I am envious of so many people at the moment. Watching from afar as many embark on a new chapter of their lives at universities around the country. I just wish I could turn back the clock eight years and start over.
Tom, Doug, Emily, Jade and everybody else are totally different to how I was at 18 and totally different to how I am now. They were already pretty social, went to parties, clubs, seemed to enjoy meeting new people. I don't doubt that they all had nerves about uprooting to a new part of the country, leaving their friends and families behind, taking on enormous and daunting debts, but early indications seem to indicate that they are happy with their decisions and I think they'll have a great time over the next few years. The experience of freedom, living alone and fending for yourself to an extent is a valuable experience that will no doubt prepare them for life ahead of university. I wish I'd had the guts to go myself.
When I was 21, I got in to Chichester University on the course 'Media Studies and Media Production'. It was a move I felt at the time, could break the cycle of fear and anxiety that was making me reclusive. I felt sure it would give me the kick I needed to start living life properly. However, after I was accepted, the follow up letters regarding applying for halls and such kept arriving and made things all too real, I put them off, I tried not to think about it, but in the end, I had to. I was adamant that if I could get just one friend to go to the same uni as me, then I could do it. I felt so strongly that I needed a familiar face to get me through the first couple of months being alone in a new environment. Funny enough, I think I would have a much better chance of knowing people at uni nowdays having met so many people through stickam and youtube, unfortunately it's come about five years too late. Anyway, I never found anyone to go with me to university in the end and so I never went. I deferred for a year to see if I were anymore able the next year, but if anything, I had become more phobic than ever. Not going to university is my biggest regret. I think it's a life experience that is once in a lifetime and I think everybody should experience it. Your time might be good, bad or indifferent, but I think you'll learn a lot!
I'm aware that it's still possible for somebody my age to go to university, however I think it's too late. I don't think it'll help me in the same way and I don't think I'll feel like I belong.
The other person I am envious towards at the moment is Chen. I have an inkling as to what I think he may be up to at the moment however I admire his balls and drive to get off his arse and make it happen. It sounds like an incredible journey and I dearly wish I was on a similar one. I guess, like with going to uni, I feel to achieve something, I would need a collaborator. Somebody to share the dream and the vision. Unfortunately I don't have anybody who lives remotely close. One day, I'd love to experience the thrill of what he's going through at the moment. I wish him well. I'm sure he'll be a success, he is such a creative and enthusiastic person, who can't help but encourage people. He deserves success for just being a thoroughly decent guy!
I may not be able to instill any belief in myself, but I hope I encourage and help people believe in themselves. My life has been a complete failure up till now, so I can't offer advise based on success. But equally, I think there is plenty of advice I can impart based on my failure. Do the opposite of me. Don't give up because you see someone better than you, are the most successful people necessarily the most talented? Sell yourself, don't be afraid to think big, hard though it may be, the people who have made it were once like you, they had no reputation, they had to build it, and that meant starting somewhere. Of course you will feel out of your depth at the beginning, it's natural to compare yourself to the people you want to be like. But success rarely falls in your lap. You have to ignore the doubts and push on. Success may never come, but that is definitely true if you never try in the first place.
Goodbye.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Billy no mates
Feeling shit tonight. People probably think I exaggerate when I say I don't have any real friends. But it's true. I don't have even one friend in real life, nobody I can hang out with or anything. I guess when you see online friends going out or talking to real life friends, just sometimes gets me down! Nobodies fault but my own though.
Gonna listen to Moby in bed now. Maybe I'll have a nice dreams where I am part of a friendship group like on Friends. I wanna have that sort of relationship with 5 people I hang out with all the time. That'd be sweet. Is it possible?
Gonna listen to Moby in bed now. Maybe I'll have a nice dreams where I am part of a friendship group like on Friends. I wanna have that sort of relationship with 5 people I hang out with all the time. That'd be sweet. Is it possible?
Skype follow up and Youtube
Bit of a shame the skype thing didn't take off. I know Peej did one but I don't think anybody else did, to the best of my knowledge they didn't anyway. Maybe people cba with making new skype lists. Maybe people can't bring themselves to be nice about twenty people they have on their skype contacts. Who knows? When PJ, did his list, he told each person who was who, that's fine. Personally I still enjoy the mystery and fun of guessing who might be who. In a game where comments are all positive, it's a much less depressing game to play also. But I decided to reveal who the twenty people are but not in order, so you can match who you think belongs to each
statement. Also, it's because I find it fun, so shut up.
