought is to explain them in a blog, even though they are because of a certain person. The critics tell me I shouldn't do this and should just say it to them. However, I just feel that sometimes the moment doesn't feel right to bring up certain things in conversation, whether it be in text or in spoken form. When you know somebodies mind is wrapped up in something else, isn't it selfish to approach them with issues you have. Wont it seem insensitive to say how your feeling, like it's only important if it's you?

I also think that in simple terms, the things I am aggrieved about will seem trivial and silly and I don't think they'll easily be explained and sometimes I feel I can at least have a fair crack at trying to properly convey in detailed terms what is bothering me and I guess I feel like if they read it on the blog then they'll have some idea as to my frame of mind for when we do speak.

Sometimes saying things to people is embarrassing and make issues seem bigger than they are and I feel a lot of the time as though I can rationalise it in a blog.

It's difficult, this thing although specific to one person, is actually part of a wider issue I have with a number of friends and so I then think, would it not be better saying it in a blog form so that people know, rather than individually going round and saying 'look here...'

It's fundamentally an issue about affection. I may delve deeper when I figure out how I should go about saying it. Do I say it to them or it the blog, I actually don't know.

Exam results and blog etiquette

2009-08-21T11:35:00.006+01:00

I think I'm gonna stick to normal blogging from now on. I don't think people were really in to the vlog. I expected some comments with people saying what they thought of it. I think people would have said something if they thought the vlog was a good idea. But anyways, I wanted to try it, and it was a nice day. Was probably a bit too long, however I had plenty to say seeing as I haven't made videos in yonks.

Congratulations to everybody who got the grades they needed in their A levels. A lot of girls out there were saying they would fail and went on to get A's, seems a bit much, people usually get their predicted grades or better, sometimes I don't think they even mark them. I personally still feel exams are a bad judge of people's abilities! However I guess until there is a better way of doing it, they're sticking around. I hope those of you who didn't get the grades you hoped for are looking at your options and not just thinking everything is lost. I remember last summer looking for universities for Jemma, (Happy birthday x) because she didn't get what she needed for Glasgow, but in the end she got in there anyways. I think she had to do a different course last year and move on to the one she wanted but either way, it wasn't the end of the world.

So many people have obvious talent that isn't reflected in exam grades, I think exams are basically about memory and not knowledge. Still, having said that, I'm not trying to dampen down any achievements that people have gotten. Well done.

I have been criticized by some for the content of my blogs, some feel my blogs reveal too much, so this one I am not going to say very much about anything that I feel. I wonder what people think, should blogs be a place where you vent your emotions and get things off your chest or should they be casual and about nothing in particular? I do try as best I can not to reveal the people I am aiming things at, I guess certain people see it as obvious because they know me and talk to me about things that bother me, and so to them, what I write is quite transparent. Maybe I'm just not that good at being cryptic in blogs, but I guess I feel I need to make it obvious enough so the people I want to talk to, know it's to them. There is an argument that says it should be done to the people in private, but I guess that isn't always possible for a number of reasons.

Genuinely though, I'd be interested to know what people feel about what is appropriate for a blog, should it be emotional and personal? Should it be about the lighter and inconsequential things in life. What do you enjoy reading most in people's blogs?

Vlog 1.0

2009-08-19T14:43:00.004+01:00

Yeah Right!

2009-08-12T03:35:00.002+01:00

Bullshit!

Photos

2009-08-07T06:54:00.005+01:00

It's 6:54am and I'm still wide awake, due mainly because I keep falling asleep around 7-10pm every night. I saw Jade tweet about this Jessops photo book last night that is apparently free, so I went off to do it, was a mega hassle, took about an hour and a half formatting what I wanted, then I realised I'd selected the wrong thing and it was £35 what I had put together. I thought it should be easy enough to just set it to a smaller cheaper version. I was wrong, I had to go and create the thing all over again. This time round I saw that the cheap version didn't look all that great and by this point I had actually quite liked the idea of having a photobook of the Isle of Wight photos. So I chose one that said £10 and went about putting it together again.

I was pretty happy with how it looked once completed and upon adding it to my basket, it said it would cost £19 plus £3 p&p. I had spent so long putting the thing together that I just decided to buy it. I was disappointed though at the high price because initially I was thinking that at £10, I could maybe buy four and send one to the other guys, I just thought it'd be a really nice memento, but at £20 each, was just too expensive, maybe I'll think about it in the future depending on how my copy turns out. But from going to jessops to get a free booklet, I ended up £22 out of pocket. No such thing as a free meal so they say.

Further to my birthday post, I'd like to say that I am aware that you were also part of the gift committee Miss Tsontilis and I am very grateful. I read your blog and I hope you are feeling okay, I'm sorry I ignored your texts the other night, I was not responding to anybody. I just wanted a break, but I do actually love you, I think you know that!

Got Magix movie edit pro 15 yesterday. I've not played with it too much yet however early signs are very encouraging, it looks like a really good piece of software, infinitely better that the cheap sony vegas I got. So maybe I can look at getting a little video of the Isle of Wight holiday together soon and I'll post it on the blog.

4th August

2009-08-04T22:36:00.007+01:00

So, today was my birthday. It was bareable. I want to say sorry to everyone who has tried to contact me for not responding, just need some time. I am reading them and thanks so much to all the people who have wished me a happy birthday or in some cases done more. I think the vast majority of my friends wished me a happy birthday, be it by text message, twitter or email. A couple didn't, there was certainly one notable exception. Enough people tweeted it so that person evidentally made the decision not to. Everytime my phone has beeped, I hoped it was from you but unfortunately not.

But despite that disappointment, those of you who did just take a minute to say something or do something for me. I really do appreciate it, just to know you cared enough to do something was a really nice feeling.

John and Jemma bought me a present, or rather a couple of presents. I think it was them anyway because there was no note, but I assume it was from them as half of the gift was from Ann Summers and they were tweeting about Ann Summers a few days ago when Emily was about. Firstly I saw a rather brilliant dvd of series 2 of Alan Partridge and I thought, What a lovely gift, how could this be beaten? Then I saw a pink paper bag which housed two further gifts, one a flashing pink thingamy that you shove on your head, like devil horns except these were flashing penises. It was a lovely thought. But on top of that, I was given a thong that made your penis in to a snake, in case your wondering, I did try it on, and I'm sorry for putting that image into everybodies brains.

I also got a couple of online messages that were so nice and made me happy. I hope you don't mind me showing the world.

Darren sent me this:
Seánie sent me a little audio message:

And finally, I got a Happy Birthday message from a user on youtube by the name of Ronc303c
Thanks stranger, I guess I didn't expect anyone other than my friends to put themselves out and some didn't, so was a really nice gesture!

Death and all his friends

2009-08-03T14:42:00.001+01:00

"and... in the end, we lie awake, and we dream of making our escape."

Balance

2009-08-02T06:02:00.003+01:00

I think it's balance that's missing, people are negligent because they never seem to try to balance. We all understand that things need juggling but they can be juggled effectively if the balance is right. It's quite baffling how many people can't balance!

Thinking at 3am on a Saturday morning

2009-08-01T03:06:00.008+01:00

I have a small circle of friends online, an even smaller circle of friends I talk to on a very regular basis, probably only four. I like the closeness this brings between friendships. However, sometimes people are away for extended periods of time or for some reason don't appear to want to talk to you even when it's the early hours of the morning and you think the alternative must be talking to nobody. It's at these times I wish I had a wider circle of friends I could talk to, it's easy to feel alone and when you are used to just always talking to certain people, when that stops, you feel a little bit lost. Dale is special to me, out of anyone I've ever known, he is the one person I know will always want to talk to me, who never seems to get bored of me and if he's about, I know I have someone who'll never blank me. It's such a comfort to feel that confident about a friendship.

Other friends don't really instill the same confidence. Perhaps Dale and I are just more alike than anybody else I know. I think I know deep down that my other friends like me and want to talk to me, perhaps not so frequently, but I have doubts sometimes, maybe that's just me being paranoid. The problem is, in this online bubble that we are all in, we all spend way too much time on computers, the time slowly passes and the routine is to talk to certain people. Because the day passes slowly, if somebody stops talking to you, sometimes only for one or two days, it can just suddenly feel like they don't want to know any longer. It's a world that didn't exist before broadband, I think people maybe had more perspective when thinking about their friendships, however this instant access, this constant contact locks us in and I certainly lose touch with reality. Is the reality after a couple of days that your friend no longer wants to be your friend? Probably not but I think because of the bubble, it feels like it and I'm not sure that's a mind set I can get out of. Sometimes I think just showing you want to talk to someone is enough to keep people happy. Do you ever stop and think sometimes that it's always me who initiates contact with somebody, who always says 'hello' first? Do you ever wonder sometimes if you stopped initiating contact, would your friend bother to keep contact with you? Is the fear that they wouldn't keep contact the primary reason you always say hello first?

I love speaking to the people I speak to on a regular basis, even when you sit on skype in virtual silence, nobody really having anything to say but still wanting to be around you. It's that feeling of friendship that I love about skype. It's also that feeling that makes me wish we didn't live so far apart. I also wish that I spoke to some friends on a much more regular basis than I currently do, I probably only talk to Ginger Chris on skype every six to eight weeks. I always enjoy talking to him, I think he might be my hero. Darren also is another who I wish would come and talk to me. I was so happy he came to the Isle of Wight. I thought he may be about a bit more afterwards to keep a closer bond, so far he's stayed hidden, only surfacing on twitter once and a while to call Beth a twat, or to say something equally as hilarious and something that makes me want to talk to him more.

I have my friend who never makes me doubt: Dale, I have my friends that make me paranoid: Pav, PJ. I have my friends I don't always talk to enough: Chris, John, Darren, Emily. I also have friends that I don't really know where I stand, probably that's you. I think all my friends are wonderful, perfect people who will probably move on an forget me over the next few years. It's happened to me a lot. I can't say it's a feeling that is anything but devastating, I also think it's something you can never prepare yourself for. I often wonder, on those occasions when you run in to an ex best friend, how time can make you strangers. How someone you talked to with such ease can turn into somebody you feel awkward talking to. It's just a horrible part of life. It's probably the reason I try so hard to cling on as best I can to the friendships I have.

bnjksnbdkbn

2009-07-29T23:37:00.001+01:00

You know that thing yesterday that I said I was trying not to blow out of proportion? Well now it's bothering me!

Night

Things

2009-07-28T20:44:00.003+01:00

Just re-read a few of my old blogs and the comments. Firstly I apologise, I actually shocked myself how bloody miserable they are. I wish I could say I wont write miserable posts again but that wont happen. But today I'm okay so all is well.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this blog entry, other than I felt like writing a blog. I guess I could tell you some happy news. I have made up with that friend that I was moaning about for the last few months and I am so happy to be able to talk to them again, they do mean an awful lot to me. Strangely, just as I make up with one friend, another close friend appears to have stopped talking to me. I'm trying not to blow it out of proportion and get offended but that is my natural reaction usually. So far I'm doing okay keeping things in perspective however I hope it doesn't last too long.

Going back to the re-reading entries thing. I smiled when I saw people comment who I didn't realise read my blog. In some cases I wanted to know who the people were who followed my blog but in others, there were just odd comments from people who only vaguely know me. Four that spring to mind are Hatti, Lex, Benjy and JDM. I'm sorry I'm not a more approachable person. I'm not a cunt, just easy to appear like one online especially with the little pockets of friendship groups we have going on. I like that some people read my ramblings and hello if you still do and haven't unfollowed after that monster 6000 word blog.

Football season is back soon ^_^ I hope we still have a certain Dean Ashton next season. Also, if you like football, join my fantasy football league and play innit, I like fantasy football, It is good! http://uk.premiership.fantasysports.yahoo.com/football/group/3712 password: myshowbizname

Have a good time in Malta lads and lass!

Down

2009-07-23T22:22:00.005+01:00

It's amazing how soon my mood can change. I was so happy last week, It was just brilliant hanging out with some friends. Waking up in the same house, going to bed in the same house. Doing things. Few days back in to the old routine of sitting and not having anyone is a harsh feeling.

I don't know exactly why I feel particularly down at this time. I think having people to yourself always feels good. Even having a day when you don't talk to somebody you usually talk to or a couple of days without certain people just saying 'hi' on msn or skype or whatever just seems to really affect me. I worry because I don't want to be clingy but then those people make me happy, I want to be in contact with them as much as I can.

I don't like being down

Time to reminisce

2009-07-22T12:12:00.008+01:00

I spoke to Mhairi yesterday on msn which brought a smile to my face. Sometimes you think you are forgotten by certain people and so when they choose to start a conversation with you, it just feels good. She also told me that she always reads my blog which made me happy. I miss her, I miss the old days. I only met her once in November last year, things seem to have changed so much since then. I wish the second episode of youtooners had been completed before I left youtube, anyway, we can't turn back time, things have moved on for the better and the worse, this is life!

A long winded account

2009-07-21T17:22:00.006+01:00

Time for a colossal blog entry. I would have liked to have blogged daily over the past week while events were fresh in my mind however I thought it wiser that we didn't have a computer at the holiday let so that we didn't waste the week on msn and skype and what not. I have already uploaded all my photos to facebook and I will at some point put together a little montage video of the trip and post it on the blog but that may take a few weeks depending on how long the footage takes to convert and edit and whether I decide to buy something marginally better than movie maker to edit them with. Am thinking entry level sony vegas, pinnacle or coral. Any of you used these editors, have any thoughts about which is best, leave me a comment.

