My blog, my jumbled mind and music

I see it's been ten days since I last wrote a blog entry, it feels like a lot longer.

I'm never really sure who I write these blog entries for, the people reading it, friends who I want to send messages to or myself. Sometimes it feels rather pointless writing entries. I think only eight people read this according to google reader. Not that I expect hundreds like Dave, Alex and Liam, however as each new blog starts up and sharply overtakes mine in subscribers, I think to myself, 'hey wait a minute, I know more than eight people don't I? Then reality hits in and I realise that most of those people don't really care enough about me to care what I do or think.

I just checked my google reader and I read about twenty people's blogs, I guess I'm not best friends with a lot of them but I'm interested enough in them to read a semi regular blog. When I see it like that, the fact that close to twenty people don't read my blogs is a little disheartening. I think also, because unlike youtube videos, people rarely comment on blogs, it's easy to feel ignored, and strangely enough, I think people commenting on blogs can be more important as it would be a response to people's true feelings, things that matter. It is very easy to comment on youtube videos, they are pretty meaningless.

I can't particularly remember why I started this entry, I think I'm just a bit jealous and paranoid at the moment, It happens to me far to much over the most insignificant and stupid things. Like the new day long sensation buytter. I wanted to by my friends, but when those friends don't want to buy me, I then question why not? What are the thoughts behind their reasoning? It's stupid, I know it doesn't mean anything however it'll probably be in my mind for a few days before it passes. It can be exhausting being this fucked up sometimes. There is another couple of incidents from today that have left me feeling down but they are even more petty and I'd rather not embarrass myself anymore by going in to them. Also the people involved shouldn't be made to feel as though they've upset me.

In other news, I'm going to stay on in the charity shop for the foreseeable future. Although strictly speaking, I have filled my requirement at the shop. I feel it's good for me as it's hopefully a step towards ultimately finding some path in life I'd like to move towards. I'm also at the college trying to make my new CV a more appealing read. In doing these things, it's given me a freedom that I haven't had for a good four years. To just go out in public and not feel ashamed to show my face to people. It's nice to feel proud of yourself once in a while.

Tonight is the first evening for many months that I have spent just sat listening to hours of music. It's so easy to become stuck in a rut of going on skype and talking for hours until bed. I have wasted so many hours on skype sitting in boredom and I have neglected music. Before I had any online friends, I spend my days and nights just listening to music. Of course it's nice to not be alone anymore like I was however I think I need to find a balance.

I think at the moment, I'm craving the feeling of being loved. I've never had it, I've never known what it feels like. I'd imagine it must be nice to be loved by somebody who doesn't have to.

I'm late

Haven't written a blog in a while so I thought I'd write a quick one before "work" mainly because I don't wanna go and this is a suitable way of procrastinating and being late. As I see it, it's voluntary and shite so they can get what their given.

I have felt so much closer to people just lately, no sudden mood swings. It's all good, tend to be talking to some of my favourite people on a regular basis now so the time which I have to convince myself that people dislike me or other such thoughts are limited. There are a few select people who I think are the best people in the world and I want to be able to hang out with them more often. Hopefully there'll be chances to do that in the near future. As great as it is talking to people on a daily basis on skype, nothing compares to physically being with people.

I think just recently I've been able to cement my thoughts and feelings towards certain people, not just in terms of who I consider to be my very best friends but also the people I'm not so fond of. Some of these relationships were strained anyway, however recent events suggest to me that they probably would prefer it if I were not a part of things which I accept.

I can't think off hand about too much else and I should be at work like now, but fuck it 20-30 minutes late, gonna either get a day taken off or shorten the days by an hour, probably get Monday off, I'm pretty much dipping my toe in at the moment for CV experience but in all reality it's no fun.

I suppose I'd better start getting ready.

bye

One way friendships

I often find myself if friendships that I consider to be far too one sided to be viable. There is only so long that one person can hold up the friendship. I feel like I've experienced almost entirely one way friendships, some more one sided that others and to an extent I believe it'll probably always be the case because I like intense close friendships where we regularly talk about anything and everything no matter how big or small. Having said that after a while, when I sit down and think, I start to realise that unless I initiate contact with them, they will not come to me and so I have no question whether I want to continue down that road or just let it fizzle out.

I don't have too many friends and obviously there is a reason why they don't want to stay in contact but I don't really know why. It's more intense online because with MSN, Skype, twitter etc, you really notice when people aren't talking to you far quicker than you would in real life and in reality I am not a paranoid person in real life friendships, but with distance involved and the all the ways people can contact me online, it does constantly play with my mind.

I worry at the moment about my sanity. I am pushing people away, I am jeopardising friendships. one minute I feel ok and a day or so later I am riddled with doubt about how people feel. It's actually hurting my brain. It's 5:07 now and it's just constant questioning, I feel I am on one hand being over sensitive and unreasonable but on the other hand justified in why I am upset. It's not fair that friendships should rely on one person making the contact because when people come to you, it's a boost, you realise they come to you regularly because they like you, they want to talk to you and want to be your friend, without that, you just feel like a someone who passes the time when people are bored.

I'm quite mixed up and confused. I think I've identified a handful of people who I can genuinely call my friend but even among those, I don't know whether it's mutual.

On a separate note, Youtube. I really don't know where to go, I've lost any will to watch videos let alone make them. I don't feel like there's anything that actually makes my channel worth watching, the videos are occasional and thin on content and because of that. I just don't feel in any hurry to do another video. I dunno how long that'll last.

Just as well Spring is here because that is solely the thing lifting my mood at the moment.