Trying not to care

As almost none of you will know, I have fairly recently returned to making regular videos on Youtube. I can't tell you exactly what made me want to return to making videos, I guess things just run in cycles and Youtube has become interesting again.

I always enjoyed making videos, coming up with something creative, filming, editing and such, but I never could quite come to terms with the lack of return for the effort I would put in. I would look at other channels and see the progress being made, not always huge strides, often slow progress, then as I looked at my own channel, I would wonder why it was so difficult to get people to want to support it.

The rush of making a video was always a really good feeling, but I could never temper my high expectations and those expectations were never met, not even close.

Of course, now I'd kill for four or five hundred views per video.

Since returning, the reception has been severely underwhelming and I constantly flip flop between giving up and trying again. The views on my videos have dropped to under one hundred per video. It's very hard not to feel hugely unappealing when the numbers are that low. I tweet a link to a new video, I ask for comments and rarely get anything from it. I don't enjoy this aspect of it, because I feel like I'm begging people just to watch.

Maybe I'm just missing the time when things were closer. That'll probably never happen again. There's always been this talk of community with youtube and maybe it still exists, I don't know. I just kind of feel like the only kid in class who wasn't invited to the birthday party.

I will still continue to post videos, I enjoy having something creative to do, it's not very time consuming. I really wish I just didn't care about the response, or lack of it.

I really wish the news media wouldn't revel so gleefully in such tragic accidents like the M5 crash. Why does the general public need to know who the people involved were, where they were going, what they were going there for?

Why does the ITV News feel it necessary to go to the town of some of the deceased relatives and interview them? Is that in the public interest? It is so intrusive, it's beyond crass. It was an awful accident that we should be informed about, and that's it..

Friendships

It's occurred to me recently that friendships seem to have life cycles, or mine do. I don't think I've ever had a good friendship that has lasted more than four years, certainly not one that has been life long.

It's strange, I know a few people who have friends they have known their whole life, I don't know why that's never been the case for me. Oddly I am a person who would greatly benefit from a long lasting friendship. Somebody who has always been there and always will be. I am someone who likes close friendships with just a select few and I value loyalty perhaps more than anything else. I struggle when my friendship group expands and I have always been of the opinion that if you invite more and more people in to your circle, then those who are already there will inevitably get pushed out.

For years this has been my outlook, but it's always blown up in my face. Because as these friendships that I felt were ever lasting come to the end of their life cycle and dry up. My reluctance to let any new people in ultimately means that every few years I'm left friendless. I have nobody to fall back on, nobody to step in to the role of 'best friend' and each time I wonder where or if I'll ever find another friend, sad as that may sound.

At no point in my life do I recall ever definitively ending a friendship, they have tended to gradually fade away and I have always felt there is little I could do to stop that. Over recent years I have valued closer relationships more and more. I don't know whether losing so many friends in the past has made me want to form stronger bonds with those I have befriended subsequently and whether that in turn has made me more nervous about the prospect of losing another friend, or whether in adulthood you just instinctively know how important good friends are and how lost you would feel without them. But I am now finding myself breaking friendships with people as I see the signs that they too will move on sooner rather than later.

I don't know whether I feel as though I'm somehow in the driving seat by doing this or whether I'm just saving face. How many times can your friends sod off before you start to think you might smell? But for whatever reason, this is the course of action I find myself taking more and more. As those who find others begin to believe that things are rosier away from me and as their contact dries up. I find myself continually becoming upset and angry that the virtue of loyalty is not held in such a high regard by other people. And when I find myself constantly begging my friends to be my friends, I think I have to step back and understand that friendships are not necessarily for life and my friend is no longer that. It's a hard pill to swallow, but one I have gotten used to over my life.

It's hard to change the person you are and the traits you hold dear, but I think I have to try to open up and allow more people in to my life so that as the people come and go, I'll have a few more who are left standing alongside me.

Friendship is a funny old thing, but it's something that should never be taken for granted. Never should you think that a friendship will always be there for you if you want it. I have learnt that rarely is that ever the case. Friendship is a privilege and the more it is abused the more meaningless it becomes.

Youtube is broke, but they wont fix it.