Last Monday, Dale, Darren and Pav travelled halfway down the country to visit me here on the Isle of Wight. It had been arranged for some months. Originally I decided I wanted to do something just because I had heard about the Malta trip as people inevitably do in this group and was not invited, I wasn't really surprised and to be honest, I thought 'well, it's Tom's place so really it's understandable if he wants to invite his best friends'. That said, I was more jealous of the time they would get to hang out than it's location. I like Malta, I haven't been abroad for like 18 years but a few years ago I was thinking of going with a friend, it didn't happen in the end. Anyway. I thought about it and just felt like I would like to spend some significant time with my best friends and I went about setting up this trip, initially it also included PJ and Dave although they both dropped out. Because of them dropping out, I thought so many times that the trip was off and indeed it was a number of times. Financially it would be very expensive because there were two less people covering costs. Despite this,I decided that if everybody was willing to pick up those costs, it was still worth doing. More than anything, I just craved some company. I speak to Dale and Pav every day on skype and up until a couple of months ago PJ also. And skype really only satisfies you for a period before you want to be able to hang out with the people you talk to.

I was very disappointed that both Dave and PJ didn't come. My natural paranoia has theories as to why they didn't, maybe they just couldn't and I should take people's word for things, maybe they could have come but didn't want to enough, whatever the reasons and I'll assume they were honorable. I missed them both and would have loved them both to have come down for the week. We also looked at getting either of the scots down but that didn't work out either. John had tickets to Russell Howard the night before and so couldn't get down to Birmingham in time for the car journey and the cost of flights and trains were ridiculous. Also the night before the trip, Ginger Chris asked why he was not invited down, to which I reminded him he had been several months prior, he told me I should have reminded him. We looked briefly at cost of coaches and the possibility of a spare of the moment decision to come but that didn't happen either. He has told me he'll be coming town to Southampton after summer in the city to hang out for the day. This may or may not happen, we'll see.

The lads drove down on Monday and got the 8:30pm ferry across with the car. We decided as there would be four of us, that having the car would be more cost effective and would be more convenient to get about the Island. Turned out to be a good idea because we used the car an awful lot over the week. Dale is a brilliant driver by the way, just thought I'd say. The guys came across so late and left so late because it worked out as £49 return for the car and 3 people after 8:30pm as opposed to £102 before 8:30. Made sense and seemed to work out really will.

I met them off the ferry and we parked up in the loading bay next to the ferry terminal so that I could get in. Just then a huge Iceland trailer lorry did a massive loop turn, it looked like it was gonna take out the pub wall but it didn't. The guy must have been a pro. Then he backed the lorry up with such speed, it looked like he was aiming right for us. He shouted some stuff at us as he passed by, I didn't understand him. But we got out of there pretty sharpish, after all, it had only been 2 minutes on the Island and we almost got killed by a madman in a lorry.

We took the chain ferry across from East Cowes to West Cowes and then drove up to Gurnard where we were staying. It turned out to be a really great place to stay although I think more than four people may have been pushing it. It's slept four quite comfortably but the lounge was a four person lounge so any more more have been tight. I have absolutely no idea what we did on that first night, I think we played some playstation. We had a few snacks that Pav's mum had packed including a box full of sugar cubes wtf? We didn't have any food in really that night but it was fine.

On Monday we took a short drive down to Gurnard beach and parked up. We walked along the seafront to Cowes beach where the lads had a bit of a skim off with whatever flat stones they could find. We walked up through Northwood Park and saw the tennis courts fully packed. We had decided to play tennis at some point over the week. It didn't happen due to a combination of factors including us not getting up early enough and the tennis courts everywhere being booked up. We walked on to Cowes town and drew some money out, then we bought some lunch at deckers sandwich shop which was a complete rip off. After we walked back through Cowes to Gurnard, we went to our local pub 'The Woodvale' and had a drink outside overlooking the beach. We then went on to Tesco's to get in the food. Somehow we were there for nearly two hours. I think we didn't put anything in our trolly for the first twenty minutes. I felt a bit sick from the car journey and needed the toilet which were damned impossible to find. In the end I managed to find them through an old school friend who worked as a security guard at tesco's. He was all ready for the big 'Hello, haven't seen you in ages chat' and my first words were 'You know where the toilets are don't you?'

I took a slash and washed my hands and then dried them using the craziest hand dryer ever. The power was than strong, it made your skin and in my case flab wobble all over your hand. It was crazy. Scared me at first because I genuinely thought it could possibly blow my hand off. After, I had the obligatory nice chat with the old school mate and went off to find the lads who in 15 minutes had managed to only put two things in the trolley, that being a pack of four baked beans and a loaf of bread. So we went round and got plenty of stuff. Mainly, sweets, crisps and alcohol. The weather at this point was gorgeous, the sunniest all week and we were inside Tesco.

We went back and probably played playstation and watched dvd's. I can't remember when we watched each dvd, we watched an awful lot over the week. It was cool. Very nice to sit and watch films again. I never usually have the attention span because of the blasted internet fooling me in to thinking there are better things to do online. We watched films I hadn't seen for years like Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. Both excellent films. We also played Little Big Planet which the guys seemed to like but I thought it was wank. just walking along jumping and shit.

On Tuesday I think we were planning on going to Yaverland beach, we didn't leave the house till near 3 though and we were stuck in traffic, the weather looked like it was gonna rain and so instead we opted to go to Seaclose Park where the Isle of Wight Festival is held and it's right next to my old high school. The field was empty. It's crazy, sixty thousand people use it for a weekend but the rest of the time it is barely used, so we just had a kick about for a while in the field, ate some snacks and dicked about with the camera recreating the video styling of certain youtubers. Dale also managed to miss the funniest thing ever as he turned of the camcorder just before it happened.

So, we were dicking about ripping off videos and I thought I'd run out of the bushes which a big stick going 'arrrrrgggghhhh'. So immediately, you understand that a fat person running is gonna be funny. So anyway, the guys turned round and I assumed that Dale was ready with the camera. So I ran out of the bushes shouting and unknown to me, there was a tree root under the leaves on the ground so I ran, my foot slammed against the tree root and I fell flat on my face. It was majorly embarrassing but even I could understand that there is nothing funnier in this world than a fat person falling over and so I was happy that we had it on camera. Then Dale said he wasn't recording and I was gutted. Probably could have gotten £250 out of that. It was that good! Trust me.

We drove back to the house and decided to go get takeaway because I couldn't be arsed to cook and the prospect of chewitts and doritos for dinner wasn't appealing. So we were searching for the telephone number of the Chinese takeaway so we could order it before and have it ready for when we picked it up. First we found the number for Golden Dragon and Pav called it and gave me the phone. I said 'Pav, this is a mobile number', he said 'some businesses just have mobile numbers'. Anyway, there was no answer so I hung up. Immediately I got called back and had a Chinese person on the other end 'WHA YOU WAAN?', 'YOU JUST TRY AN CALL ME?' I was scared and hung up. So we rang up the other Chinese takeaway and ordered from there. Mind you I could barely understand a word of what she was saying either.

We drove down to pick up mine and Pav's Chow Mein's and spare ribs and Dale and Darren nipped round the corner and got kebabs and chips instead. I think that was the night we watched the film 'Falling Down' with Michael Douglas which is just a brilliant film, if you have never seen it, I would recommend you do.

On Wednesday, I think we spent most of the day in the pub playing pool. We rotated teams and played alternate shots. Me and Dale drank alcohol, Pav and Darren were on coke. I think Darren had a couple of beers later on. I was drinking Strongbow. I never drink, not because I'm against it, just cos I don't particularly enjoy it and I have no friends so I have nobody to drink with. So I am a mega lightweight. I could feel I was gone after two pints, over the night I continued to four pints and I can't remember but possibly a fifth. I was fucked, We walked back from the pub to the house. About a twenty minute walk. I was adamant that I would cook a curry when we got back, they didn't believe me because of the being pissed thing. So we walked back and I remember that we all held hands and Pav was telling passers by, mainly kids on bikes that we were gay. I didn't actually care, at that point I was more concerned with remembering how to walk.

We arrived home and true to my word, I cooked a curry. I was very nice except we had no sieve and so draining the rice was extremely difficult, I used the lid of the saucepan as best I could but it was a bit watery still. Was nice though, people seemed to like it, although Darren proclaimed it to be the hottest curry he's ever eaten to which we LOL'd because it wasn't very hot and Darren was being a big girls bra. After we ate, I had sobered up although the kitchen looked like a bomb site. We went and watched some films or something. I think we may have watched Garth Marenghi's Darkplace that night. Finally Pav understood where all our references were coming from. I think we slept pretty early that night, about midnight because we were all fucking knackered from pub times.

On Thursday I woke earlier than the other lads, about nine I think and I went to get a cup of tea. Then I saw the state of the kitchen after the previous nights curry and spent the next hour and a half getting the house clean. We left the house about 1pm after everybody had showered and went on to Carisbrooke Castle because castles are the new cool thing and we wanted to be in with the cool kids. I think we were supposed to pay £6.80 each to get in but we wasn't sure and just walked in because the gate was open. We walked around the grounds of the castle, taking photo's of things like canon's and walls which made me wonder 'How thick is wall?' we walked all round from top to bottom and I realised that actually castles are really dull, it's just like derelict walls, but it was pretty and we got a lot of nice photographs.

On the way out, the gate we had walked through on the way in was shut and locked and at that point we thought we probably should have paid. We were worried that on the way out of the gates, they might make us pay, so we tried to escape, but we forgot that it is a castle and is surrounded by a huge moat that had like at the least 8ft drops. Pav didn't care and jumped it, but I thought, with my weight, if I try and jump that, my legs with shatter, so Darren went with Pav and escaped and Dale and I walked back to the entrance/exit and realised that we could just walk through the gift shop and get out, so we did that. Inside, there were model swords made of wood that cost like £9, they were well expensive. There was a wooden bow and arrow strong enough to maybe fire a pencil a couple of feet and it was £28. So we left the castle and played a hilarious joke on Darren and Pav. We told them we had to pay when actually we didn't, but as it turns out, Dale is the worst wind up ever as he laughed about two seconds after we told them. To be fair, it wasn't funny in the first place.

We left the castle and drove to Ryde to go bowling. We parked up in the high street and got some more money out and then went and had a wimpy! Wimpy is quite frankly the best burger joint ever. In the 80's it was so popular before McDonalds just overran the place with their fast shite. I used to go quite often with the family from the ages of six to fourteen, but in the past ten to twelve years I have barely gone to Ryde. Maybe once every few years and so if I ever do, I have to get a Wimpy. It reminds me of my childhood, but also tastes amazing. God knows how it manages to keep going though. We walked in and there was nobody in there apart from us. Wimpy is still brilliant, they trust you to eat with real plates, glasses, knives and forks and they trust you to pay after you have eaten. It was so good, still the same taste as I remember when I was young. Dale had a quarter pounder and Pav had a halfpounder, Darren had a bacon cheeseburger I think. I noticed that the quarter and half pounders came with like a brown bap and I wanted exactly what I remembered from years back and so I stuck to 2 regular wimpy hamburgers. They were amazing, as was the chocolate milkshake, was well thick and icecreamy.

So, we all ate our meals and went and paid, worked out about £2.50 dearer each than a McDonalds. Well worth it!

We went to the bowling alley and bought two games which cost like £28 for the four of us which is silly money. Only lasted like half an hour but it was like, aint paying that much for extra. We were also put in a lane next to a group of annoying old people like between 45 and 65 and they wouldn't shut the fuck up. Laughing like nobody in this world laughs, the loudest laugh of all time, this woman sounded like she was in pain and I so wanted to punch her in the face. Why do bowling alleys do that? There were ton's of free lanes but they always stick you right next to somebody else as opposed to in an empty part of the alley. Anybody know? Answers on a postcard please. Dale won both games by the way. On the way out, we had a couple of games of air hockey, was way fun but cost loads, like a quid for singles and then this larger doubles machine was £2 a game. It was really fun but didn't last very long.

We left the bowling alley and walked along the seafront to Appley beach. Was about 7:30 by this time so there was nobody on it however the weather looked ok. The beach at Apply is gorgeous. Not very big, but beautiful sand. It was fantastic because there was nobody there. Had it been earlier and a tad sunnier, there would have been so many people there so I was pretty happy. We went and had a little paddle and the water was surprisingly really warm. I splash pav and ran. Then I realised how difficult is to run up a sand bank and almost fell over again. We hung out on the beach for about 45 minutes and then I saw our wallets and cameras laying on the beach unattended while Dale drew a massive cock jizzing on Doug in the sand. Then I saw some black/muslim people casually walking towards them. They were like a family I think, they had like a young child but as I saw it, they still could have stolen our stuff and so I walked out of the sea and tried to casually stand by our stuff without it looking like racism. But then, the whole beach was empty, why come stand by our things? So soon after we picked up our stuff and moved over to the wall. I wanted a place to sit anyway and my legs were wet so I didn't want to sit on the sand. It probably did look racist that we moved away as soon as they stood by us but fuck it. And soon after we took our stuff away, they walked back up the beach, so I reckon the child was cover for their secret thieving!

