Money and friends

I'm finding distance so incredibly difficult to deal with at the moment. I feel so alone because I don't have anybody to actually hang out with. All, my friends live halfway or more up the Country and it's just impossible to spend time together. It's very hard to cope with, I need to win the lottery. I know everyone would love to and they say money can't bring you happiness however it does open opportunities and make it so much easier to live life the way you want to. It'll never happen of course. Just to have unlimited funds to be with friends, have somewhere to be, things to do. It must be such an incredible feeling to have the cash to do whatever you want. Yeah ok there are probably downsides but I'm sure I could live with them.

There's been a few new skype lists appearing in blogs lately, not so good for people like me, can't help but think I've appeared in at least one and it's not been incredibly positive. I'm going to refrain from doing another full list because It just seems like a way of being harsh to people, so what I will do is say a few things to a few people, none of it negative. This is to my true friends, the people who I know have time for me.

*We talked a week or so back, it was the best talk I've had with you since the old days of stickam. I enjoyed it very much because sometimes I don't feel close enough to you. It seems like we drift apart at times and I would like to make our friendship closer. I can't be the only one to make the extra effort, I guess it's whether you want to.

*Sometimes I'm a complete prick to you. My paranoia and vulnerability often make me question what you think about me, not whether you like me, just whether it's a friendship more special than your average friendship you have with many others. I just need more sometimes.

*Have a great day today. I think you are fantastic and felt so privileged that you came to me recently when you had tough times, It really helped me to appreciate your friendship, sometimes when people chose to confide in me, it just allows me to understand the depth of our friendship. You've been through the wars and I was happy to try and keep you amused with texts.

*We've always talked and it's always felt natural and you more than anyone are the one person I never doubt. I know you want to talk to me, I know how you feel about our friendship and I'm so glad to have you as a friend. I'm happy to be there for you to confide in and I'll always be there for as long as you want me. I just wish the distance wasn't so huge.

*We haven't spoken for a while. Don't ever think it's because I don't value you. I guess with my moods changing all over the place, I've not spent an awful lot of time talking to people. But you know I have a lot of time for you. I also have a great birthday present for you.

*My two Scottish friends need to help us more, there's no project without you guys. I don't feel as close to either of you as I did 12-15 months ago. That shouldn't be the case, talk to me, I wanted you both because I think you're great, a text here and there wouldn't go a miss.

I guess to almost everybody else who would consider themselves my friend. A text just to say hello can often mean a lot every now and then. People drift into their pocket groups and although there is a large group, it still feels like it's made up of smaller tighter friendship groups and that's fine, it's expected, but it could so easily pull the larger group apart if people aren't careful of how closed it can seem to others, maybe we should all make more of an effort to spend extra time talking to those we have neglected.

Right bed.

:S

I don't know what to do with myself. Kinda fed up of feeling unhappy or bored or both. Sometimes talking to people makes things worse. I don't know why, maybe I'm so paranoid, I always believe there to be something sinister behind why someone isn't talking to me or why conversation seems more difficult. Don't really know what to say. Things are happening in real life that scares me but ultimately should make things better, maybe in the long run they will but I just feel at a dead end, wanna start a new life somewhere else. Well then, think I'll go and think.

I don't know why the photo's, just cos I'm bored, they look nice and such. Hollyoaks is on now, time to take measures to ensure I don't see it.

Productivity

Well I thought I'd write a blog because I feel very down and don't particularly know why. I guess this is what blogs a for. I've just realised that I have nothing to write about, I don't know why I'm unhappy and so I can't write about that, I don't recall anything interesting happening recently and so I cant talk about that. I guess I have things going on in real life that scares me, but I can't say I particularly like divulging my real life (what little there is of it) on the Internet.

I just finished listening to GC on Strathclyde Fusion and it just reignited my interest in either making a podcast or preferably something larger, like an online radio station. I'm sure it'll just be another idea that falls by the wayside, I don't think I have the drive to make anything I would enjoy actually happen. Love Alex Day or hate him, you have to admire his drive to not let his ideas pass him by. I wish I were more like him in that respect.