I was linked to a video by AndrewBravener today called 'An Open Letter To Youtube' in which he went over a number of reasons why he hasn't been posting videos with any great regularity.

Much of what he said was pretty much spot on, and a lot of it I have said both privately and publicly for some time. The biggest problem being Youtube's decision to stop featuring people on a daily basis on the front page. As he quite rightly alluded to, the daily feature was something for little known youtubers to aspire to, to think that there was a possibility it could happen, was enough to drive many to keep on making videos and then want to continue to improve with each upload.

Why was this? Well at that time, for appreciation. For a small token of recognition. Andrew pointed out early in his video that “Youtube doesn't owe you subscribers or views” and that is correct, and the reasons in which people wish to 'make it' on Youtube have changed dramatically since when I joined in 2007. This was before the days of adsense and partnered channels. There was no monetary advantage at that point from being successful and well known, well not unless you made it pay-off through your own diligence. No, at that time, people just loved their moment in the sun. A day where thousands of people would see the little video that you made and maybe like it and subscribe.

In 2011, people are well aware of the benefits of popularity on youtube. Money! And who wouldn't want it? Who wouldn't want to prop up their career with a steady stream of money coming from making videos every so often and uploading them to the Internet? They know they can make money, can achieve fame, get opportunities for media work and benefit from award invites and industry parties. The reasons for why people are starting Youtube channels is now largely to see what they can get from it, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. These opportunities were not there in the past. If you wanted to get in to presenting or acting, you would likely need to move to London or get an agent. It's great that everybody now has a platform to get themselves seen.

Something that hasn't changed however is the necessity of having contacts. And that is something that AndrewBravener fails to cover in his otherwise excellent video. The problem with people 'playing the game' and trying to make a career from Youtube is that they are closing the doors for other people just as much as Youtube are.

Is it a coincidence that very popular youtubers have a circle of Youtube friends that also happen to be very popular? No. They seek each other out and it's mutually beneficial to them to be friends. I'm not saying that all of their friendships are superficial, or even that they initially intended to make friends with certain people in order to get a leg up. For instance, years ago when I first started, if I were to get a comment from a Nerimon or Jimmy0010, that would excite me more than a comment from a joeblogs100. At that point, those guys only had one or two-thousand subscribers, but at that point, they were still big names. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, it's just human nature to be slightly awe-struck by people with fame. It's no different to being more excited about getting a birthday card from David Beckham than from your mate Steve! So it's likely that these friendships blossomed initially from a mutual appreciation, but 'playing the game' has become hugely important to popular youtubers and they know that links with other youtubers with large fan-bases could pay dividends for them also. Because of this, thier 'friendships' outwardly appear business like.

This is why you'll likely find that all the people on top of Youtube, will have a section on their page linking to other people to subscribe to and this will be full of people that they know and are most likely already quite popular. In turn, their friends will link back to them and all the new subscribers are shared out among a few people. AndrewBravener is guilty of this himself and while on face value, it's not a huge crime, if he and others like him want to bring back the feeling of community, then don't just keep it in the family, branch out. I'm not suggesting that they should link to people that they don't know, but why not link to some of the lesser known people who you are subscribed to? Why only link to a select few who don't need the help?

Alternatively, you could continually rotate your channel links to include all the people that you rate over a period of time. Those at the top have a vested interest in staying there, so I can well understand why they are unwilling to change in order to help others. But to those like AndrewBravener, who do hold some Youtube clout, and do want things to change, they need to spear head the change and actively encourage others to be a part of it.

One thing I remember fondly from those early days on Youtube, was the buzz you got when somebody promoted your channel out of the blue and for no other reason than because they enjoyed your videos and thought more people should see them. I see less and less 'shout out's' now than ever before and even when I see them, it goes like this “Hey to all my one-hundred thousand subscribers out there, big shout out to such and such, go subscribe to them” and then when you go check them out, they too have hundreds of thousands of subscribers. Why not instead, promote that person that you are subscribed to, that only has a few hundred subscribers. You might not know them, but you enjoy what they do, so let people know about them.