We sat on the wall for a while and re-enacted a fail blog video where a woman gets tapped on the back of the head and then fains injury. At that point I remember saying 'I don't like the look of that cloud up there, we should probably go' the cloud was big and black and I was being racist again, PJ would have enjoyed it. We didn't leave then and ten minutes later, It started raining pretty hard, we had to run back to the car barefoot, The rain was pretty warm and we found shelter till it died down before we got back to the car. The rain started up again on the drive back towards Newport and by the time we drove down the dual carriageway back to Gurnard, you could barely see out of the windscreen because the rain was torrential and there were flashes of lightning. We got back to the house about nine and the rain had just stopped and the sun came out. We got home and ate snacks and watched Pulp Fiction, which Pav and Dale hadn't seen and maybe Darren also. I was quite shocked they hadn't seen it. I hadn't watched it since I was about seventeen and yet I remembered it so clearly. I love that film. Two of the lads favourite quotes were both Samuel L Jackson quotes. First one being "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?" and the second, also a favourite of mine "SHUT THE FUCK UP FAT MAN, THIS AINT NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!"

We didn't go out at all on Friday because it rained pretty much most of the day. It's crazy how soon the day goes. I have no recollection of what we did in the early part of the day although I believe this was the day we cooked a big ready to cook lasange that we bought from Tesco. The oven was shit. It took ages to cook and the oven chips were almost raw. Then, because it was a gas oven, I noticed a funny smell, a burning smell, I had just put peas on and i looked at the bottom of the pan to see if it was that and nothing. In the end, I looked in the oven and the plastic tray that housed the lasange had melted in one corner because it was too far back in the oven and the gas flame had melted it onto the flame. We took it out, it still tasted really nice actually, Dale got the plastic off the element and so it was okay. I also managed to break two glasses that night, both accidents in the space of an hour.

We also went in to Cowes to pick up some replenishments. We had gotten through all the fizzy and so we needed more. Dale decided to wear his Garth Marenghi style lensless glasses in to the shop for a dare. He kept saying that he felt like a twat. He looked like one too! Me and Darren got packs of Pepperami's. We ate loads of pepperami's over the week because they sold them in the pub too, although they were warm and greasy in the pub. We got some more Tango and Ribena and also crisps and sweets. It was another successful and healthy shopping trip.

Because it had rained all day, we watched movies pretty early on and had a bit of a film night. We also drunk all the alcohol. Dale was on bottles of cider I think, Darren and Pav had massive bottles of blue stuff called WKD. I had a pear cider which I hadn't tried before. I prefer apple cider. So I had 4 500ml cans of woodpecker. I got rather drunk again and began to get rather angry at people. I wont go in to details on who and why. That night we watched three films I think. We started off watching Resevoir Dogs, then we watched Stand By Me, which happens to be my favourite film along with Forrest Gump. Finally we watched Groundhog Day and finally we watched Groundhog Day. See what I did? That was a joke haha fat chance. After Groundhog Day, I went to bed because I was drunk and bitter and tired. The lads stayed up a little later I think.

Saturday was a bit of a drive. Driving on the Island is so nice because everywhere is beautiful scenery, fields, forrests, cliffs and beaches, although the roads are very poor and when you don't know how to get to the place you want to go, you have to rely on the sat nav which as we found out on Saturday, takes you down some pretty narrow winding roads. We packed a load of sandwiches and set of for Yaverland beach about three. We got out at the vantage point and took a photo looking out on a beautiful view. It then rained, we drove on to Yaverland carpark, I took a quick photo or two of Dale. My instruction to Dale was to look up like he's praising Allah, I happened to say it just as a muslim family walked past. I had seen them get out the car and I guess that's what made me think of Allah. Wasn't the greatest thing to say but we found it funny.

We sat in the car for a bit eating our sandwiches hoping the rain would surpass. It did after about 15 minutes although was very faintly spitting. We decided to chance it and take a walk up the beach. Yaverland is a lovely beach, was hard to tell that day. The coastline is obviously beautiful however the weather let it down. There were a few very bad windsurfers about. We got moderate enjoyment seeing one constantly get on and then fall straight off. I took some photo's on the guys on the beach and Dale got a photo for Pav's Dailybooth. Dailybooth is extremely important to Pav for some reason and we were always looking for photos. I was like 'whatever, cant get a less interesting photo than you sat in your room holding up the nearest thing you find'.
Half way along the beach it rained quite heavily so we walked back to the car. We drove back through the winding roads of Ventnor and up a road called 'Zig Zag Road' which Pav decided he wanted to live in because of the name. The weather was quite nice on the way back and we drove trhough a lot of little villages.

When we got home we ate super noodles and then watched Forrest Gump, another film that Pav had never ever seen :o I just adore Forrest Gump, I hadn't watched it for a couple of years and I really loved it. Afterwards we watched a cult 80's film that you twenty plus people may remember 'Weird Science' about two geeks who have no friends that decide to create a woman using one of their computers and it works and they get really popular. I love it. Darren thought it was shit, I dunno what Dale and Pav thought, I think they just thought it was really weird.

On Sunday, we drove over to Compton Bay for several reasons. Firstly the beach is awesome, but secondly the drive along the Military Road is breathtaking. Stunning, you see the dramatic coastline the whole way along. I haven't been along there for years because I don't drive. If I could, I'd go there all the time because I love it. Because I hadn't been there for years, I was actually taken back by how beautiful if was. Firstly we overshot it and ended up in Yarmouth, so we got out, took some photos of the beach and Dale bought some sticks of rock. Darren went in for what he described as a shit momento of the Island and then didn't buy one because they were shit, so he bought a white chocolate Magnum instead.

We drove back along to Compton and Darren and Pav got bacon rolls. It was seriously windy because we were on top of the cliffs but when we got down to the beach, the wind virtually disappeared. The weather wasn't that bad either, wasn't hugely sunny but the sky was blue and it was pretty warm. Dale, Darren and myself went into the sea. Dale and Darren were both wearing jeans that they had to roll up. The current was so strong, we could feel the tide suck back the sand under our feet and then as we got slightly further out there was like a sudden dip that took you deeper than you wanted to be. At one point, Darren and Dale ventured in a little further and got smacked by a wave that went over the belt line and up the stomach. It made me laugh. Dale eventually went fully in (in his jeans). We also dicked about filming a load of shit. Dale may be able to salvage a couple of minutes for a youtube video.

I think we were there about an hour and a half and then we drove back. Dale was wet through and had to drive back bare feet and in his underpants which were actually boxer shorts but underpants just sounds funnier!

We drove in to Cowes and tried to find a chip shop. The first one we found was closed but the second wasn't, so Pav being the only dry person went in and got some chips which we took home and ate in front of series one of Peep Show. I then went and slept for an hour and texted a few people, not while I was sleeping. About 7, we walked to the local pub. When we got there it was really busy with people eating and so we sat outside. That lasted about five minutes because it was freezing, so we went and sat inside. After about an hour, the place almost cleared out completely and so we could use the pool table. By about 9:30 it was empty apart from us. We played some more pool, I stuck to coke's this time and we left about 10:45.

When we got outside, it was really calm and much warmer than a few hours before when we had walked down. We walked back in the dark, which was fine because it was lit by lampposts until we got to the bottom of Cockleton Lane where we were staying, which incidentally was on a farm and had no houses around it, just horses in fields, was a very pretty rural lane. But when we reached the bottom of the lane, it was very dark and earie. It was definitely the sort of road you could get raped and murdered in! But thankfully we didn't, which I put down to good parenting.

We got home and watched some Alan Partridge and then went to bed. Dale and Darren fell asleep about half one and me and Pav stayed up on the iphones till gone half three. It was a nice time. We hung out for the last night we had. It felt close.

On Monday, we were up about midday. Dale had been up a while and had cleaned up like a good boy. We decided we wanted bacon with our breakfast and so Dale and I took a stroll up the top of the lane to a tiny Happy Shopper and got some bacon. By the time we got back, Darren had been told that we needed to be out by two and it was quarter to one at the time. That was shit because none of us were packed and we had a race against time to get everything packed and straighten up the house before we left. Dale cooked some bacon sandwiches and the fire alarm kept going off so one of us had to stand fanning that. In the end we rushed through and got out with five minutes to spare. It was two o clock and the lads ferry wasn't until 8:30 and so we had to find something to do. Firstly we went to my house and sat in the garden and had a cuppa for about forty five minutes to an hour and then we walked in to Newport and had a brief look around the shops, Sports Direct, Gamestation, HMV and then finally we went in Instore and I found a really nice huge cityscape wood mounted canvas print for £7.99 and a nice clock for £2.49 and so I thought 'why not'?

We walked back with me holding the huge canvas and then the lads bought a McDonalds. I went and got a final tenner out for the pub and saw how precariously close to my overdraft limit I was and then we walked back to my house. I dropped in the canvas and the clock and the we drove back to the pub and played some pool for an hour or so. We took a few photos and then drove back to Cowes and got the chain ferry back across to East Cowes. The lads tried to get on the 7:30 ferry but there would have been an extra £16 charge and so we just drove around for half an hour. We went past my old school and down a little road called Beatrice Avenue which I used to walk down when I was little, halfway along it, I was preparing to see my middle school and then suddenly I was like "WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE"? And they had built a massive housing estate halfway through the road. We finally found the start of the other half of the road and found my middle school, but the road had changed beyond recognition. There used to just be fields all around and now there were houses and roads. It was actually very sad.

Finally Dale dropped me off in the carpark where I was getting a lift back. We took a few photos and had our goodbye hugs and then they were gone!

It didn't take me long to get back into the whole online lark although it did feel weird being alone again after all the time we spent together. I loved every minute of it and I'd love to do it again. The lads drove back safely and today was just spent uploading all the photo's to facebook, and fuck knows when I started this blog. Was like four hours ago. I probably have missed little bits out however it's a pretty good account of the week. Whether you wish to read it or not is up to you however I wanted it so detailed for my own recollection. I wrote a very long blog when I went to Southampton in February and I asked you to leave me a comment if you read it all, so I'll ask the same again. I doubt nearly as many will now though because seriously, this is like a book!

Oh yeah and lastly, I managed to break a duck ornament a couple of days before we left. I was so clumsy. But it's all okay, she was happy with us and said we could go back anytime and it would be much cheaper if we do it the winter. So who knows :)

5969 words and seven full pages of open office. Crazy!

Bye x

Forgetting and looking forward

2009-07-11T18:18:00.003+01:00

Was thinking about taking the laptop this week because I want to blog daily but maybe instead, I'll take a note book. I guess this week is for people who really want to hang out with me and as disappointed as I may be with those who arent, I think I need to make the most of those who have put themselves out, I'm not the best offer for sure so those who came are good friends and they mean a ton to me.

Onwards.

Keep the worst kept secret a secret

2009-06-29T15:52:00.002+01:00

I remember the simple times when people kept their plans secret to avoid hurting the feelings of those people who wasn't a part of those plans. Not to rain on anyone's parade, but I do think it's wrong to publicly flaunt things especially in such a public arena like twitter, even if it is the worst kept secret on the planet.

Just saying, if you were in a group at school or work and you all had plans to do something together, you wouldn't talk loudly about it nearby one of those people who are not invited so what's different about twitter, because you can't see people's emotions, they don't matter?

Just for the record, I'm not upset or anything, I just find it aggravating because I think it's rude.

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

2009-06-17T15:01:00.005+01:00

Had a great dream last night. Was kinda regular like we were at a gathering somewhere and we kinda split up and me, Pav, Dale and Darren all went off one way, then later Dale went off to the rest off the group to watch something and I was pissed, anyway he came back and we went to a hotel that cost £795 per night and for some reason I thought that was a reasonable price, I like that in my dreams I am apparently loaded. Then we went in, then my alarm woke me up, I was well annoyed, it was like watching a drama and almost everything was normal, the people I was with, the people I wasn't talking to, usually in dreams I'll be hanging out with people from youtube with the odd person I knew from School etc, like a weird jumble of thoughts. Would have liked to have seen what happened.

EDIT: Just remembered, at some point Pav was acting drunk but he'd only had like a glass of gin and tonic and we were like, stop acting stupid Pav and he was smoking too! UMMMM

On a further note, some people come to conclusions without any facts, I'm probably just as guilty as you in doing this, but friendships in the past were in no way spoilt by me, I was pretty easy going once upon a time. The fact that I wouldn't go out clubbing or such in my book would never justify stopping being somebodies friend, sometimes you need people who you can go to the pub with one day and have a chat and not feel uncomfortable talking about anything with, I understand I'm not the friend you go out and party with but often those friends are pretty hollow and don't want to know if you are having a hard time, not friendship in my book. Anyway just based on things I feel, you should know that it's wrong and they are judgements about me I'd rather you didn't make.

Thanks to those of you who did comment my blog, most of you were unfamiliar to me. I guess I didn't expect a certain few to comment and I know it's hard to find words sometimes, but just so you know, I feel okay, I'm upset about a certain thing, it's not playing on my mind, the fact that I left youtube is pretty much unrelated, so nobody need feel weird about contacting me should they wish. Tom has by text and I appreciate it a lot.

Burning hot today!

The death of MyShowbizName

2009-06-15T12:09:00.004+01:00

Was a fairly melodramatic blog title but I think I got away with it.

A few days ago I had a bust up with somebody I considered to be one of my best friends, I don't have many friends so it mattered to me enormously. Ultimately I think foundations were being put in place to cut ties with me in the long term, I wont say anymore.

Living with social anxiety and being almost a recluse has lost me a lot of friendships over the years, people I thought I would be friends with my whole life. I take partial responsibility for losing them, After school/college, the friendships you make are never the same. You are no longer in a position where you see them everyday, what happens after is up to you both. Because I didn't go out, go to pubs/clubs/parties etc. I lost out in a big way, not on social life, I don't really care for those things however I lost out of friendships that meant the world to me. I hold resentment towards my former friends for abandoning me. Despite not seeing them, I would often call them, try to arrange maybe an afternoon at the pub, a few hours where we could just catch up, nothing extensive, maybe only for a few hours in a month however I never really got the same willingness back. People move on, find new friends and either forget or don't care about their old ones and for the life of me, I really can't understand why.

