Further more

I am pretty bored and low at the moment and probably paranoid and melodramatic too so these posts I am writing with stay unpublished until I start to feel differently by which time I shall unleash a barrage of blogs in an Alex Day style. I feel like I want to make the accusations that I'm believing to be true in my head but I should imagine that people will say I'm acting stupid whether I'm right or wrong so I guess I'll continue to be cryptic but I would liken the event in my last post to those occasions when you get stuck talking to somebody in the street and you make an excuse just to be able to leave, other people are more exciting to talk to than I am but I guess at a time when somebody is feeling alienated you should make an extra effort to show them they matter. Or maybe it wasn't an excuse and I am paranoid, I certainly wouldn't rule that out but when people stop talking to you, your mind cooks up theories or mine does anyway.

The past year has been unique for me in several ways. Firstly I've made friends on the internet, I never used to think of that being possible or even something I'd want to do. I know that people including myself used to think online friendships and relationships were stupid and the people involved were pretty sad. I still subscribe to the theory that online relationships are untenable and slightly sad, not an initial contact but the belief that the relationship is worthwhile when you live nowhere near each other and never see each other, I think it's an easy option for people who spend too much time on the internet and wont go out and meet real people. While that is partly true for online friendships, I think the reasonably new world of online interaction has made friendships strong, you speak often, you know what people look like, where they live, what they do. In every way it's like a normal friendship except you don't get the vital aspect of friendship and that is human contact. As fantastic as it can be to talk to some people online, nothing compares to being in the same place hanging out, just to be in the company of somebody you care about means so much and you can't get it online. "so come meet people" they say with absolutely zero understanding of me and why I've gotten to where I am in my life, It's as easy as that for you but not me, so being on the edge of friendships watching from the outside as people meet and become closer isn't easy because I know that while other bonds are strengthening, I feel lost, I guess that's nobodies fault but mine however people need to understand also that it's not a situation I like and enjoy and If I could be an outward, easy going traveller then for sure I'd chose that but I'm 25 and for the past six years I've not just been the opposite to that, but to extremes, I spent a three month period in 2007 when I couldn't go in my back garden and so to think that I can just do what you do is not possible for me, So it's not always me who wants to be left out, it's just who I am.

At this point in time, I'd rather just be on my own without the friendships that are constantly making me question peoples opinions of me, oh yes I'm sure it's nice to feel secure about friendships but unfortunately I never have felt very secure because I don't have any friends and so maybe it's understandable that I'm always expecting my friends to get bored of me and cast me aside or just forget about me, because that's happened in every friendship I've ever had.