John, Dale, Jimmy, Paul (Chen)
Hatti, Jemma, Barry, Dave,
Davey, Mhazz, Emily,
PJ, Amy, Orla,
Darren, Doug, Lex,
Chris, Pav, Seán.
I've been uploading some of my old videos to youtube over the last ten days. They've met with a luke warm response. On a quick head count, only five of the people in the list have commented any of them. I guess people are tired of youtube, or don't want to comment. That's fine. I guess I liked it back when people felt a small obligation to say something just on the basis of knowing the person who made the video. Equally I am a hypocrite because I don't comment a lot of videos either. Maybe it should be conceeded that youtube is dead to all smaller youtubers. In all honesty, I doubt anybody other than the much higher subbed people, get much from the site anymore. Youtube saw to killing of any sense of optimism and hope video makers once had, they broke the imaginary community quite a while ago. I think youtube will be fine, It'll just be a totally new and different site to what it was. In fact, I think it already is!
Night all.
statement. Also, it's because I find it fun, so shut up.
John, Dale, Jimmy, Paul (Chen)
Hatti, Jemma, Barry, Dave,
Davey, Mhazz, Emily,
PJ, Amy, Orla,
Darren, Doug, Lex,
Chris, Pav, Seán.
I've been uploading some of my old videos to youtube over the last ten days. They've met with a luke warm response. On a quick head count, only five of the people in the list have commented any of them. I guess people are tired of youtube, or don't want to comment. That's fine. I guess I liked it back when people felt a small obligation to say something just on the basis of knowing the person who made the video. Equally I am a hypocrite because I don't comment a lot of videos either. Maybe it should be conceeded that youtube is dead to all smaller youtubers. In all honesty, I doubt anybody other than the much higher subbed people, get much from the site anymore. Youtube saw to killing of any sense of optimism and hope video makers once had, they broke the imaginary community quite a while ago. I think youtube will be fine, It'll just be a totally new and different site to what it was. In fact, I think it already is!
Night all.
Monday, 21 September 2009
skype list 2.1
You remember that time everyone posted blogs about people on their skype list. I'm gonna do that, but the new twist is, I have to say something nice about everyone. The last lists everyone did were full of venom and were an excuse to be nasty on the sly. But lets face it, people didn't hide it that well.
Feel free to join in and post your own. Being nice is quite foreign to me so this shall be interesting.
1. You get a hard time from a lot of people, sometimes me included. But personally I've always had a soft spot for you. You know where you want to be and it's something I admire!
2. I like you, you needent try so hard with people. You can only be friends with people who want to be friends with you, and that's hard sometimes. But you have plenty of friends
3. You are the most genuine person in the youtube community!
4. There's nothing I could say that I haven't already said. You never make me doubt it! Thankyou so much.
5. I think we've distanced ourselves from eachother over recent weeks however now our real life distance is much nearer, maybe we should remember why we liked eachother in the first place. I think you are funny and pretty gorgeous too.
6. You sir, are one of the nicest fellows in the world ever, or so I hear. And I wouldn't doubt it. You are warm, and supportive and friendly to everybody. You'd make an excellent teacher and I'm sure you'll make an excellent coffee shop owner.
7. Certainly a best friend. You're a good buddy and sometimes we have punch-ups but you confide in me and I feel more than ever like we are close. I'm always happy to help with your creativity even when they get you prizes. I'm in it for you, nothing else and you know that.
8. We've had a funny journey, from the days of stickam unpopularity to the days of twitter unpopularity (I'm joking) remember, I was following you out the door in stickam, I was helping you look for a uni. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't like you. I like to bitch with you.
9.You are certainly one of my favourite people, you've recently shacked up with another one of my favourite people. We haven't so much as exchanged texts in months although I have tried. You are hilarious and that's why we get on, we're similar.
10. You are one handsome young man with cool hair that would look better shorter. I think you are great, losing your friendship is not something I'm looking forward to.
11. I don't know you too well, but what I like about you is that you seem to have a lot of fun and you make me smile. My friend knows you very well, but our casual and occasional hello's will do me for now. I've seen you in just a towel! teehee
12. Gutted you left Youtube, I have very few people who I actually enjoy watching on youtube and you were one of them. The birthday message was so thoughtful and you are just one sexy dude with a killer accent. Never let the bastards grind you down. It matters fuck all what some loser thinks. I'm a good judge of character. So you better realise how special you are.
13. Last time I forgot you and felt shit because I still consider you a close friend. You are nice to me and I find you genuinely hilarious. Missed you lately on skype.