I remember my first shout out from EmiliaTsontilis. She didn't have a great number of subscribers, but it didn't matter and I had no idea that she'd done it. One day I woke up and had about twenty more subscription emails than normal and it was brilliant, and it was so nice of somebody to do that. I also got great satisfaction out of promoting SeanieBlahBlah's channel. I can't remember how many subscribers he got from it, but it was enough and he really appreciated it at a time when we barely knew each other. It was those small acts of kindness that made youtube feel like a community, and it's something that people have the power to change just as much as Youtube does.

If a Charlieissocoollike were to mention that he liked a little known youtuber's videos, and that his fans should go have a watch and subscribe if they like them, do you think that would have any less affect than a front page feature? In fact, I'd bet it would have an even greater effect. That is the power that those at the top hold and they have the ability, if they want it, to breath new life in to the website that gave them 'fame'.

As for Youtube themselves. How much do they care about community? They were haemorrhaging money, the business model wasn't working, they changed it. I don't believe Youtube see any great benefit in changing the system to make new stars because at the moment, it's still working for them. Youtube are Chelsea F.C. They have the ageing team, but until the success completely dries up, they don't need to invest in creating new stars when they can invest in ones that already have name value.

About a year or so ago, I wrote to the editor of the UK site to express my anger at the spotlit videos. They were all people with many thousands of subscribers, one of the videos had a million views and was doing pretty well for itself. I wasn't looking for a feature myself, but I just wanted to highlight the absurdity of the videos that were given pride of place and my theory that these people were spotlit because they already had large fan-bases, which means more revenue, which means more money for Youtube. I never received a reply.

Youtube is a business, they seem to have found success and so they have closed the doors in order to concentrate on the 'stars' they already have. The change needs to come from those youtubers at the top, they can promote new channels and cause a trickle down effect. But how does that benefit them? It doesn't, whereas creating a bubble around all the most popular people, sharing the audience among themselves, allows them to remain at the top and make more money. So, how do you get popular of Youtube? Ferret your way in to that select group, make the right friends and ride them all the way to the top. And the people who are trying so hard to do that, stick out like a hard on in a pair of speedos. And they're just as off-putting!

Sometimes I miss my blog

I don't intend this to be a permanent thing. But for the first time since I shut down the blog, I have an urge to write in it.

I am also confused as to whether to reinstate the blog, if only for a short time, or not. I guess, as with most of my blog entries. It's one thing to write down what I'm thinking and feeling, but without releasing that to anybody else, I'm not sure I'll feel like I'm getting anything off of my chest. Merely writing down what I'm feeling seems fruitless. I am feeling it, I already know!

Of course talking would be the obvious remedy of these situations that build to ridiculous levels, but I don't like obvious remedies. Instead, I fanny about with herbal medicine, hoping that it will cure me without the need to see a doctor. It doesn't, because it's shit!

I just wrote what was on my mind. And now it's deleted, because, it didn't make me feel better. Publishing it wouldn't have made me feel better, It wouldn't have made things better. It was the same old cryptic shite that I would write before and you know what? It is so pathetic. Either say what you wanna say or don't. And I guess I don't want to.

Oh, the complexities of blogging.

I am going to write on because I don't want that confusing mess of words to be the only thing written it this first blog in months. And likely this will be the only blog for months also. I don't know that I wish to continue this regularly.

I did an audioboo today. I enjoy audiobooing. It reminds me of when I were young and wanted to be on the radio. I like how much easier it seems than making a video on youtube. I don't have to make an effort to look presentable. I don't have to look for angles where my chins don't look so mammoth. It's just, press record, have a chat and bob's your uncle. Well, I complicate things a little with music, which I'm sure isn't allowed but fuck it. I also like that only about 4 people bother with audioboo, so I don't feel like there's any pressure for it to be all that good.

The podcast is coming along well. I probably have enough now to put together an episode, it's just making the effort. I have quite enjoyed making the episodes, however I don't think I ever thought it'd be as hard as it has proved to be. I think, because I'm doing it alone, the content almost has to be a properly constructed monologue, aimed at being entertaining. When you have a partner to bounce off, it's easy to chat about anything and it'll lead on to the next topic organically. The ease in which you can bounce off people to be entertaining makes it a much more appealing way of making podcasts. Currently, I am thinking quite thoroughly about what goes in the show believe it or not. But after three episodes so far, it does feel like too much effort for what it is. Fortunately those who do regularly listen, seem to enjoy it. Few though that may be, it's still nice that they do. Hopefully they genuinely do too.

