Universities, success and failure.

I am envious of so many people at the moment. Watching from afar as many embark on a new chapter of their lives at universities around the country. I just wish I could turn back the clock eight years and start over.

Tom, Doug, Emily, Jade and everybody else are totally different to how I was at 18 and totally different to how I am now. They were already pretty social, went to parties, clubs, seemed to enjoy meeting new people. I don't doubt that they all had nerves about uprooting to a new part of the country, leaving their friends and families behind, taking on enormous and daunting debts, but early indications seem to indicate that they are happy with their decisions and I think they'll have a great time over the next few years. The experience of freedom, living alone and fending for yourself to an extent is a valuable experience that will no doubt prepare them for life ahead of university. I wish I'd had the guts to go myself.

When I was 21, I got in to Chichester University on the course 'Media Studies and Media Production'. It was a move I felt at the time, could break the cycle of fear and anxiety that was making me reclusive. I felt sure it would give me the kick I needed to start living life properly. However, after I was accepted, the follow up letters regarding applying for halls and such kept arriving and made things all too real, I put them off, I tried not to think about it, but in the end, I had to. I was adamant that if I could get just one friend to go to the same uni as me, then I could do it. I felt so strongly that I needed a familiar face to get me through the first couple of months being alone in a new environment. Funny enough, I think I would have a much better chance of knowing people at uni nowdays having met so many people through stickam and youtube, unfortunately it's come about five years too late. Anyway, I never found anyone to go with me to university in the end and so I never went. I deferred for a year to see if I were anymore able the next year, but if anything, I had become more phobic than ever. Not going to university is my biggest regret. I think it's a life experience that is once in a lifetime and I think everybody should experience it. Your time might be good, bad or indifferent, but I think you'll learn a lot!

I'm aware that it's still possible for somebody my age to go to university, however I think it's too late. I don't think it'll help me in the same way and I don't think I'll feel like I belong.

The other person I am envious towards at the moment is Chen. I have an inkling as to what I think he may be up to at the moment however I admire his balls and drive to get off his arse and make it happen. It sounds like an incredible journey and I dearly wish I was on a similar one. I guess, like with going to uni, I feel to achieve something, I would need a collaborator. Somebody to share the dream and the vision. Unfortunately I don't have anybody who lives remotely close. One day, I'd love to experience the thrill of what he's going through at the moment. I wish him well. I'm sure he'll be a success, he is such a creative and enthusiastic person, who can't help but encourage people. He deserves success for just being a thoroughly decent guy!

I may not be able to instill any belief in myself, but I hope I encourage and help people believe in themselves. My life has been a complete failure up till now, so I can't offer advise based on success. But equally, I think there is plenty of advice I can impart based on my failure. Do the opposite of me. Don't give up because you see someone better than you, are the most successful people necessarily the most talented? Sell yourself, don't be afraid to think big, hard though it may be, the people who have made it were once like you, they had no reputation, they had to build it, and that meant starting somewhere. Of course you will feel out of your depth at the beginning, it's natural to compare yourself to the people you want to be like. But success rarely falls in your lap. You have to ignore the doubts and push on. Success may never come, but that is definitely true if you never try in the first place.

Goodbye.