100th

For my 100th blog (I'm including the vlog) I thought I'd post something deep and meaningful. So, here are a list of women I would do:

Keira Knightly
Keeley Hawes
Julia Roberts
Cheryl Cole
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Holly Valance
Natalie Imbruglia
Sienna Miller
Alesha Dixon
Emilia Fox
Isha Sesay
Helena Bonham Carter
Kristin Scott Thomas
Hannah Spearritt
Sheree Murphy
Teri Hatcher
Sophie Ellis Bextor
Vicki Butler Henderson
Avril Lavigne
Reese Witherspoon
Michelle Pfeiffer
Beyonce Knowles

Getting majorly hooked on Amanda from Ugly Betty also. Dunno why, maybe cos she's a whore?

Confused

Staying on the topic of what is appropriate for a blog. I am thinking and feeling things now that I want to write down and now I have conflicting thoughts because of the past criticisms. It's a dilemma, and here's why...

There are feelings of negativity I have about things at the moment and my first thought is to explain them in a blog, even though they are because of a certain person. The critics tell me I shouldn't do this and should just say it to them. However, I just feel that sometimes the moment doesn't feel right to bring up certain things in conversation, whether it be in text or in spoken form. When you know somebodies mind is wrapped up in something else, isn't it selfish to approach them with issues you have. Wont it seem insensitive to say how your feeling, like it's only important if it's you?

I also think that in simple terms, the things I am aggrieved about will seem trivial and silly and I don't think they'll easily be explained and sometimes I feel I can at least have a fair crack at trying to properly convey in detailed terms what is bothering me and I guess I feel like if they read it on the blog then they'll have some idea as to my frame of mind for when we do speak.

Sometimes saying things to people is embarrassing and make issues seem bigger than they are and I feel a lot of the time as though I can rationalise it in a blog.

It's difficult, this thing although specific to one person, is actually part of a wider issue I have with a number of friends and so I then think, would it not be better saying it in a blog form so that people know, rather than individually going round and saying 'look here...'

It's fundamentally an issue about affection. I may delve deeper when I figure out how I should go about saying it. Do I say it to them or it the blog, I actually don't know.

Exam results and blog etiquette

I think I'm gonna stick to normal blogging from now on. I don't think people were really in to the vlog. I expected some comments with people saying what they thought of it. I think people would have said something if they thought the vlog was a good idea. But anyways, I wanted to try it, and it was a nice day. Was probably a bit too long, however I had plenty to say seeing as I haven't made videos in yonks.

Congratulations to everybody who got the grades they needed in their A levels. A lot of girls out there were saying they would fail and went on to get A's, seems a bit much, people usually get their predicted grades or better, sometimes I don't think they even mark them. I personally still feel exams are a bad judge of people's abilities! However I guess until there is a better way of doing it, they're sticking around. I hope those of you who didn't get the grades you hoped for are looking at your options and not just thinking everything is lost. I remember last summer looking for universities for Jemma, (Happy birthday x) because she didn't get what she needed for Glasgow, but in the end she got in there anyways. I think she had to do a different course last year and move on to the one she wanted but either way, it wasn't the end of the world.

So many people have obvious talent that isn't reflected in exam grades, I think exams are basically about memory and not knowledge. Still, having said that, I'm not trying to dampen down any achievements that people have gotten. Well done.

I have been criticized by some for the content of my blogs, some feel my blogs reveal too much, so this one I am not going to say very much about anything that I feel. I wonder what people think, should blogs be a place where you vent your emotions and get things off your chest or should they be casual and about nothing in particular? I do try as best I can not to reveal the people I am aiming things at, I guess certain people see it as obvious because they know me and talk to me about things that bother me, and so to them, what I write is quite transparent. Maybe I'm just not that good at being cryptic in blogs, but I guess I feel I need to make it obvious enough so the people I want to talk to, know it's to them. There is an argument that says it should be done to the people in private, but I guess that isn't always possible for a number of reasons.

Genuinely though, I'd be interested to know what people feel about what is appropriate for a blog, should it be emotional and personal? Should it be about the lighter and inconsequential things in life. What do you enjoy reading most in people's blogs?

Vlog 1.0

Yeah Right!

Bullshit!

Photos

It's 6:54am and I'm still wide awake, due mainly because I keep falling asleep around 7-10pm every night. I saw Jade tweet about this Jessops photo book last night that is apparently free, so I went off to do it, was a mega hassle, took about an hour and a half formatting what I wanted, then I realised I'd selected the wrong thing and it was £35 what I had put together. I thought it should be easy enough to just set it to a smaller cheaper version. I was wrong, I had to go and create the thing all over again. This time round I saw that the cheap version didn't look all that great and by this point I had actually quite liked the idea of having a photobook of the Isle of Wight photos. So I chose one that said £10 and went about putting it together again.

I was pretty happy with how it looked once completed and upon adding it to my basket, it said it would cost £19 plus £3 p&p. I had spent so long putting the thing together that I just decided to buy it. I was disappointed though at the high price because initially I was thinking that at £10, I could maybe buy four and send one to the other guys, I just thought it'd be a really nice memento, but at £20 each, was just too expensive, maybe I'll think about it in the future depending on how my copy turns out. But from going to jessops to get a free booklet, I ended up £22 out of pocket. No such thing as a free meal so they say.

Further to my birthday post, I'd like to say that I am aware that you were also part of the gift committee Miss Tsontilis and I am very grateful. I read your blog and I hope you are feeling okay, I'm sorry I ignored your texts the other night, I was not responding to anybody. I just wanted a break, but I do actually love you, I think you know that!