Don't you just sometimes feel like you are totally and utterly wasting your life? These ideas I have are obtainable and would occupy my brain and make me a far happier I'm sure, but instead, I do nothing about them and sit around being bored, why do we pick boredom over productivity?

Drama

I happened upon a blog yesterday full of fifteen days worth of conversations between a group of people, I had heard that it had gotten a bit bitchy and so the natural thing to do is obviously tweet it. To some extent I feel sympathetic towards those who were part of this chat because people should probably start to realise that EVERYBODY BITCHES!

Unfortunately for those involved, they had somebody in the chat who was untrustworthy and that's probably an area where they were naive. If you are gonna have a bitch, it has to be with people you trust and lets face it, everything bitchy you say if documented will look and make you sound awful. I personally don't really judge these people too harshly because I am guilty of exactly the same behaviour and I think anybody who can say they don't bitch about people is either a saint or completely delusional.

When things happen in the "community", people will usually have an opinion on it and often they wont know the full facts, but does that stop people from discussing it? No. Would you voice these opinions to those involved? No. Why? Because often bitching is just a form or grieving annoyances that aren't nearly important enough to cause trouble over, and yes when it is written down and you read it is about you, I can understand that it would hurt and I can understand you would feel betrayed by those people involved, but I think you should understand that none of it matters. I can't properly articulate what I'm trying to say but I think the gist of it is there.

I feel slightly guilty because none of the bitching was about me and so really I had no bone to pick with them however when you hear of a 15 day bitchfest, you just have to sit back and watch it unfold like an episode of eastenders. I am sure people do bitch about me and I'm sure people who I like and trust do however that's life, everyday, those people closest to you do things that grate on you and it's pretty insignificant, not enough to make it worthwhile causing friction in the friendship, and so you get it off your chest by airing it elsewhere and it feels better.

I suspect many people call me a fat prick or a whore behind my back and so what, I am fat and people will naturally be aggravated when I get some subscribers from other people, does it matter enough to say to me, not really, it's YouTube and these sagas are like a bad celebrity magazines.

I think everybody is sorry, the people involved in the chat are sorry because you don't expect these things to get out and in written form, the things said seem overly harsh. The people who have had things said about them are sorry because they don't know whether these people are their friends, I hope that they can see past it and just realise that it goes on all the time and many other people have probably said the same things and is it their business? NO, but when it's common knowledge, people will always talk especially people who spend so much of their lives on the Internet and in particular skype. I have bitched before I am certain and do I dislike people I've bitched about? Nope.

Ginger Chris said to me yesterday "People just need to accept that it happens all the time", he later went on to say "I'd be offended if I wasn't important enough to be bitched about"

So now we know, if you're gonna bitch, make sure everyone involved is trustworthy or just don't bitch at all, but that would be no fun!

Sometimes

Sometimes people are overly blunt, they talk at you like you are a child they are telling off or a younger kid at school that they are trying to intimidate, sometimes they say things that probably they needent say because it only goes to weaken a friendship that has always been fragile.

Sometimes people talk to you as though nothing is wrong, they play along with jokes, they seems fine, then they go telling people that you make them feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes people say things they dont mean to avoid talking about the things they really feel. Sometimes people need to know where they stand.

Sometimes, life is very hard to deal with.

I haaad a dream

Dom says:
drempt about you last night

Dale says:
nice

Dale says:
i dont usually dream much, but recently alot of dream involving jade, which i suppose can only be a good thing

Dom says:
you had gone missing and for some reason you didn't want to know me anymore :( so we finally ended up at a party together and you were getting off with jade, then you turned the other way and started getting off with who i thought was sinead but then i saw had a penis and it turned out to be dave blue in a wig and i was upset because you were getting off with dave instead of me.

Dale says:
LOL