14. You have always been the youtube pin up. Talented, good looking, funny. It's actually not fair, no wonder we don't talk anymore. You can do better than me.
15. I can confirm that you have very nice breasts. If you are half as nice as they are then I bet you are a pretty amazing person.
16.What can I say about you? I miss you. More than anyone at the moment because of your obscurity. I can't tell you enough how fantastic I think you are. I don't do it to make you feel included or boost your confidence. I do it because I believe it. You are very funny, you have a brilliant personality that hopefully everyone has had a chance to see. I have always just wanted you to want to talk with me. Never for a second think that people don't care. I do!
17. I doubt you even remember me anymore although last time we spoke you did say you always read my blog. I don't think I believe you but I hope it's true. We are old school, we met that one time, you are lovely, I wish we'd met more that just that once. I wish we were in contact at all.
18. Geez it's hard not to be negative here. We were really close, you were with a lot of people. Now you are not. One of the things that got me down most in the early days was what happened with us. People obviously like you, stop giving them things not to like. I still foolishly care.
19. We talked a fair bit six months ago. I enjoyed it, you were nice to talk to, circumstances maybe changed that but I still like you.
20. You are a wonderfully charismatic person, a true youtube celebrity and funny too, so I don't resent you. Well a bit.
Right. I'm only doing twenty cos that took forever. Twenty is a large number and I think I managed to stay positive and not give any backhanded compliments. One of the hardest parts of this skype blog is to try and focus on the good points and omit the things you don't like or the situations that have been negative.
I found it so difficult with certain people not to say things like 'I think you were wrong when you did this' or 'you haven't shown me the respect etc. etc.' It's surprisingly easy to feather your positive comments with negativity.
Having said that, I've finished and hopefully you will blog to. I want to see the things people like about each other. Don't ask why, maybe I'm high.
Dom x
Feel free to join in and post your own. Being nice is quite foreign to me so this shall be interesting.
1. You get a hard time from a lot of people, sometimes me included. But personally I've always had a soft spot for you. You know where you want to be and it's something I admire!
2. I like you, you needent try so hard with people. You can only be friends with people who want to be friends with you, and that's hard sometimes. But you have plenty of friends
3. You are the most genuine person in the youtube community!
4. There's nothing I could say that I haven't already said. You never make me doubt it! Thankyou so much.
5. I think we've distanced ourselves from eachother over recent weeks however now our real life distance is much nearer, maybe we should remember why we liked eachother in the first place. I think you are funny and pretty gorgeous too.
6. You sir, are one of the nicest fellows in the world ever, or so I hear. And I wouldn't doubt it. You are warm, and supportive and friendly to everybody. You'd make an excellent teacher and I'm sure you'll make an excellent coffee shop owner.
7. Certainly a best friend. You're a good buddy and sometimes we have punch-ups but you confide in me and I feel more than ever like we are close. I'm always happy to help with your creativity even when they get you prizes. I'm in it for you, nothing else and you know that.
8. We've had a funny journey, from the days of stickam unpopularity to the days of twitter unpopularity (I'm joking) remember, I was following you out the door in stickam, I was helping you look for a uni. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't like you. I like to bitch with you.
9.You are certainly one of my favourite people, you've recently shacked up with another one of my favourite people. We haven't so much as exchanged texts in months although I have tried. You are hilarious and that's why we get on, we're similar.
10. You are one handsome young man with cool hair that would look better shorter. I think you are great, losing your friendship is not something I'm looking forward to.
11. I don't know you too well, but what I like about you is that you seem to have a lot of fun and you make me smile. My friend knows you very well, but our casual and occasional hello's will do me for now. I've seen you in just a towel! teehee
12. Gutted you left Youtube, I have very few people who I actually enjoy watching on youtube and you were one of them. The birthday message was so thoughtful and you are just one sexy dude with a killer accent. Never let the bastards grind you down. It matters fuck all what some loser thinks. I'm a good judge of character. So you better realise how special you are.
13. Last time I forgot you and felt shit because I still consider you a close friend. You are nice to me and I find you genuinely hilarious. Missed you lately on skype.
14. You have always been the youtube pin up. Talented, good looking, funny. It's actually not fair, no wonder we don't talk anymore. You can do better than me.
15. I can confirm that you have very nice breasts. If you are half as nice as they are then I bet you are a pretty amazing person.
16.What can I say about you? I miss you. More than anyone at the moment because of your obscurity. I can't tell you enough how fantastic I think you are. I don't do it to make you feel included or boost your confidence. I do it because I believe it. You are very funny, you have a brilliant personality that hopefully everyone has had a chance to see. I have always just wanted you to want to talk with me. Never for a second think that people don't care. I do!