My friendships mean so much to me and I make few friends so that I can have close bonds with people. I've never really seen the appeal of having as many friends as possible, how on earth do you stay close? So anyway the events of a few days ago just knocked me sideways and I think I just wanted to disappear.

I have been low before and I have considered closing my youtube account on several occasions prior, I guess it took something as big as this to make me finally decide to do it. Youtube has been a curious experience for me. I first started making videos on another account in June 2007 under the account DomC234, the account has been closed for a while now, originally I made videos about my social anxiety, at that point I was completely alone, I didn't have a friend it the world and spent my whole life tucked away existing but certainly not living. It was not a positive thing for me to do, the people I met and followed were fellow sufferers and watching their videos just further depressed me to a point where I would cut myself, I had done this prior but not so extensively. I kinda hated the cliché of cutting myself, but I just didn't really care, I did it because in reality I wanted to cut my wrists and be gone, but I never had the guts. Is always tough when you don't want to be around any longer but likewise are scared to die.

Anyway eventually I stopped making videos and found stickam where inevitably I was ignored in Myles Dyer's chat room apart from by one person called Dale (The Gadget Dude) and I would never have imagined at that point that he would go on to be my best friend and the one person I would never doubt, he has always been my friend for over a year and a half, he has always showed a desire to want to speak to me and to have the feeling of reciprocation in a friendship is such a huge thing for me. We would go on to pm each other in stickam and eventually add each other on MSN, when we felt comfortable there, we moved on to skype about December 2007 and well we never stopped. In about October/November 2007, Dale told me about this guy on stickam called DaveyBoyz, we went on to frequent his room nightly where I first became friends Dave (Blue Skies) This was before either Dave's were featured and only had a couple of hundred subscribers each. That initial group of friends that went on to include Mhazz, Ginger Chris and John Cox would give me the courage to start the MyShowbizName channel, A channel which I decided to try to make funny videos and take over the world.

I had thought about making a channel for funny/entertaining videos and I never had the balls because being a noob I pretty much thought 'If I try and be funny, I'll most probably have the most subscribers of all time' This worried me because I had not long been at a place where I didn't want anyone to know me, in fact my first videos on the old account, I would put a ton of effects on to hide my face. My worry was, if I got famous, would I like being known? This was in the days where people thought having 5,000 subscribers was being famous. In the end I decided it would kinda be fun to be liked.

From then on I got 100 subscribers in a week and I thought, this is easy, It helped also to have "Celebrity fans" like Jimmy and Alex who kinda knew me a bit from VLR which was just before I started the channel. From there you do get pretty subscriber hungry and the more you get, the more you want, more so because you see the rate of growth in other people's channels, people who you know are not as good as you however have the distinct advantage of being vaguely attractive, it's certainly irritating when people get a couple of thousand subscribers in a month or two just for being attractive, especially when they are not attractive, I wont name names but people probably have their own ideas of who has subscribers they don't deserve.

I had to work pretty hard to gain my subscribers, people called it whoring myself out when I was in PJ and Alex's videos, but the truth is, people wouldn't give me a chance and the only way I could get a significant number of subscribers was to appear in popular youtubers videos. I don't feel guilty about this for several reasons, Firstly, I never relied on gaining subscribers just because of appearance, I always tried to write funny scripts so that people subbed to me based on my humour and not just because who I had made friends with. I was confident that people who were subscribing after those collaboration videos, had subscribed because they had liked me.

Despite this, I have found throughout my whole time on youtube that were it not for these videos I would currently probably have about 400 subscribers based on people who decided to subscribe because they look past me being an fat ugly git and decided that they liked me. That's a pretty low number based on a year and a half of effort. This is why in recent months I have lost heart and faith in youtube and when youtube decided to abolish the 'featured video' that was updated daily, I kinda thought, the chance to break through is no longer really there. These factors lead to thoughts of closing the channel and no longer being frustrated by not gaining any new subscribers. The biggest reason I decided not to in the past was just because I thought, if I ever wanted to make videos again, I'd kinda like to keep the username, I had established it and I'd always thought it was a pretty good name. Of course, not losing 1,100 subs that I'd worked for was also a factor but really only about 400 watched my videos so really it wasn't the biggest thing in the world.

To be perfectly honest I thought youtooners would help boost my profile, I really believe it was an exceptional idea and what we managed to put out was also brilliant, it's a shame that the second episode never got made because I think it is genuinely funnier than the first episode and was looking great, however I don't think from the start that certain people cared or particularly wanted to put the effort it involved in to making the episodes, it lead to friction and I take a lot of responsibility for that because I chose four people that I felt would work, maybe I should have made sure people wanted to really get stuck in to a project as large as it became. People lost interest and I didn't want to continue forcing people to make something they wasn't committed to. I'm happy that there are a few things out there that people can still watch and ultimately it was the only time I had a taste of being popular with the feature and such, despite this however, out of 5,000 early subscribers only 100 subscribed to me, I think I pretty much knew then that people wasn't interested in me.

So anyway, the events of a few days ago pushed me to do this, and I thought that I may as well get rid of twitter and dailybooth also because I am no longer MyShowbizName and those links have now ended, I am keeping the blog purely because I cba to change it, I like the blogger service and I have the domain so it's just easier for now.

I have made some good friends through youtube and more so stickam and I am not cutting ties with those people, At the moment I am just having a bit of time away, could be a week or maybe a few weeks, I feel better than I did and so maybe it'll be sooner rather than later but I enjoyed making videos, I wish I had gotten a bit more success and recognition but that's youtube for you. If I ever make videos again, I may just use blogger and upload the videos as a joint blog/vlog format. I don't know yet.

Points for those of you who read this through, I appreciate it :)

Gutted

2009-06-12T13:15:00.001+01:00

I haven't actually felt like this for a long long time, I actually feel a bit sick, sometimes it's hard to imagine how people can make you feel like you've been kicked in the balls without physically touching you.

An early morning blog

2009-06-12T08:43:00.002+01:00

I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I fell asleep very early last night. I think the stresses of friendships I have and friendships I feel are slipping away have drained me, I felt like I'd been beaten up yesterday and needed the sleep obviously.

My battery is very low so I've not got very long to write this, I'm not even sure what I'm going to say. I'm having difficulty with one friendship over the last 4 or 5 weeks and I don't want to make it obvious here because I don't want to share the ins and outs with everybody, I think it could be improved with talking however they don't appear to want to talk with me, They don't answer any of my phone calls, they seem to try as best they can having any form of spoken conversation with me opting instead for aggravated and frustrated IM conversations. I think the problem is bigger than they are letting on and it feels very much like the end of a friendship when one person isn't interested anymore in being friends and it's harsh and really horrible to deal with.

I can't force people to want to be my friend, I don't think I'm any different to the person I was when they seemed to like being my friend so I can only guess that it's a matter of somebody finding someone or some people and deciding they are better than their old friends and so cutting ties and moving on. Personally I've never been one for this and I find it unexplainable how people can do it.

I should imagine the person this blog is intended for knows it and I would just say to them that if this isn't the case then tell me, talk to me. Because as long as you keep distance then of course me and other people will assume things. Only you know the real story but we've been friends for quite a long time, I don't understand what has changed (or maybe I do) but something definitely has changed, shall we fix it?

Feeling unimportant

2009-06-11T13:18:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I feel like I go out of my way to make my friends know that they mean the world to me. Whether is just buying them little presents to show them you are thinking about them or buying them big presents under a false impression you could make the friendship tighter. Even if it's just saying 'I'm happy that you are my friend' once in a while. It's things like this I feel I am pretty good at. I don't have to buy people things and maybe I do it partly out of insecurity, the feeling that they don't think much of me, but ultimately I do it because I care and I want to buy a little gift once in a while. Sometimes I don't feel I get what I give, I know people are different and just because people don't say, doesn't mean they don't feel. But I don't know if I feel the same strength of friendship in return.

Times come along where you question things and more so in friendships where distance is involved. Maybe you see people going out of their way to see eachother but not going out of their way once it comes to you. Sometimes it feels like people use excuses to avoid spending some time with you and you can't shake off the idea that they wouldn't use those excuses in the case of other friends. I've tried pretty hard to orginise things but feel like their is just apathy in return and is that because I don't really matter? This is triggered by events but isn't really aimed at one particular person, I just sometimes feel I go out of my way to make my friends know... I sometimes need that too.

Wear Sunscreen

2009-06-03T18:44:00.004+01:00

For everybody leaving school or college, here are some words of advice from Mary Schmich who writes for the Chicago Tribune. In 1997, her June 1st Column was even turned in to a song by director Baz Luhrmann.

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Those annoying green flies should fuck off!

2009-05-31T17:37:00.002+01:00

The past few days weather has been perfect. Not just in terms of being sunny, often the sun is too hot, but here on the Island, we have also had a beautiful cool breeze accompanying it. It's just gorgeous, I wish I had people to share it with.

The Island can be such a beautiful place to be, I take it for granted but with the rolling countryside, cliffs and beaches, It is quite a brilliant place to live, but I am at a point in my life where I don't mind where I live, I just want to live with people I care about. That's by no way saying that I don't care about my family, of course I love my family but there's a time when you need to escape and be with like minded friends or a loving girlfriend. I really need that I think at the moment. I am in a much better place then I've ever been in my adult life in terms of my mental health and now I feel trapped.

I guess when people all over are meeting up with Tibblls and Glasgow along with PJ and Lex and stuff, it just reminds me again and again that I have nobody really to hang out with. I am actually friendless where I live, I actually don't have anyone to sit on a beach with, go to the pub with and I feel so close to some of the people I've met online in the 20 months that I would just love it if I lived with or near some of them so we could regularly meet up or hang out.

I often think that those of you in the midlands miss out by not taking enough advantage of your close proximity to each other, dale lives 30 minutes drive from Dave, 1 hour from Pav, less on a train, Darren isn't too far away either, it seems like you guys should be hanging out loads. I wish I lived around that area just for that reason.

I got my first fan on youtube today, just a year and a half it took but I got there XD

A brief vengeful blog

2009-05-26T20:33:00.003+01:00

I feel like I've been dumped, doesn't feel good actually.

In other news, Burnley beat Sheffield United yesterday which means that the scumbags have to spend another year in the Championship.

I voted Green Party on the european elections, weighing up the pro's and con's, I just decided they aren't as big a cunt as the rest of them.

Also, You're a prick.

Bye

Little less information

2009-05-24T14:39:00.003+01:00

I don't really know why I'm writing a blog, before I go on, this is likely to be a bit down so you've been warned. I guess I think it's weird that other people's lives can have a direct effect of how you feel. Going back to what Tom said about people's blog's affecting how he feels. I think it's totally true and because we are bombarded with a silly amount of unimportant information about people's lives through blogs, twitter and whatever else comes along, you are constantly getting information about what other people are up to.

I'm probably abnormal but people being happy doesn't necessarily mean I am happy and vice-versa. Do I rejoice in other people's misery? No. But sometimes I think it's easy to just feel jealous maybe, left out possibly by people posting just about everything they do. Just heard Scunthorpe are beating Milwall 3-2 so am momentarily happier then when I started this blog :D Right, I dunno exactly what I mean, just that maybe people need to be more exclusive about what they talk about, some information that people release seem to be nothing more than boasting 'Look at me, I'm here, I'm with this person etc.' You are with people, doing something, why waste time tweeting it so that everybody who isn't with friends can just feel totally shit? Because more often than not, that's the effect it has, certainly on me and I would wager that others feel similarly.

I have never been so tempted to delete my youtube account, blog etc as I have today. Principally I haven't because while youtoon is still possible, I feel I have to keep it, but I think once I know that is dead, I shall have to rethink that position. Just feel like I need to get away from the heaps of excess information that almost never make me feel good and almost entirely make me feel bad. Unfortunately, twitter and alike is too addictive and it's so easy to feel out of the loop if you are not a part of all these things.

Football season finishes today. Will be an exciting day but then 2 months plus without football will be shit.

Summer, birthdays and last fm

2009-05-20T19:53:00.004+01:00

It's nearly 8pm and it's light out with perfectly blue skies and it's brilliant! Also I think I just might eat an entire box of cherry bakewells tonight (remember them?) 66p for 6 at Morrisons, I know I shouldn't but it turns out that they're really nice.

I love lastfm, I don't know why but I do, I want to overtake Jemma's 66,000 odd plays, I'm on about 2,300 so I've a way to go yet. Note to John, remove her scrobbler on the sly and I'll listen to loads of short songs.

I wonder why it is that people feel the need to try and make their friends like the same bands that they do? I do it, I expect that if my friends don't love my music, it must be because they've never heard it, because I have a great taste in music I think. Pav tried to get me to listen to Pendulum, was a bit shit, I tried to get him to Lemon Jelly, he said it was alright so I was one up.

John and Chris' birthday party is very soon and I wish it was a little closer to home, like my place or something. I want to see them, there are many people I have not met as yet that I would like to, John and Chris obviously and Emily and Jemma and I've only met others like once, haven't seen Mhazz for ages. Anyway, I'm sending their presents off tomorrow. I hope they like them and I hope it reminds them of me and just how shit the party is without me. In fact, get in touch if you wanna be the person I hire to sporadically say "This would be so much better if Dom were here, but I guess life goes on" throughout the night. I'll pay you in kisses. Someone should probably say it at the TIBBILS gathering. Make sure lots of people hear you. If they don't concur, punch them.