I went down to Specsavers this morning (yesterday morning I guess) I've had a little difficulty seeing long distances for a few years now. It's mainly an issue watching TV. Not knowing what the time code says on the football match, not being able to read the information for what's on next on the freeview guide. I never really saw it as a big enough problem to warrant going somewhere I knew I'd be uncomfortable. But over the years it has gradually been more blurry and recently I tried a friends glasses on who had a similar problem, and just on his prescription, I was properly amazed at how clear my vision became. It was like my eyes became HD. I expected it when I looked at the TV (although I figured it'd get bigger, but it actually got smaller and more crisp) but I never imagined how different it would be looking at someones face.

Anyway, it persuaded me to go get the test and hopefully in a weeks time, I'll collect my glasses and have clear vision again. I must say that I was almost fighting against getting glasses now that it seems everyone wears them regardless of whether they need them or not.

FUCK THIS, it's 3am nearly and I'm typing about going and getting an eye test. How pathetically mundane.

Gonna go to bed now. The angst I held when starting this blog seems to have dispersed somewhat, so sleep is now the best option for me.

Phasing Out

I think it's time to move on from people online, all but a few close friends. Because I just don't see a need to pretend anymore with people. I have made a small number of good friends online over the past couple of years. I've also made a number of contacts through the net who aren't friends, they are just part of a group that died back when Stickam ended and I've picked a few more up along the way. Some of these people I liked, some not, however the pretense has gone on long enough and now I don't feel the need to humour people by making small talk with them or pretending I like their videos or whatever else might be expected.

I asked in my last blog what people liked in a blog and one of the points often used was about using a blog to vent grievances about people and specifically, when people vent those thoughts ambiguously. I think I agree with it. I am certainly guilty of it, however I would at the very least defend myself by saying that the vast majority of my grievances were related to close friends and as such, the manor in which I said things were largely gentile and nothing ultra personal was used. It however can be construed as nasty and unhelpful and so I think it's probably the right time to wrap up this log because I haven't much else to blog about other than my feelings and unfortunately that would include venting and I think it would be even worse if I named people.

I think it'll do me good to be away from certain aspects of the Internet. The nastiness is one of those things, some people are obviously very blunt in their language to people and are outright pricks to people. In everyday life you tolerate people who publicly take digs for as long as you can to see if they give up, but one day you think fuck it and punch them in the face. The easiest thing to do is just remove yourself from aspects of the net that you don't like.

I'm still considering how to go about this. I'm not sure about twitter and whether I delete it, or get a new account, because I do actually like twitter. I wont leave YouTube, I may make occasional videos if I get an idea, but I lost the will to care about the 'community' a long time ago, as many others have.

So I think I'll phase this thing out so I can get used to it rather than deleting everything, getting bored and then going back again. The blog is gone, I'll leave this post up for a day or two and then make it only viewable to me. The rest of it, who knows, I think obviously every pocket of friends shares various responsibilities for nastiness and backbiting. But I think it's time we all just think, lets stop pretending.

I guess as a final note to everyone. I have a few close friends, I care very much about them. If I stop making an effort with you, it may not necessarily be because I dislike you. I'm cutting of the edges. We all feel obligated to make small talk but we're not friends, friends are people who you are there for and care about their problems. A quick 5 minute IM on Skype every few weeks does not qualify and that shouldn't be something to be upset about, we all have our select few and although you may wonder, 'what's the harm in casual acquaintances?' I say nothing. However by chit chatting with one person, I then feel obliged to chat to everybody and in all reality nobody really cares, chit chat is a release of boredom for a few minutes. I wouldn't turn my back on real friends.

An Explaination About Football

Rookie manager Rocky, manages the team and he needs to pick the best players available to him. It doesn't matter which teams they came from, his job is to build a new team. Unfortunately there are fringe players and they are of no real use to anybody. They've been there for a while, but there's no way you'd pick them if you had a full strength squad with no injuries. So the fringe players ultimately have to be sold off to smaller teams where they may be able to get first team football. It doesn't matter that some of the fringe players have been good friends with the star player, the star player has no obligation to those on the fringe.