17. I doubt you even remember me anymore although last time we spoke you did say you always read my blog. I don't think I believe you but I hope it's true. We are old school, we met that one time, you are lovely, I wish we'd met more that just that once. I wish we were in contact at all.
18. Geez it's hard not to be negative here. We were really close, you were with a lot of people. Now you are not. One of the things that got me down most in the early days was what happened with us. People obviously like you, stop giving them things not to like. I still foolishly care.
19. We talked a fair bit six months ago. I enjoyed it, you were nice to talk to, circumstances maybe changed that but I still like you.
20. You are a wonderfully charismatic person, a true youtube celebrity and funny too, so I don't resent you. Well a bit.
Right. I'm only doing twenty cos that took forever. Twenty is a large number and I think I managed to stay positive and not give any backhanded compliments. One of the hardest parts of this skype blog is to try and focus on the good points and omit the things you don't like or the situations that have been negative.
I found it so difficult with certain people not to say things like 'I think you were wrong when you did this' or 'you haven't shown me the respect etc. etc.' It's surprisingly easy to feather your positive comments with negativity.
Having said that, I've finished and hopefully you will blog to. I want to see the things people like about each other. Don't ask why, maybe I'm high.
Dom x
Thursday, 17 September 2009
A speaker fell on my foot
It hurt very badly.
I haven't blogged for ages. I can't think of anything really to blog about now, I just felt I should and I wanted to.
I guess I feel quite contented at the moment, not massively happy or unhappy. As are well documented in previous blog entries, I have had issues with friends quite a lot, to some extent that has dissipated, certainly the feeling isn't so intense. A lot of that feeling was paranoia. Unfortunately these incidents are not without damage, to use some sort of analogy, I would compare it to breaking a bone in your leg, it heals, perhaps stronger than before allowing you to do everything you could do before, however in your mind, you worry it could snap again and always feel you have to hold back.
Certain friendships are repaired but don't feel natural anymore. I wonder if maybe that will just take time. I think when contact is no longer regular, you can't feel the relationship is as strong. Particularly online, days without contact can lead to questions being asked. But moving on from this, I'm not upset about anything, just, I say blog and my mind turns to this, there's no real issues bothering me at the moment. I'm just choosing to let people come to me now if they still want to. Hopefully the ones I want to will.
I guess the changing weather may be the reason for my illness this week. Do you know, at no point did I believe it was swine flu. I don't think I'm cool enough to get that disease. But it is depressing to think that summer has gone now and within the next month to six weeks, it'll be freezing cold, dark all the bloody time and everyone will be even more miserable than they already are. I'm not anti winter, it just drags on for far too long. I don't mind the cold weather, it's more the lack of light that gets me down. The greatest part of spring/summer is the light evenings sometimes as late as 10pm. It makes the whole place seem a much warmer, friendlier place to be.
blog done
SIX PEE!
I haven't blogged for ages. I can't think of anything really to blog about now, I just felt I should and I wanted to.
I guess I feel quite contented at the moment, not massively happy or unhappy. As are well documented in previous blog entries, I have had issues with friends quite a lot, to some extent that has dissipated, certainly the feeling isn't so intense. A lot of that feeling was paranoia. Unfortunately these incidents are not without damage, to use some sort of analogy, I would compare it to breaking a bone in your leg, it heals, perhaps stronger than before allowing you to do everything you could do before, however in your mind, you worry it could snap again and always feel you have to hold back.
Certain friendships are repaired but don't feel natural anymore. I wonder if maybe that will just take time. I think when contact is no longer regular, you can't feel the relationship is as strong. Particularly online, days without contact can lead to questions being asked. But moving on from this, I'm not upset about anything, just, I say blog and my mind turns to this, there's no real issues bothering me at the moment. I'm just choosing to let people come to me now if they still want to. Hopefully the ones I want to will.
I guess the changing weather may be the reason for my illness this week. Do you know, at no point did I believe it was swine flu. I don't think I'm cool enough to get that disease. But it is depressing to think that summer has gone now and within the next month to six weeks, it'll be freezing cold, dark all the bloody time and everyone will be even more miserable than they already are. I'm not anti winter, it just drags on for far too long. I don't mind the cold weather, it's more the lack of light that gets me down. The greatest part of spring/summer is the light evenings sometimes as late as 10pm. It makes the whole place seem a much warmer, friendlier place to be.
blog done
SIX PEE!
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