I am currently listening to Coldplay - X&Y, that is all.

Bye

A happier explination

2009-05-13T20:03:00.003+01:00

Before Tom posted his recent blog, he came to me and told me that he wasn't referring to my blog and was still following it.

My blog is pretty depressing, the problem is, when I have things on my mind, often this is the only place I feel I can let off steam, and sometimes the only way I can get a message across to certain people. I don't actually want to bore people in msn/skype conversations with my depressing thoughts, so when they say "Are you ok?" I say "yeah fine", it's pretty much the way society works. Nobody really wants to know if you have a problem, it's just chit chat.

When I'm not down, I don't particularly have anything to write about, so I don't think about blogging, I've tried before and I can barely think of two sentences worth before I get stuck. I am not sorry for writing predominantly depressing entries because it's my blog and that's what I need from it, however at the same time, I could probably understand why Tom would want to unfollow or certainly not read every entry. I'm glad he still reads though. I would guess, that Darren, Pav, Dale, Dave, John, Jemma, Chris and Tom are the eight followers of the blog and I guess the key people are interested in me, so that's ok.

I'm gonna write one depressing thing now and then move on to something happier so look away now.

At the moment, I'm experiencing a friend who seemingly has stopped talking to me and I'm not sure what I've done wrong. This gets me down.

Right...

itunes!

I have had itunes for a while now but I rarely used it, however last night I put about twenty albums on it. Today has been brilliant listening to full albums again as opposed to the odd track here and there. I used to listen to tons of albums before youtube and having anyone to talk to. I just used to spend everyday listening to different CD's but lately I've just have odd songs on shuffle. I rarely listen to CD's now. I love having the CD's digitalised and I fully plan to rip all 250+ albums to itunes but I've been holding off until I get a large external hard drive because I don't want to take up all my laptop's hard drive.

I uploaded a ton of Moby, Macy Gray, The Go! Team and Badly Drawn Boy and I love it. I do however feel like I'm starting to fall behind on my knowledge of music because I haven't listened to the radio in about 2-3 years so I don't hear new bands and I don't know when some of my current favourite artists have new material out. For example. I adored Royksopp's first album, I bought the second and I only listened to it like once and I realised yesterday that I've had it about 4 years now and that Royksopp have released two further albums since then. I'm not sure how I can start to get my knowledge up on new music again without radio because I just think that all dj's are fucktards.

On the topic of music, I had a couple of ideas for videos revolving around favourite music. It was either a desert Island Discs style video or a 51 things video but related to 51 favorite albums. I'm not sure if or when I'll do either. The 51 things video would probably be easier. Neither of them would be amusing. I feel a bit of an obligation to try to make funny videos for the people who are subscribed. I don't know if they'd be interested in a straight video.

Me and Tom decided earlier that an unnamed youtuber is an ugly little fucker. I like this!

Life Circle

2009-05-11T13:49:00.004+01:00

I'm just so fed up today. Fed up of life.

This blog has nothing to do with people or insecurities. It's just about the monotony of day to day life. My life, more than most is a little empty however from what I observe, there aren't many people who live exciting and interesting lives. I think my feelings were reignited by iianardo's latest video. He just talks about routine and waiting for something interesting to happen. I know that feeling so so well!

The difference between us (apart from the obvious) is that Ian goes and looks for the interesting event. I let life's worries hold me back from ever exploring. Fear has held me back my whole life and how do you ever shake it off? The common advise is usually "You've just got to go and do it"! But how? How do you just stop being a certain way and ignore all doubts and worries? I really don't know that it's possible.

Ian to me, leads a pretty exciting life in comparison to me, he drives all over visiting people, he plays in a band, he seems to enjoy himself, and yet he is totally bored and looking for more. So where does that leave me? If I were to shake off some fears and start living, how long would it be before the new routine bores me? So do you continue to always pursue new things until it kills you? I read a lot of blogs by people taking exams and fretting about what lies on the horizon. I wish I could reassure them, however at twenty-five, I have no idea what life is all about and how to make the most of it. I don't know if anyone is truly satisfied with their lives.

Again, I use Alex Day as an example of somebody who seems to be really making life exciting for himself. To some extent, he has been extremely lucky achieving "fame" on youtube, which seems to allow him financially to survive without a job and allowing him to travel all over the world. I wonder how many people with £800 in the bank, would throw it away for three days in Australia? But that experience of flying to a foreign country, partying with unfamiliar people and tasting a new culture for just a little bit is surely more rewarding than buying a big plasma tv or some material goods. In years to come, those experiences will really matter.

So why do people live day to day without making anything happen for themselves, why do we accept the day to day routine we become tangled up in? Is it a fear of death? Are we to afraid to end it and get out? I think it is. I think we are too afraid of life and of death which seems to lead to a vicious circle of averageness.

Well, I hope that's cheered you all up. Let me know what you think, am I right? If not, what do you think?

A break from football

2009-05-09T13:01:00.002+01:00

I feel a little forgotten by some people at times. Just sometimes I wonder if I didn't make contact with certain people, would they ever come to me, would if just be casual and unimportant. Anyway, just an observation, I don't want to drone on again so I'll leave it there.

I feel like I want to move on to another subject now but other than my paranoia and feelings of being unloved, I often can't think of much to put in this blog. I wonder which blogs people enjoy reading the most and what is it about them that they enjoy?

Personally I enjoy reading Alex's blog simply because he leads such a full life and it's nice to hear about everything he gets up to. Obviously, he can grate at times as he often writes his opinions down as if they are fact and I know that he gets to people sometimes but ultimately, I enjoy reading a blog that is more eventful than the majority. I also enjoy reading Ginger Chris' blog, even though you only get an entry 4 or 5 times a year. Chris is such a brilliant writer and manages to successfully convert his great sense of humour in to his blog, it always makes it a good read.

Well then, back to Soccer Saturday.

I never know what to title my blogs!

2009-05-08T01:01:00.002+01:00

I wondered how long it had been since I posted a annoying, whiny blog about how everyone is wrong and I am right. Not long apparently. I suddenly found myself irritated this evening by a series of things, I wish I could be as open in my blogs as certain others are however because I know these problems are often self created, I'd rather just be vague if you don't mind.

My biggest problem in life is dealing with change. I think I decided this evening that I liked things better 12 months ago. I knew where I stood with people then and I had a pretty clear understanding of my friends and what they thought of me. Lets just say, I've always been friends with people on one to one terms, possibly because I'm self absorbed and I like all their attention to be on me, as time has gone on and friendships have mixed, while I do enjoy it. Sometimes I want to break things up and be separate again.

You notice with certain people how time has changed your friendship. With certain people, you get used to being their 'go to' guy and just recently with one person in particular, I've noticed that when they are looking for conversation, I am no longer near the top of the list. I guess that gets to me. It can also be worse when they start to turn to other mutual friends because you feel like, time has moved forward and they've realised they like someone better. I don't know if that shocks me, but it does hurt a bit. Group friendships are difficult when you've spent your life having very few close friends who never mixed with each other. Maybe I'm still like a kid who is finding it hard to share.

I'm not hugely depressed or down at the moment, just having a difficult day where I want to separate things and reaffirm individual friendships, maybe I feel unable to do that at the moment because group conversations have almost become habit. Maybe these are feelings unique to me. But I don't understand how people are able to exist in large friendship groups and feel important or to not feel like certain people leave you behind? I think the gist of what I'm saying is there, it's not structured particularly well but it's late and I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say.

On a separate note. After paying attention to one particular twitterer today, I was informed that they were surprised I had shown such an interest because as they put it "I thought he didn't like people?" I didn't like to disappoint so I rectified the situation immediately.

Night

My blog, my jumbled mind and music

2009-04-30T23:43:00.005+01:00

I see it's been ten days since I last wrote a blog entry, it feels like a lot longer.

I'm never really sure who I write these blog entries for, the people reading it, friends who I want to send messages to or myself. Sometimes it feels rather pointless writing entries. I think only eight people read this according to google reader. Not that I expect hundreds like Dave, Alex and Liam, however as each new blog starts up and sharply overtakes mine in subscribers, I think to myself, 'hey wait a minute, I know more than eight people don't I? Then reality hits in and I realise that most of those people don't really care enough about me to care what I do or think.

I just checked my google reader and I read about twenty people's blogs, I guess I'm not best friends with a lot of them but I'm interested enough in them to read a semi regular blog. When I see it like that, the fact that close to twenty people don't read my blogs is a little disheartening. I think also, because unlike youtube videos, people rarely comment on blogs, it's easy to feel ignored, and strangely enough, I think people commenting on blogs can be more important as it would be a response to people's true feelings, things that matter. It is very easy to comment on youtube videos, they are pretty meaningless.

I can't particularly remember why I started this entry, I think I'm just a bit jealous and paranoid at the moment, It happens to me far to much over the most insignificant and stupid things. Like the new day long sensation buytter. I wanted to by my friends, but when those friends don't want to buy me, I then question why not? What are the thoughts behind their reasoning? It's stupid, I know it doesn't mean anything however it'll probably be in my mind for a few days before it passes. It can be exhausting being this fucked up sometimes. There is another couple of incidents from today that have left me feeling down but they are even more petty and I'd rather not embarrass myself anymore by going in to them. Also the people involved shouldn't be made to feel as though they've upset me.

In other news, I'm going to stay on in the charity shop for the foreseeable future. Although strictly speaking, I have filled my requirement at the shop. I feel it's good for me as it's hopefully a step towards ultimately finding some path in life I'd like to move towards. I'm also at the college trying to make my new CV a more appealing read. In doing these things, it's given me a freedom that I haven't had for a good four years. To just go out in public and not feel ashamed to show my face to people. It's nice to feel proud of yourself once in a while.

Tonight is the first evening for many months that I have spent just sat listening to hours of music. It's so easy to become stuck in a rut of going on skype and talking for hours until bed. I have wasted so many hours on skype sitting in boredom and I have neglected music. Before I had any online friends, I spend my days and nights just listening to music. Of course it's nice to not be alone anymore like I was however I think I need to find a balance.

I think at the moment, I'm craving the feeling of being loved. I've never had it, I've never known what it feels like. I'd imagine it must be nice to be loved by somebody who doesn't have to.

I'm late

2009-04-20T09:35:00.002+01:00

Haven't written a blog in a while so I thought I'd write a quick one before "work" mainly because I don't wanna go and this is a suitable way of procrastinating and being late. As I see it, it's voluntary and shite so they can get what their given.

I have felt so much closer to people just lately, no sudden mood swings. It's all good, tend to be talking to some of my favourite people on a regular basis now so the time which I have to convince myself that people dislike me or other such thoughts are limited. There are a few select people who I think are the best people in the world and I want to be able to hang out with them more often. Hopefully there'll be chances to do that in the near future. As great as it is talking to people on a daily basis on skype, nothing compares to physically being with people.

I think just recently I've been able to cement my thoughts and feelings towards certain people, not just in terms of who I consider to be my very best friends but also the people I'm not so fond of. Some of these relationships were strained anyway, however recent events suggest to me that they probably would prefer it if I were not a part of things which I accept.

I can't think off hand about too much else and I should be at work like now, but fuck it 20-30 minutes late, gonna either get a day taken off or shorten the days by an hour, probably get Monday off, I'm pretty much dipping my toe in at the moment for CV experience but in all reality it's no fun.

I suppose I'd better start getting ready.

bye

One way friendships

2009-04-03T04:56:00.003+01:00

I often find myself if friendships that I consider to be far too one sided to be viable. There is only so long that one person can hold up the friendship. I feel like I've experienced almost entirely one way friendships, some more one sided that others and to an extent I believe it'll probably always be the case because I like intense close friendships where we regularly talk about anything and everything no matter how big or small. Having said that after a while, when I sit down and think, I start to realise that unless I initiate contact with them, they will not come to me and so I have no question whether I want to continue down that road or just let it fizzle out.

I don't have too many friends and obviously there is a reason why they don't want to stay in contact but I don't really know why. It's more intense online because with MSN, Skype, twitter etc, you really notice when people aren't talking to you far quicker than you would in real life and in reality I am not a paranoid person in real life friendships, but with distance involved and the all the ways people can contact me online, it does constantly play with my mind.

I worry at the moment about my sanity. I am pushing people away, I am jeopardising friendships. one minute I feel ok and a day or so later I am riddled with doubt about how people feel. It's actually hurting my brain. It's 5:07 now and it's just constant questioning, I feel I am on one hand being over sensitive and unreasonable but on the other hand justified in why I am upset. It's not fair that friendships should rely on one person making the contact because when people come to you, it's a boost, you realise they come to you regularly because they like you, they want to talk to you and want to be your friend, without that, you just feel like a someone who passes the time when people are bored.

I'm quite mixed up and confused. I think I've identified a handful of people who I can genuinely call my friend but even among those, I don't know whether it's mutual.

On a separate note, Youtube. I really don't know where to go, I've lost any will to watch videos let alone make them. I don't feel like there's anything that actually makes my channel worth watching, the videos are occasional and thin on content and because of that. I just don't feel in any hurry to do another video. I dunno how long that'll last.

Just as well Spring is here because that is solely the thing lifting my mood at the moment.