It's the harsh world of football management, where loyalty is impossible and sad though it may be, the friends you make at one team are of no use to you when you move on. Some may go on to play for Madrid, while others may slip into the lower leagues. I'm pretty shit at football.

I wonder what Chris Casper's up to these days?

Some things I wrote a year ago

1st January 2009

New years messages

Unfortunately I only recieved two, I was very happy to recieve any to be honest, PJ sent me one saying 'everyone wished I was there', which is probably not true but nice to hear anyway. But I think the most moving new years message I recieved was from Tom Burns, it was a beautiful message that simply read 'Happy Birthday'

Me thinks he'd drunk a little last night, I got pissed on Lambrini, because I'm just that classy.

2010 - This year I only recieved 2 messages from Darren and Tom. Oh dear. At least Tom's one didn't say 'Happy Birthday' this time XD

31st December 2008

New Year

It seems pretty strange to wish everybody a happy new year after all these depressing posts but I do hope that all the people I care about have a really great 2009 and I hope I can be a part of it in some way. It's not that I don't want the people I don't care about to have a good 2009, I just don't particularly care, either way it'd be nice if everybody could get what they want, apart from the scum, they can just die in 2009. Hitler had the right idea but the wrong target, lets cleanse the world of all the scummy arseholes who get suspended sentences for assault and whatever other ridiculously soft "punishments" this Country hands out.

Anyway, happy new year and shit

Extract from entry entitled 'Change'

Am watching top of the pops, Reggie and Fern should just fuck off. Also it's possible to be so good at singing that you ruin a song, learn that Leona.

*UPDATE* STILL FUCK OFF FERN AND REGGIE!!

20th December 2008

I just remembered

In my dream last night, I was gonna do heroin with Jeff Buckley and his mate. but I chickened out and Jeff OD'd and I had to run shouting for help. It's weird cos I think he actually drowned and I don't own a Jeff Buckley CD and I barely know what he looks like apart from good looking. But I love how inventive dreams can be.

How important do you consider your tweets?

I just vented a little on twitter. But 140 characters are by no way enough to express how fucked off I am by it all. I touched on it in my last blog post about how everybody doesn't show the same support as they used to, and that I could understand how people didn't have the same level of commitment to youtube anymore, myself included. However, one thing that none of us are ever off, is twitter.

How hard is it, for people who you believe to be your friends, to retweet a video that you have worked on. You don't even have to fucking like it, just retweet the original message. I've lost count of how many times I've commented on friends videos that I didn't much care for or have anything to say about it, but I did it, because, they are my friend and I wanted to show them support from a source they would expect it from. So the argument of not tweeting because you don't rate it is out the window. Is throwing a tweet away on retweeting a friends video and helping them get something they worked hard on seen by more people, really worth less than throwing a tweet away on saying "it's snowing :)" or "so and so, just won at Mario" or "ROFL *picture link*"

It's just such an easy and effortless gesture to give to a friend. People, sell themselves on youtube, there are many instances of people supporting them even financially.

I dunno where I'm going, just fucked me off that after an hour, like 4 people had retweeted Dale's video, 2 of them were people that he didn't even know. What have people got to lose by clicking the retweet button and trying to get it off the ground, he has many "friends" on the internet and it's fucking selfish or lazy to just ignore such a simple gesture that takes no effort and means something to somebody.

I'm probably as guilty as everybody I'm fucked off with right now. But with the loss of support that people used to give. Maybe we should try and get on the retweet thing a little more? Or maybe people have too many friends and can't keep up with all the videos. Well, then, you're mistaken, you don't have the friends that you think you have.

Some ranting about some stuff

Firstly. Everyone on my google reader are shit at writing blogs. There's never anything to read anymore. All we get now are images of dogs wearing hats and such that people deem worthy of tumblr and someone else liked it and they linked to it, then there are a nest of names that mean fuck all to me, the end. Sort it out people.

I just allowed myself for the first time in months to check up on someone I've had to cut out for my own sake. And I thought I'd feel utter shit as usual. But I didn't! I felt fine, I guess that's progress. It's sad how things work out, but I have no control over it, I took measures to protect myself for once and it feels great not to have those emotions eating away at me any longer. It's good!