Got Magix movie edit pro 15 yesterday. I've not played with it too much yet however early signs are very encouraging, it looks like a really good piece of software, infinitely better that the cheap sony vegas I got. So maybe I can look at getting a little video of the Isle of Wight holiday together soon and I'll post it on the blog.

4th August

So, today was my birthday. It was bareable. I want to say sorry to everyone who has tried to contact me for not responding, just need some time. I am reading them and thanks so much to all the people who have wished me a happy birthday or in some cases done more. I think the vast majority of my friends wished me a happy birthday, be it by text message, twitter or email. A couple didn't, there was certainly one notable exception. Enough people tweeted it so that person evidentally made the decision not to. Everytime my phone has beeped, I hoped it was from you but unfortunately not.


But despite that disappointment, those of you who did just take a minute to say something or do something for me. I really do appreciate it, just to know you cared enough to do something was a really nice feeling.

John and Jemma bought me a present, or rather a couple of presents. I think it was them anyway because there was no note, but I assume it was from them as half of the gift was from Ann Summers and they were tweeting about Ann Summers a few days ago when Emily was about. Firstly I saw a rather brilliant dvd of series 2 of Alan Partridge and I thought, What a lovely gift, how could this be beaten? Then I saw a pink paper bag which housed two further gifts, one a flashing pink thingamy that you shove on your head, like devil horns except these were flashing penises. It was a lovely thought. But on top of that, I was given a thong that made your penis in to a snake, in case your wondering, I did try it on, and I'm sorry for putting that image into everybodies brains.

I also got a couple of online messages that were so nice and made me happy. I hope you don't mind me showing the world.


Darren sent me this:
Seánie sent me a little audio message:





And finally, I got a Happy Birthday message from a user on youtube by the name of Ronc303c
Thanks stranger, I guess I didn't expect anyone other than my friends to put themselves out and some didn't, so was a really nice gesture!

Death and all his friends

"and... in the end, we lie awake, and we dream of making our escape."

Balance

I think it's balance that's missing, people are negligent because they never seem to try to balance. We all understand that things need juggling but they can be juggled effectively if the balance is right. It's quite baffling how many people can't balance!

Thinking at 3am on a Saturday morning

I have a small circle of friends online, an even smaller circle of friends I talk to on a very regular basis, probably only four. I like the closeness this brings between friendships. However, sometimes people are away for extended periods of time or for some reason don't appear to want to talk to you even when it's the early hours of the morning and you think the alternative must be talking to nobody. It's at these times I wish I had a wider circle of friends I could talk to, it's easy to feel alone and when you are used to just always talking to certain people, when that stops, you feel a little bit lost. Dale is special to me, out of anyone I've ever known, he is the one person I know will always want to talk to me, who never seems to get bored of me and if he's about, I know I have someone who'll never blank me. It's such a comfort to feel that confident about a friendship.

Other friends don't really instill the same confidence. Perhaps Dale and I are just more alike than anybody else I know. I think I know deep down that my other friends like me and want to talk to me, perhaps not so frequently, but I have doubts sometimes, maybe that's just me being paranoid. The problem is, in this online bubble that we are all in, we all spend way too much time on computers, the time slowly passes and the routine is to talk to certain people. Because the day passes slowly, if somebody stops talking to you, sometimes only for one or two days, it can just suddenly feel like they don't want to know any longer. It's a world that didn't exist before broadband, I think people maybe had more perspective when thinking about their friendships, however this instant access, this constant contact locks us in and I certainly lose touch with reality. Is the reality after a couple of days that your friend no longer wants to be your friend? Probably not but I think because of the bubble, it feels like it and I'm not sure that's a mind set I can get out of. Sometimes I think just showing you want to talk to someone is enough to keep people happy. Do you ever stop and think sometimes that it's always me who initiates contact with somebody, who always says 'hello' first? Do you ever wonder sometimes if you stopped initiating contact, would your friend bother to keep contact with you? Is the fear that they wouldn't keep contact the primary reason you always say hello first?

I love speaking to the people I speak to on a regular basis, even when you sit on skype in virtual silence, nobody really having anything to say but still wanting to be around you. It's that feeling of friendship that I love about skype. It's also that feeling that makes me wish we didn't live so far apart. I also wish that I spoke to some friends on a much more regular basis than I currently do, I probably only talk to Ginger Chris on skype every six to eight weeks. I always enjoy talking to him, I think he might be my hero. Darren also is another who I wish would come and talk to me. I was so happy he came to the Isle of Wight. I thought he may be about a bit more afterwards to keep a closer bond, so far he's stayed hidden, only surfacing on twitter once and a while to call Beth a twat, or to say something equally as hilarious and something that makes me want to talk to him more.

I have my friend who never makes me doubt: Dale, I have my friends that make me paranoid: Pav, PJ. I have my friends I don't always talk to enough: Chris, John, Darren, Emily. I also have friends that I don't really know where I stand, probably that's you. I think all my friends are wonderful, perfect people who will probably move on an forget me over the next few years. It's happened to me a lot. I can't say it's a feeling that is anything but devastating, I also think it's something you can never prepare yourself for. I often wonder, on those occasions when you run in to an ex best friend, how time can make you strangers. How someone you talked to with such ease can turn into somebody you feel awkward talking to. It's just a horrible part of life. It's probably the reason I try so hard to cling on as best I can to the friendships I have.