Money and friends

2009-03-31T00:10:00.003+01:00

I'm finding distance so incredibly difficult to deal with at the moment. I feel so alone because I don't have anybody to actually hang out with. All, my friends live halfway or more up the Country and it's just impossible to spend time together. It's very hard to cope with, I need to win the lottery. I know everyone would love to and they say money can't bring you happiness however it does open opportunities and make it so much easier to live life the way you want to. It'll never happen of course. Just to have unlimited funds to be with friends, have somewhere to be, things to do. It must be such an incredible feeling to have the cash to do whatever you want. Yeah ok there are probably downsides but I'm sure I could live with them.

There's been a few new skype lists appearing in blogs lately, not so good for people like me, can't help but think I've appeared in at least one and it's not been incredibly positive. I'm going to refrain from doing another full list because It just seems like a way of being harsh to people, so what I will do is say a few things to a few people, none of it negative. This is to my true friends, the people who I know have time for me.

*We talked a week or so back, it was the best talk I've had with you since the old days of stickam. I enjoyed it very much because sometimes I don't feel close enough to you. It seems like we drift apart at times and I would like to make our friendship closer. I can't be the only one to make the extra effort, I guess it's whether you want to.

*Sometimes I'm a complete prick to you. My paranoia and vulnerability often make me question what you think about me, not whether you like me, just whether it's a friendship more special than your average friendship you have with many others. I just need more sometimes.

*Have a great day today. I think you are fantastic and felt so privileged that you came to me recently when you had tough times, It really helped me to appreciate your friendship, sometimes when people chose to confide in me, it just allows me to understand the depth of our friendship. You've been through the wars and I was happy to try and keep you amused with texts.

*We've always talked and it's always felt natural and you more than anyone are the one person I never doubt. I know you want to talk to me, I know how you feel about our friendship and I'm so glad to have you as a friend. I'm happy to be there for you to confide in and I'll always be there for as long as you want me. I just wish the distance wasn't so huge.

*We haven't spoken for a while. Don't ever think it's because I don't value you. I guess with my moods changing all over the place, I've not spent an awful lot of time talking to people. But you know I have a lot of time for you. I also have a great birthday present for you.

*My two Scottish friends need to help us more, there's no project without you guys. I don't feel as close to either of you as I did 12-15 months ago. That shouldn't be the case, talk to me, I wanted you both because I think you're great, a text here and there wouldn't go a miss.

I guess to almost everybody else who would consider themselves my friend. A text just to say hello can often mean a lot every now and then. People drift into their pocket groups and although there is a large group, it still feels like it's made up of smaller tighter friendship groups and that's fine, it's expected, but it could so easily pull the larger group apart if people aren't careful of how closed it can seem to others, maybe we should all make more of an effort to spend extra time talking to those we have neglected.

Right bed.

:S

2009-03-26T18:15:00.009Z

I don't know what to do with myself. Kinda fed up of feeling unhappy or bored or both. Sometimes talking to people makes things worse. I don't know why, maybe I'm so paranoid, I always believe there to be something sinister behind why someone isn't talking to me or why conversation seems more difficult. Don't really know what to say. Things are happening in real life that scares me but ultimately should make things better, maybe in the long run they will but I just feel at a dead end, wanna start a new life somewhere else. Well then, think I'll go and think.

I don't know why the photo's, just cos I'm bored, they look nice and such. Hollyoaks is on now, time to take measures to ensure I don't see it.

Productivity

2009-03-23T11:40:00.003Z

Well I thought I'd write a blog because I feel very down and don't particularly know why. I guess this is what blogs a for. I've just realised that I have nothing to write about, I don't know why I'm unhappy and so I can't write about that, I don't recall anything interesting happening recently and so I cant talk about that. I guess I have things going on in real life that scares me, but I can't say I particularly like divulging my real life (what little there is of it) on the Internet.

I just finished listening to GC on Strathclyde Fusion and it just reignited my interest in either making a podcast or preferably something larger, like an online radio station. I'm sure it'll just be another idea that falls by the wayside, I don't think I have the drive to make anything I would enjoy actually happen. Love Alex Day or hate him, you have to admire his drive to not let his ideas pass him by. I wish I were more like him in that respect.

Don't you just sometimes feel like you are totally and utterly wasting your life? These ideas I have are obtainable and would occupy my brain and make me a far happier I'm sure, but instead, I do nothing about them and sit around being bored, why do we pick boredom over productivity?

Drama

2009-03-18T12:56:00.002Z

I happened upon a blog yesterday full of fifteen days worth of conversations between a group of people, I had heard that it had gotten a bit bitchy and so the natural thing to do is obviously tweet it. To some extent I feel sympathetic towards those who were part of this chat because people should probably start to realise that EVERYBODY BITCHES!

Unfortunately for those involved, they had somebody in the chat who was untrustworthy and that's probably an area where they were naive. If you are gonna have a bitch, it has to be with people you trust and lets face it, everything bitchy you say if documented will look and make you sound awful. I personally don't really judge these people too harshly because I am guilty of exactly the same behaviour and I think anybody who can say they don't bitch about people is either a saint or completely delusional.

When things happen in the "community", people will usually have an opinion on it and often they wont know the full facts, but does that stop people from discussing it? No. Would you voice these opinions to those involved? No. Why? Because often bitching is just a form or grieving annoyances that aren't nearly important enough to cause trouble over, and yes when it is written down and you read it is about you, I can understand that it would hurt and I can understand you would feel betrayed by those people involved, but I think you should understand that none of it matters. I can't properly articulate what I'm trying to say but I think the gist of it is there.

I feel slightly guilty because none of the bitching was about me and so really I had no bone to pick with them however when you hear of a 15 day bitchfest, you just have to sit back and watch it unfold like an episode of eastenders. I am sure people do bitch about me and I'm sure people who I like and trust do however that's life, everyday, those people closest to you do things that grate on you and it's pretty insignificant, not enough to make it worthwhile causing friction in the friendship, and so you get it off your chest by airing it elsewhere and it feels better.

I suspect many people call me a fat prick or a whore behind my back and so what, I am fat and people will naturally be aggravated when I get some subscribers from other people, does it matter enough to say to me, not really, it's YouTube and these sagas are like a bad celebrity magazines.

I think everybody is sorry, the people involved in the chat are sorry because you don't expect these things to get out and in written form, the things said seem overly harsh. The people who have had things said about them are sorry because they don't know whether these people are their friends, I hope that they can see past it and just realise that it goes on all the time and many other people have probably said the same things and is it their business? NO, but when it's common knowledge, people will always talk especially people who spend so much of their lives on the Internet and in particular skype. I have bitched before I am certain and do I dislike people I've bitched about? Nope.

Ginger Chris said to me yesterday "People just need to accept that it happens all the time", he later went on to say "I'd be offended if I wasn't important enough to be bitched about"

So now we know, if you're gonna bitch, make sure everyone involved is trustworthy or just don't bitch at all, but that would be no fun!

Sometimes

2009-03-11T23:41:00.003Z

Sometimes people are overly blunt, they talk at you like you are a child they are telling off or a younger kid at school that they are trying to intimidate, sometimes they say things that probably they needent say because it only goes to weaken a friendship that has always been fragile.

Sometimes people talk to you as though nothing is wrong, they play along with jokes, they seems fine, then they go telling people that you make them feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes people say things they dont mean to avoid talking about the things they really feel. Sometimes people need to know where they stand.

Sometimes, life is very hard to deal with.

I haaad a dream

2009-03-05T11:25:00.001Z

Dom says:
drempt about you last night

Dale says:
nice

Dale says:
i dont usually dream much, but recently alot of dream involving jade, which i suppose can only be a good thing

Dom says:
you had gone missing and for some reason you didn't want to know me anymore :( so we finally ended up at a party together and you were getting off with jade, then you turned the other way and started getting off with who i thought was sinead but then i saw had a penis and it turned out to be dave blue in a wig and i was upset because you were getting off with dave instead of me.

Dale says:
LOL

A weekend at Tom's

2009-02-23T17:02:00.008Z

This is very long so if you're not in the mood, read it when you are, 2380 words :s.

Got back last night from Tom's, slightly constipated, very tired and looking forward to a nice sleep.

Friday night, I set my phone's alarm for 7am but then forgot to enable it and so I woke up at 8am and panicked because the ferry was at 9 and I still needed to jump in the bath and get ready and get out the house by 8:30. We cut it close but I managed to get there just with my small bungalow sized bag on my back. I boarded the ferry and spent a semi nice journey on the ferry despite their being loud northern people and a ton of people with small children on board, one of which could walk but had no hair on it's head, do babies learn to walk before the grow hair? It disturbed me somewhat.

I got off the ferry and was soon greeted by Dale, PJ and Darren. We went and had a coffee/tea/milkshake in the café near the redjet and then went off to find somewhere to park, we spent a ton of money on Saturday just paying for parking. So. Our main objective was to look for a nice new camcorder for PJ. We went to Jessops and there was nothing there, but I acted like a proper grown up and asked questions to the man in the shop about if there was any other camera shops, I felt rock hard.

We ended up at the West Quay shopping centre and went into Curry's not holding much hope, apart from seeing a gorgeous 60" LCD TV, we also found the Sony SR12, which we had kinda decided PJ should get before we came to Southampton and it was £699 which was £40 cheaper than we'd found it online,this was because it was the last one in store. We played about with it for a bit and I asked whether she could hold the camera for an hour or so and we would come back, I also bartered on price, which made me feel rock hard! Didn't work though.

So, we went back to the car and sat naved our way to a bigger Jessops, 20 minutes drive from Southampton. From the outside, it looked amazing, big and brand new, but inside it was shit, they had nothing, although they did have the canon XH-A1 on display which we all jizzed over before leaving. It was a complete waste of 30-40 minutes petrol and I got well car sick and ended up feeling ill until I got home so that was a mistake.

So we came back to Southampton and after much negotiation, PJ managed to get permission to buy the camera, so we did and everyone was happy, but I felt ill and also happy. By this time we went to Toys R' Us to look for a toilet before I pissed my pants, there was no toilet, we parked up and it was 20p for and hour and a half, which suited us because any more was extortionate. We were gonna go to Ikea but instead we found a Tesco Home, so we went and found a toilet in there, I also found out that West Ham were losing to Bolton 2-0, so I was momentarily pissed off.

At this point, we wanted to go back to Tom's house because the others were all initially in Winchester at Ian's, but then went to Basingstoke for some reason, I didn't wanna go because I felt travel sick still from the Jessops trip, we had wanted to get a key from Tom because we were fed up of Southampton and wanted to relax with tea in a comfortable setting, but Tom's mum was at the house so we couldn't, so we were stuck in Southampton with nothing to do.

Then we were phoning about, trying to find out what was happening because we didn't know whether to get stuff to eat or if people would wanna eat when they got to Southampton, so we got a McDonald's in a drive through near by and came back to Toys R' Us to eat. PJ and Darren both got a happy meal and we then realised how dodgy it was that four grown up men were sat in the car park of a children's shop holding happy meals and filming with cameras, despite this, we thought it was funny.

So finally, we found out that the rest of the gang were in the Furniture Village car park which was exactly opposite where we were but they didn't tell us that. So we drove round the corner, parked up and went to meet everyone, I wanted to hold hands with PJ to make Pav jealous but PJ was worried people would find out that he is gay so we linked arms instead, then Dale and Darren linked arms and we formed a chain. Then we realised walking through a car park in a four man link was actually difficult because of the threat of getting run over. Despite this, we got to the rest of the guys who had formed a 8 person odd link and beat us, however what it did achieve was me avoiding the awkward hello hugs.

So, we all went off to Asda to buy alcohol and I bought milk because I wanted nothing more than a cuppa. We, then travelled back to Tom's house in a four car convoy. We arrived back and all came to the horrible realisation that Tom had no lock on his bathroom door, so we had to be very careful that we didn't walk in on anybody.

The night wasn't so much of a party because everybody was shattered, so we mainly lounged about being hungry, we thought about ordering pizza but nobody did so we ended up snacking on a few sausages and hoola hoops, it didn't fill me up. I watched Drop Dead Fred with, Dale, Jade, Hatti and Ian while most other people were upstairs getting drunk. Although at one point I went upstairs and everybody filmed a Four Guys and Mhazz video where Tom and Dave were having a go at Todd in jest I think. Ginger Chris has since pointed out that he's never seen anybody look as awkward as I did in that video. Funny enough, I wasn't awkward, maybe the edit made me appear that way although having said that, I was conscious that I'd become one of those people who hang around in the background of other people's videos at gatherings so maybe subconsciously I was awkward.

After Drop Dead Fred, pretty much everyone but Pav and I watched 'The Dark Knight', I went upstairs because it was very packed in the lounge and I laid on Tom's bed which by the way is extremely comfortable for all the ladies out there. I had a very gay cuddle with Pav while I was on Tom's Mac. Pav sort of made a cheek to cheek cuddle as I was sitting trying to work Tom's mouse. It was okay though, I enjoyed it. Then Darren came upstairs because he'd seen the film loads of times. Tom, Hatti and Ian also drifted in and out during the film. And then Pav seemed to go from Sober one second to uber drunk the next.

That then resulted in awkward skype chats between Rosie, Leah and Tom and then later Hatti in which nobody seemed to speak apart from Tom saying how drunk Pav was, I seem to remember him losing his phone, headbutting his phone, falling over a lot and coming close to vomiting at one point.

