My blog, my jumbled mind and music

I see it's been ten days since I last wrote a blog entry, it feels like a lot longer.

I'm never really sure who I write these blog entries for, the people reading it, friends who I want to send messages to or myself. Sometimes it feels rather pointless writing entries. I think only eight people read this according to google reader. Not that I expect hundreds like Dave, Alex and Liam, however as each new blog starts up and sharply overtakes mine in subscribers, I think to myself, 'hey wait a minute, I know more than eight people don't I? Then reality hits in and I realise that most of those people don't really care enough about me to care what I do or think.

I just checked my google reader and I read about twenty people's blogs, I guess I'm not best friends with a lot of them but I'm interested enough in them to read a semi regular blog. When I see it like that, the fact that close to twenty people don't read my blogs is a little disheartening. I think also, because unlike youtube videos, people rarely comment on blogs, it's easy to feel ignored, and strangely enough, I think people commenting on blogs can be more important as it would be a response to people's true feelings, things that matter. It is very easy to comment on youtube videos, they are pretty meaningless.

I can't particularly remember why I started this entry, I think I'm just a bit jealous and paranoid at the moment, It happens to me far to much over the most insignificant and stupid things. Like the new day long sensation buytter. I wanted to by my friends, but when those friends don't want to buy me, I then question why not? What are the thoughts behind their reasoning? It's stupid, I know it doesn't mean anything however it'll probably be in my mind for a few days before it passes. It can be exhausting being this fucked up sometimes. There is another couple of incidents from today that have left me feeling down but they are even more petty and I'd rather not embarrass myself anymore by going in to them. Also the people involved shouldn't be made to feel as though they've upset me.

In other news, I'm going to stay on in the charity shop for the foreseeable future. Although strictly speaking, I have filled my requirement at the shop. I feel it's good for me as it's hopefully a step towards ultimately finding some path in life I'd like to move towards. I'm also at the college trying to make my new CV a more appealing read. In doing these things, it's given me a freedom that I haven't had for a good four years. To just go out in public and not feel ashamed to show my face to people. It's nice to feel proud of yourself once in a while.

Tonight is the first evening for many months that I have spent just sat listening to hours of music. It's so easy to become stuck in a rut of going on skype and talking for hours until bed. I have wasted so many hours on skype sitting in boredom and I have neglected music. Before I had any online friends, I spend my days and nights just listening to music. Of course it's nice to not be alone anymore like I was however I think I need to find a balance.

I think at the moment, I'm craving the feeling of being loved. I've never had it, I've never known what it feels like. I'd imagine it must be nice to be loved by somebody who doesn't have to.