Next up - Holly Willoughby. What the fucking fuck is going on at ITV? Who the hell is that bird fucking to be plastered all over the tele on every fucking programme in existence across their network? I think it's Phillip Schofield personally. But what has she got going for her? She's not pretty. She might have a decent body but she has a square face with rounded features, none of which are attractive. She looks like Kim Clijsters FFS. But you know what? I'm being shallow! Personality goes a long way! Remember the pig? Wait a cotton pickin second, she has zero personality, no charisma and all the humour of a brick. So, let me recap. The girl isn't much to look at, has nothing personality wise, but yet hosts just about everything on ITV1 and ITV2? Seriously, she's either shagging somebody or she's got dirty secrets on higher ups.

The other day on twitter, I posted this tweet 'Retweet this message', and like 25 people did it. Fuck knows why, it was meaningless, however when I actually put together a video, one that I am rather proud of by the way, it's a struggle to get anybody to retweet. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to upload a video and then spend 3 days spamming the fuck out of it on twitter hoping someone may bother watching and commenting on it. I'd far rather let that all happen on it's own. But youtube doesn't work that way any longer. The tightness we used to have as a group where we would all support each others videos, by commenting, rating and often featuring on our own channels have long gone, it's a shame! And yes, I am aware that it's more of a shame for me than it is for PJ or Dave because I have more to gain from being on their page than they do mine. However, it wasn't about wanting to sub whore back then, it was just about giving kudos to a person you actually thought made a good video that deserved to be seen. Benjy left a message on my video saying how he'd featured it on his page and it just reminded me of the old times where people seemed to care about what other people were doing. I'm certainly not blameless in this, I too am guilty of not commenting when perhaps I should, I found things to say in the past, so I should be able to today. And yes, this is triggered by a disappointment of a video I actually am proud of, struggling to get any views. But not solely. I think the decline in youtube has been apparent for a long while and it's just occasions like this that remind me of when it was imersive and close.

Secondly, I wrote several videos lately. One had Me and Crabstickz in it, one had just me. I may be lacking in modesty here, but I think both were funny. I actually prefer the Africare one. However, the success or lack of success of the videos is evident. So, I just find it irksome that it takes a youtuber with many thousands of subscribers to get people to watch the things and actually give a fuck. I don't understand why this is, I honestly don't! I have over a thousand subscribers but barely manage 300 views. So 700 of you should fuck off, go away! Youtube has taken the ability for me to unsubscribe people from my channel away, because otherwise, I'd of had a cull a few months ago. This was a primary reason I left youtube before, it's like, I don't know what I can do, to make people watch, and yes it matters. It validates the effort I put in, the more people watch it.

If you, are in a video with a large youtuber, you are seen as whoring subs, however the top echelon of youtubers sub whore among themselves anyway and they don't even need to, They all have subscribe to lists full of people who have already gotten somewhere on youtube. And an argument you often hear is that "these are my friends". To that, I would just say, isn't it coincidental that all the people with a certain large fan base are great friends with other people with a certain large fan base. I'm not saying the friendships are not genuine, however, I'd be surprised if they started their friendships under genuine circumstances. I could pull out a good example on a page of one of my own friends, but I don't really wish to rock the boat too close to home. I can't be arsed. This isn't what the blog is intended for and I have no interest in the drama anymore. These are just honest observations that I believe to be true.

Obviously, there are other reasons for the lack of interest in user generated content. Primarily the daily feature that once spurred people on to make a video worthy of being featured has long gone and the incentive to care has been taken away, and with that, the carrot of a little success has diminished. The TV companies have moved in also. But still, I think it's a shame that the core support we had amongst ourselves has diminished along with it.

I have a new video. I'm very proud of it. I think it's one of the best videos I have made on youtube. I'm glad people appear to be finding it funny rather than offensive. The danger was always how seriously people would take the apparent trivializing of famine and poverty, but I think everybody got that it was not about that, it was about the thousands of "charities" that apparently work doing the same thing and feel the need to beg for money, a lot of which goes in their own pocket.

If you read this blog and you haven't seen it, or commented on it, then please do.