So later, we all found our sleeping positions and I bought out my new self inflating mat and pillow, which by the way, didn't self inflate and were extremely uncomfortable. We watched a few episodes of 'Garth Mareghi's Darkplace' which people talked over and I had to act as if I was OK with it despite being annoyed that they were missing out on some really funny moments. People need to watch it on their own to get a true picture of what's happening, the crap continuity and dubbing and the awful dialogue, I advise you buy it because it's well worth it and the in character commentary is as funny as the episodes. At this point most people were trying to sleep so I turned the TV off and attempted to sleep which was difficult and I needed a piss, it came to the point where I thought, either I go for a piss or I risk wetting myself in the night and embarrassing myself completely. I chose to piss, which meant trying to get through an assault course of people sleeping and then walking upstairs which made a ton of noise. I had my piss and then when I turned the toilet light off and then realised that it was pitch black and my eyes had no time to adjust, so I attempted to get back down the stairs without dying and went back to the uncomfortable mat that I called a bed and spent another 40 minutes trying to sleep.

I woke up probably 3 hours later and it was light so I went to the kitchen, Darren was up briefly for a piss but he went back to sleep, I had a cup of tea and felt fine until suddenly I got hit with fatigue and felt ill so I went and got my bed and slept of the kitchen floor for another hour or so, which I definitely needed. I woke up and had another cup of tea and then Doug woke up and we started making muffins or rather he did and I agreed that he should.

I think around this time, everyone was up and showering (not all together) and we were watching old skool Gladiators and Crystal Maze. Lex had to go slightly earlier to catch her bus so Tom drove her to Southampton and when he got back, I had to go to get my ferry so Dale, PJ and Dave came with. I said bye bye to everyone who were all very nice and had hugs and the formalities. Forgot to say bye to Tom :( but had actually enjoyed some real conversations with him Sunday morning about his job and university. I've never really had a proper conversation with Tom before so that was all nice. Outside by the car, I realised that I had taken no photos of the weekend and so I tried to rectify this by taking some with, me, Dale, Dave and PJ and we even got a couple of Sophie and Ian before we drove off, Maybe I can find some screen shots in video and make some nice photos.

Dale programmed in the postcode to the Ferry Terminal in his sat nav and commented at one point that 'Ooooh, this is a different route', we then realised why, because we'd driven to completely the wrong place. A place called Hythe and at this point I felt very car sick and needed a piss. We found a Waitrose and I went in but they had no toilets WTF? I got back in the car and have to grin and bear it for another 15 minutes or so while we drove back to Southampton, I made such an effort not to puke all over Dale's car. On this journey, we sang to Spice Girls as we had done on Saturday night on the way to Tom's and PJ played around a lot with his new camcorder.

We arrived at the Ferry terminal just before I wet myself, about ten to four and I had a piss and then found out that the ferry was at 4:30 rather than 4:00, which was nice because I had time to sit in the café with the guys before I had to leave. Afterwards, I hugged the lads goodbye and they went off in the car and I went off to get the ferry. I then realised that the gate was locked and I was in fact too late for the ferry which was confirmed to me by the girl in the ticket office. I said "I was here before 4:30" to which she replied "It leaves at 4:30 precisely", it didn't though because it hung around for like 5 minutes after she told me this.

The guys had already gone so I called them and told them I'd missed it, but I said not to come back because I knew they had a long drive back up north. So I went back to the café, bought a newspaper and two Creme eggs which melted. I sat texting Beth for 40 minutes or so and pretending to read the paper so I looked like I was doing something. Then Dave called and said they had come to keep me company, so he along with Sophie, Jade and Ian came back and we sat while Ian took ages doing god only knows in the toilet and then we walked up and down the pier watching the sunset over the docks. It was lovely of them to come back and stay with me and I really appreciate it. So then I got on the 6pm ferry and went and sat on top, outside the ferry, watching the sunset and seeing the illuminated city in the dark, It was very beautiful.

I got back home about 7:20 and sat in my pants eating a nice jacket potato. I then had a poo and made a cuppa tea and went straight to bed with my laptop. I didn't bring my adapter because I knew I'd stay up all night otherwise. I checked my emails, read 4-5 pages of twitter posts I'd missed and had a chat with Sean and JC before my battery died and I went to sleep for the next fourteen hours, I awoke and felt great and decided that the weekend had been a success.

Nice to meet you all, if anybody has read this blog from start to finish, then I applaud you. It's taken ages to write it, If you do get through it, leave me a comment and let me know :)

THE END

This is why I don't do things

2009-02-20T13:16:00.002Z

Going to Southampton to stay over Tom's tomorrow and I don't really know a handful of people who are going. Before today, I was dealing with it quite well but it's iminency has now left me a nervous wreck. As I type this, I feel like I have parkinson's desease, I just can't keep my hands from shaking and I feel very ill. I hate this feeling which is why I avoid things.

Anyway, hopefully, everything will go smoothly this weekend and I wont feel the need to commit suicide on Monday.

Valentine Dating Agency Presents...

2009-02-13T10:22:00.005Z

It's taken about two weeks, mainly because when we first filmed, I had the camera set to macro mode and everything was blurry so I had to refilm it the next time I could force my brother to come round. I think it turned out alright, the sound could be better because I filmed with my little Aiptek rather than the Toshiba, mainly because it's easier and more discreet and I get a bit embarrassed filming in public. Having said that, people seem to really like it and that makes the little effort I put in, worthwhile.

I was a tad worried that if people didn't find it funny then I would just look like a complete dick, but then, probably looking like a complete dick is why it's funny, I should have known it'd be funny, It has a fat person running in it, what more can you ask for?

Hello

2009-02-09T11:29:00.003Z

I fancied doing a blog but I cant really think about what to blog about. I lost half a stone and I don't know how, I've been eating junk food so :S If only it always worked that way.

Did a video for four guys and Mhazz yesterday, I ruined their 3-4 minute rule but I was really happy with the video. Tom actually gave me a backhanded compliment when he said 'I think if all your videos were like this, you subs would fly up', I'm sure it was meant with kindness but it was kinda saying the videos on your channel aren't great. But having said that I do agree with him, I always make better videos for other peoples channels than I do for my own. I don't know why, I just seem to have better ideas for other people. I think there's also an element of wanting to show a new audience that I'm worth subscribing to, Although I have been on other people's channels, I don't think I've ever just expected people to subscribe, I like to make a video worth subscribing to. I just wish I could make better videos on my own channel.

I have to start a course today called preparation for work, I'm a bit nervous, as some of you will know, social anxiety has crippled my life for a long time and this past year has been a transition for me, If you asked me a year and a half ago whether I'd be doing anything like this, I'd never have believed it, whether people will give me an opportunity to show that I'm not a moron and there's a reason for my inactivity up to this point in my life, I don't know, but I'm slowly changing, I'm going to stay over in Southampton on the 21st and I'd never ever have done that, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

That's saaaaad!

2009-02-09T00:43:00.001Z

Check the call duration and tell me I'm living life as it should be lived.

Winters Love

2009-02-03T12:08:00.004Z

Some people may wonder what all the fuss is about but I think there is something slightly magical about it, we never get any snow for one so why shouldn't we be happy when we wake up to settled snow? If nothing else, It's very pretty to look at so enjoy it. It'll be gone soon and we'll be back to dank grey weather so make the most of it.

Just a little video I made with some shots I took over the past two days.

memo

2009-01-25T01:17:00.002Z

I feel like Muriel Heslop, but don't worry, I'm not gonna steal money and follow you there. I'll just sit in my room listening to Abba probably.

I am Kofi Annan, and I bring you Fire!

2009-01-24T22:51:00.010Z

You know, seeing as my blog is becomming more and more obsure dipping from a embarrassing 10 subscriptions to a lowly 8, I feel I should be able to articulate my full thoughts about the whole elite debate. But we know it doesn't work that way, whether it's true that the group can be closed off or not, I think there's certainly a grain of truth in what's being said. I just think people need to be more objective and impartial when contemplating the context of what has already been said.

I'll keep my full thoughts censored however I would just say that nobody has an obligation to intergrate with others, the community is a bit of a myth and it's only there if you want it, I don't see being closed off as a bad thing, it's fair enough to want to be with your friends at gatherings, afterall they live all over the UK so you take every opportunity you can get but you should be aware that it probably can make you appear unapproachable. But unless you created the gathering and made it open to all then you have no duty to talk to people you don't know. If on the other hand, you did invite everyone but would rather hang out with your friends, that's fine but stop advertising it to everybody.

I think it's understandable after such a long period of time, people will have found groups of friends and that now they are firmly established, sometimes you do have to question exactly why a lot of the higher subscribed people are all in the same friendship group? Is it because they just have more accessability to eachother? I guess what I'm saying is, if a well known youtuber made an effort to befriend another highly subscribed youtuber, they would likely have more luck than an unknown youtuber. I think that because I've seen it.

None of what I am saying is aimed at anyone in particular, just merely trying to look at things in a more balanced manner. Defending yourself against an unfounded accusation to me just seems like people trying to make sure people know they are in this elite group that's being banded about. It all seems rather unnecesary. Having said that, it is rather fun.

Example:-

And also... Lex ^__^

A message

2009-01-19T17:31:00.007Z

Everyone cares for you and everyone will be there to comfort you if you want it. Take your time and deal with it, don't feel the need to try to forget and move on. Grieving is important, family is important. The Internet, cartoons and podcasts are not important.

I so wished I could have been there last night. I felt powerless to help. But remember that we're here night and day if you need us.

Love you x

___________________________

I AM NOT HERE

Don't stand by my grave and weep,
For I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint of snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning, hush.
For I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circle flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

I do wonder sometimes

2009-01-18T17:39:00.003Z

Sometimes you question your relationships with people. While never feeling close to some people, you do tend to wonder whether they are interested in being your friend at all. So sometimes when you ask for help, you should specify who you want help from. I always realise that I'm not who you'd want calling and that's why I don't but I do care and so if I try to help in someway, please at least acknowledge that I've tried, it's simple, I text you, you text me back, it's quite simple really.

This is not a big thing btw, but just an annoyance. Like I say, I'm not trying to be your best friend, just trying to show that I am a friend and I do care and if you don't want me to, just tell me, it'll make it easier for both of us.

OMG

2009-01-17T14:40:00.000Z

Someone made fanart for youtooners and it looks amazing!!!

YouTooners by ~MonfiFaerie on deviant ART

The Group

2009-01-15T12:18:00.003Z

I just read a blog by Jade about the elusive group that has formed on youtube over the last year. I thought it was very interesting because it's a subject I've been thinking about a fair bit over recent days.

I don't really know where to start or even how to articulate my feelings towards the group. Frankly I don't have any issues with people being part of this group and I don't really feel as though it is elitist and unaccepting of new members, if anything I think one of the reasons I feel so disassociated with a group that maybe used to contain just a few when I first met people is because too many people became part of it. Personally, as I've stated before, I am not comfortable in large groups and so part of my problem with people stemmed purely because the group I became comfortable with became uncomfortable.

That was never anybodies fault, nobody did anything wrong, and I can't help my natural reactions when presented with many new people.

I do think that because stickam used to be such a large part of the online community, that's how many people integrated into the group and because stickam is now dead, the group has kinda stopped growing and the friendships are now firmly established. I was having a chat with Mhazz last night and was saying how part of what I miss about the group is that feeling of togetherness that we had when we all met up nightly on stickam and that now everything feels fragmented and you don't know where everybody disappears to of a night. Because that hub has gone, it doesn't force people to be a friendship group where you can grow to like and accept people. Now it feels more like there are groups within the 'group' that filter off in separate directions and while it might be easier to talk only to the few you actually want to, I can't help but feel that it causes paranoia in the wider group.

As for my part in the group. I don't really feel a part of it anymore and that is due to my problems socially. Because there are so many meet ups and I can't be part of them, I gradually feel pushed out more and more as each gathering happens. The 'core' group that I got to know in October 2007 doesn't feel so close to me as they once did but that's really not their fault. It's just very difficult for me to constantly hear of new meetups when I can't be part of them. People just chatting about them in general hurts because it's people I would dearly love to spend time with that I just can't and while I am not at these events I feel like people are strengthening their friendships and I'm gradually being forgotten about among the people I really care about.

I really have no direction in this blog, while I can explain my feelings to people on skype, It's very difficult to structure them in a blog because it's a whole jumble of emotions running around my head and now more than ever, I find it difficult to deal with the distance between the people I talk to the most.

I feel a bit lost with this blog and I don't really know what I'm trying to say or where I'm going with it, so I think I'll leave it there for now.

Entry #47

2009-01-10T17:40:00.002Z

I think I'll use this blog entry to show my appreciation of my real friends, the people online that I am 100% positive of their friendship, it's difficult online to know who your real friends are, I have a large number of contacts through the Internet however I don't think I'd even need one hand to count the people who are my true friends. Three people in particular have been real friends to me in recent times. So to PJ, Dale and John, I'd like to actually thank you for being my friends and making sure I never doubted it. I know at times I can be difficult and before just recently we had a little fall out, but at no point did I ever think that you didn't want to be my friend and that you didn't like me.

To be honest, there aren't too many others who I feel so certain about, not necessarily that I doubt my thoughts and feelings about them, more so the other way around, sometimes I may speak to you, all seems good but sometimes it just feels one way, that's all.

Tubthumping

2009-01-09T02:29:00.002Z

Recently I've made up with most people, had some nice chats with some of my favourite people, all seemed good. But you know it's so easy to be knocked down again, probably unintentonally and maybe I'm easier to knock down than others. Unfortunately I was knocked down again today. Despite this, I'm gonna make an effort to try to get passed it, because I can't change it.

Blog where I say stuff about people

2009-01-06T00:36:00.008Z

I wanted to say names here like "you're a twat Dale" but apparently that's not how it works.

