One way friendships

I often find myself if friendships that I consider to be far too one sided to be viable. There is only so long that one person can hold up the friendship. I feel like I've experienced almost entirely one way friendships, some more one sided that others and to an extent I believe it'll probably always be the case because I like intense close friendships where we regularly talk about anything and everything no matter how big or small. Having said that after a while, when I sit down and think, I start to realise that unless I initiate contact with them, they will not come to me and so I have no question whether I want to continue down that road or just let it fizzle out.

I don't have too many friends and obviously there is a reason why they don't want to stay in contact but I don't really know why. It's more intense online because with MSN, Skype, twitter etc, you really notice when people aren't talking to you far quicker than you would in real life and in reality I am not a paranoid person in real life friendships, but with distance involved and the all the ways people can contact me online, it does constantly play with my mind.

I worry at the moment about my sanity. I am pushing people away, I am jeopardising friendships. one minute I feel ok and a day or so later I am riddled with doubt about how people feel. It's actually hurting my brain. It's 5:07 now and it's just constant questioning, I feel I am on one hand being over sensitive and unreasonable but on the other hand justified in why I am upset. It's not fair that friendships should rely on one person making the contact because when people come to you, it's a boost, you realise they come to you regularly because they like you, they want to talk to you and want to be your friend, without that, you just feel like a someone who passes the time when people are bored.

I'm quite mixed up and confused. I think I've identified a handful of people who I can genuinely call my friend but even among those, I don't know whether it's mutual.

On a separate note, Youtube. I really don't know where to go, I've lost any will to watch videos let alone make them. I don't feel like there's anything that actually makes my channel worth watching, the videos are occasional and thin on content and because of that. I just don't feel in any hurry to do another video. I dunno how long that'll last.

Just as well Spring is here because that is solely the thing lifting my mood at the moment.