You're a twat Dale
Your my best friend and the person I've spoken to for the longest, we have a load in common and I'm gutted we don't live closer to each other cos it'd be awesome
Your legs are well nice like seriously nice legs, I'd totally bone you if my mate wasn't about to.
People left you out in the past and I never liked it, I used to storm out in protest so don't think I've deserted you, you just don't need me so much anymore.
I met you, your one of the few people I have met and I knew from that point on that I'd always love your arse.
I've never met you and I never want to, from what I hear, you're as irritating as I am irrational.
I fell out with you ages ago, I doubt we'll ever make up because it's been months.
You have long hair and a face and people don't like your face or you.
I enjoy our rare chats because our personalities are similar and we both love to slag people off, we should do it more and then be nice to their faces LOLLOLOLOL.
Your apparently annoying but I still would, but then look at the state of me, that's probably not a compliment.
We met a year or so ago and for a time we spoke quite a lot, we hardly ever talk now because I never quite know what you think of me, for some reason I feel like you tolerate me and that's about it.
I wont talk to you because the police might arrest me.
You've worked so hard and I think I've shown you how much I appreciate it, were it not for this project, we wouldn't have a problem. I was gutted when I couldn't meet you.
You're from Cyprus, I like you in a sexual way but I also like your personality which is a bit odd seeing as you are a girl and everything.
I was lucky enough to find a good friend from Ireland, I always wanted one, sometimes I think cos your young that talking to you would be weird but it never is.
My god, you are a goddess and should probably rule the world
People say it's gay that I love you inappropriately but I just say this "look at him, just look at him ffs"
As far as I'm concerned what happened recently was because you were getting involved in something you had no right to and I'm still angry with you and you'll have to be the one to change that. I do hope you will because your one of the only people I've met and I do like a nice big hug once and a while.
You live the closest to me and it makes me think we should be closer, I think we struggle to find things to talk about but I don't know why, I hope we do hang out more in the future, I'm a ferry ride away.
We don't talk much anymore, that's because stickam died a long time ago.
You have a weird mouth, it overtakes your face.
I've never actually liked you, and maybe I judge people too soon but from what I hear, my suspicions about you were right.
I'm so glad you seem to be conquering your social problems, have fun and don't be afraid to talk to me, you're one of the ones I like!
You're hilarious and you don't realise it!
My god, how could I possibly forget you? I love you, I'm glad you're getting regular sex now. Thanks for chatting to me last night, I needed a friend and you were there for me.

New years messages

2009-01-01T17:25:00.006Z

Unfortunately I only recieved two, I was very happy to recieve any to be honest, PJ sent me one saying 'everyone wished I was there', which is probably not true but nice to hear anyway. But I think the most moving new years message I recieved was from Tom Burns, it was a beautiful message that simply read 'Happy Birthday'

Me thinks he'd drunk a little last night, I got pissed on Lambrini, because I'm just that classy.

Sir Chris Hoy

2008-12-31T19:07:00.005Z

So the new years honours list was released today and it was like reading the nominees for the sports personality of the year competition. Lewis Hamilton MBE, A guy who no longer even lives in this Country and Chris Hoy who won three gold medals riding a bike in a circle. Fair enough, I appreciate the hard work these people have put in to be the best in their field however does it really qualify them to receive such huge honours?

I was just listening to talksport and they were asking the very same question, however they kept saying that people in football deserve it more, your Kenny Dalgish's and what nots, for my money, I don't see why a footballer is any more deserving than a cyclist, in fact aren't the natural rewards you get from these sports enough? How incredible is it to do a sport you love for a living? How amazing is it to win three gold medals and the most prestigious sporting competition in the world, the adulation you receive from the media and the public when you win. And as for footballers, the top footballers earn £60,000+ every week while tons or regular hard working people wish they could be in their shoes. They have a natural talent that in the grand scheme of life is pretty unimportant and they get rewarded handsomely for it, so why do they deserve MBE's, OBE'S, CBE's, Knighthoods and whatever else they can hand out? They don't!

How about giving knighthoods to the brave people who go and fight the wars we start, who risk their lives in the name of this Country in some pretty unpopular conflicts. How about giving knighthoods to teachers who dedicate their lives to trying to give the youth of this nation a good education before they grow up to want to be Jordan. Why don't nurses deserve to become dame's they work really hard looking after the sick people who live in this Country and they get paid a pittance especially in comparison with these footballers that play two games a in three days and complain of fatigue, they can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned.

Lets just give these honours to people who really deserve them rather than feeding celebrity ego's even more?

New Year

2008-12-31T18:35:00.005Z

It seems pretty strange to wish everybody a happy new year after all these depressing posts but I do hope that all the people I care about have a really great 2009 and I hope I can be a part of it in some way. It's not that I don't want the people I don't care about to have a good 2009, I just don't particularly care, either way it'd be nice if everybody could get what they want, apart from the scum, they can just die in 2009. Hitler had the right idea but the wrong target, lets cleanse the world of all the scummy arseholes who get suspended sentences for assault and whatever other ridiculously soft "punishments" this Country hands out.

Anyway, happy new year and shit

Change

2008-12-31T18:17:00.005Z

Things change, that's life. I dislike change immensely although I'm sure I need it at times. I desperately want to be more specific and name names but I just don't feel like I can. But sometimes I cant help but think when people form friendships, they inevitably weaken friendships with other people. I don't think it's possible for that friends sitcom style friendship group, where everybody likes each other the same amount and nobody feels insecure and isolated. I guess when your used to having somebody to yourself, you don't want to all of a sudden share with other people.

Am watching top of the pops, Reggie and Fern should just fuck off. Also it's possible to be so good at singing that you ruin a song, learn that Leona.

This isolation lark

2008-12-31T00:12:00.006Z

So I've not been about online for a while now, in fact only about five days but in online terms between people who spend many hours online each day, five days is quite a while and the things that constantly grates on me is the fact that nobody actually cares, for all they know, something bad might have happened, I know when certain of my online friends haven't been online for a day or two, I actually start to worry that something has happened, maybe that's because I worry too much, who knows.

As I write this I think to myself, Christ, I sound like I want people's attention all of the time and I don't think that's true, I just want to feel like I matter to the people who matter to me.

Being away from the social aspects of the Internet is a good and bad thing, It's good that I am actually getting to watch TV and know when programmes are on, yes tv is not great these days but there's still plenty to watch, being on msn/skype all the time just takes your attention away from what you like on TV. I watched the Shooting Stars night tonight on BBC2 and was in tears of laughter remembering how good it was, then I watched the brand new episode, It was okay but it's not the same, it's never really worked without Mark Lamarr and I think it was just perfect for that time in the 90's when people wasn't used to this "Random" comedy. Now of course with the Mighty Boosh and such, it's popular and trendy to try and make comedy weird and nonsensical, so now TV is full of twats trying to be clever and off the wall, hense why T4 is now unwatchable, fuck off and bring back Dermott O'Leary and Margareta Taylor.

It's also good because I can write blogs, usually I feel like I have nothing to write about however it's more likely that it's easier to blog when your emotions are all over the place and you constantly think about things, and I guess when you have nobody to vent to, it's easy to vent your feelings by writing them down. I also feel like I have to write lots of blogs now that I've stated I'm gonna go for an Alex Day blog explosion.

I guess what's bad is that without talking to people, it's so easy to feel forgotten and isolated from everybody, I think tomorrow will be the first new years eve probably ever that I'll actually be a little sad that I'm not out with friends, I guess I never really had "friends" plural in the past to feel as though I'm greatly missing out. But it's not possible for me to get there really, it's too bigger step and it's at a time where I've certainly fallen out with one person and who knows who else. I'll just have to think about all the people going that I'd really rather not spend the night with and maybe that'll take some of the disappointment away.

I can't think of much more to say, I want to be able to finish one of these blogs like Alex does where he says "This person just phoned me and now I feel happy again"

hmmmm

Some things

2008-12-29T21:20:00.004Z

I heard from a little birdie that episode one of youtoon was in line to be featured but Jamie thought it was a little long, I can understand that, I would have thought that the Christmas message was worth a feature, as much as I love somegreybloke and I really do, does he really need any more exposure? I was hoping that youtube might give exposure to something which I believe is innovative, is centred around youtube and is fresh, ok it pokes fun at youtube but then it is satire. Seriously, I've no problem with them featuring somegreybloke, but Gibbo's rehash of a pretty uninspired concept for the second year running was worth the feature but youtoon wasn't? Opening a wine bottle with a sword was more feature worthy? It does make me wonder about the people in charge sometimes.

So, new years is round the corner and I thought I'd make a list of some things I'd quite like for 2009, not goals, just wishes really.

* To be able to socialise on a more frequent basis
* To travel somewhere further than Southampton.
* To meet somebody
* For supposed friends to care when I am down, whether they believe I am being petty or melodramatic, just to actually put that aside and care that I'm unhappy.
* To learn how to drive, and not killing anybody, including myself
* To gain some popularity on youtube in my own right rather than off the back of others.
* To lose a ton of weight
* To finally learn how to play that guitar.
* To spend less time on the computer.
* To be less jealous of other people's relationships
* To make a video of genuine creativity, style and something more interesting than a vlog.
* To finally get my hands of some um bongo

I'll bet there are plenty more wishes that'll come to mind when I stop writing this but for now, they will do.

Further more

2008-12-28T00:33:00.004Z

I am pretty bored and low at the moment and probably paranoid and melodramatic too so these posts I am writing with stay unpublished until I start to feel differently by which time I shall unleash a barrage of blogs in an Alex Day style. I feel like I want to make the accusations that I'm believing to be true in my head but I should imagine that people will say I'm acting stupid whether I'm right or wrong so I guess I'll continue to be cryptic but I would liken the event in my last post to those occasions when you get stuck talking to somebody in the street and you make an excuse just to be able to leave, other people are more exciting to talk to than I am but I guess at a time when somebody is feeling alienated you should make an extra effort to show them they matter. Or maybe it wasn't an excuse and I am paranoid, I certainly wouldn't rule that out but when people stop talking to you, your mind cooks up theories or mine does anyway.

The past year has been unique for me in several ways. Firstly I've made friends on the internet, I never used to think of that being possible or even something I'd want to do. I know that people including myself used to think online friendships and relationships were stupid and the people involved were pretty sad. I still subscribe to the theory that online relationships are untenable and slightly sad, not an initial contact but the belief that the relationship is worthwhile when you live nowhere near each other and never see each other, I think it's an easy option for people who spend too much time on the internet and wont go out and meet real people. While that is partly true for online friendships, I think the reasonably new world of online interaction has made friendships strong, you speak often, you know what people look like, where they live, what they do. In every way it's like a normal friendship except you don't get the vital aspect of friendship and that is human contact. As fantastic as it can be to talk to some people online, nothing compares to being in the same place hanging out, just to be in the company of somebody you care about means so much and you can't get it online. "so come meet people" they say with absolutely zero understanding of me and why I've gotten to where I am in my life, It's as easy as that for you but not me, so being on the edge of friendships watching from the outside as people meet and become closer isn't easy because I know that while other bonds are strengthening, I feel lost, I guess that's nobodies fault but mine however people need to understand also that it's not a situation I like and enjoy and If I could be an outward, easy going traveller then for sure I'd chose that but I'm 25 and for the past six years I've not just been the opposite to that, but to extremes, I spent a three month period in 2007 when I couldn't go in my back garden and so to think that I can just do what you do is not possible for me, So it's not always me who wants to be left out, it's just who I am.

At this point in time, I'd rather just be on my own without the friendships that are constantly making me question peoples opinions of me, oh yes I'm sure it's nice to feel secure about friendships but unfortunately I never have felt very secure because I don't have any friends and so maybe it's understandable that I'm always expecting my friends to get bored of me and cast me aside or just forget about me, because that's happened in every friendship I've ever had.

Fobbed off

2008-12-27T15:51:00.003Z

Ever get the feeling people have better things to do than associate with you, so they fob you off with excuses of why they must leave, but you realise, they'd probably just rather talk to somebody else. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I doubt it.

Not in the Christmas spirit

2008-12-25T03:44:00.004Z

It's Christmas Day now, it's 3:44 and the events of the past two days have really ruined this Christmas for me. Today of all days should be a happy one and while I admit that my moods are easily affected, this has come at a rather rotten time and now I just have negativity and paranoia running through my thoughts. For the record, The choices you made today rather hurt because our friendship has run longer and I thought stronger.

Christmas hasn't been exciting for many years but at least it's a time for family and usually friendship, unfortunately that has weakened at the worst possible time, I will try to focus today on my family who truly care about me and wont ever let me down.

So today will be routine, crappy gifts, gluttony and falling asleep in the afternoon, and when the day is over it'll be deflating, I hate new years, I'm always on my own for it, have been for the past 10 years, to be honest before now, there hadn't been anyone for me to celebrate it with nor has there ever been anything to celebrate, and again this year while others are enjoying themselves at new years parties, I'll be reflecting again on a year of progress but of ultimate failure and disappointment. It's probably best that I'll be alone.

So I'm the bad guy

2008-12-24T13:57:00.002Z

It would seem people have me pegged out as the bad guy in all this and you know what, all that time he's spending doing the cartoon, I'm doing exactly the same and it's boring and do you know what, It's probably more boring for me because I get no personal accomplishment from it, I can't physically affect what's happening and when I hear that I'm holding him back from Skyping, that's not fair on him, yet at no point do people want to talk to me, so because I'm not wanted I'm dispensable. There are time limits, that's unfortunate, I'm fed up with it all. No more!