I ache right now. But it's gonna get better!

I totally ache from my waist down. This is because I've barely used my limbs in weeks, There was Christmas first, and then the snow came and made it difficult to walk and from there I just fell out of the habit. I've been staying up too long, sleeping too long and then doing nothing. I really need to go for a walk tomorrow for my body's sake. The inactivity has lead to me eating more also, I'm gradually putting on some of the weight I lost and I need to stop that fast and reverse it.

On a more positive note. I've had an idea knocking around my head for some time, I really want to make it happen in some way. Maybe not on as big a scale as I am thinking now. I tend to think big and realise it's impossible cost wise and think, 'ah well' and then do nothing. But I think I really need to research this one and try and give it a shot on some level. Hopefully I can get people on board with it and have some fun.

Something I forgot to say before. You may remember I was worried about my dog because she was being sick a lot. Well, it turned out that the pain medicine she was taking because of her torn cruciate ligament was causing her to vomit. So she's off that and her leg seems to be gradually healing by itself. So that's nice!

In other news. David's Sullivan and Gold, bought a controlling 50% share of West Ham on Tuesday. So the immediate threat of administration and having to sell our best players has gone and we are now looking at strengthening the side. So hopefully we can climb the league soon and get away from relegation. Ruud Van Nistelrooy to the Boleyn? We'll see.

Waiting

Sometimes you put things off and then you put them off again, and again and again and again. And eventually it's too late.

Although I know this is the case, it doesn't seem to change anything.

I am in a perpetual state of worry! S:-|

...

I've been watching a lot of 3rd Rock from the sun recently. I never got it when it used to be on BBC in the mid nineties. I think partly because I didn't see it from the beginning and just thought it was the typical American OTT sitcom. How wrong I was. Well, not wrong, it's certainly over the top however the fact that they are aliens give sound reasoning as to why they behave peculiarly. I think it's one of the best sitcoms of all time. And John Lithgow in the role of Dick Solomon is just genius! It would be nice to be so fresh to this world, so that all the experiences are new and exciting. Not that I've given myself a fair crack at life, or experienced much of what it has to offer.

Sometimes I feel afraid to write what I want to write on this blog, fearing the repercussions, talking too soon. It's indicative of how I've lived my life, in fear. Being afraid to step outside of my comfort zone be it at school, and being asked to go into another classroom and the sheer feeling of dread because I didn't know anybody or sports day, where I was afraid I would come last and embarrass myself in front of everybody. So I would run off and hide every year just long enough for my race to be over. In the years I was there, I don't think my parents once saw me compete. This was aged 5 or 6. Who would have thought it would still be a problem for me some twenty years later? Wasted.

And

You know what? I can't even begin to tell you how hurt I am by it also.

Really gutted.

I don't like this!

It's been a weird night. I shouldn't stay awake so long. The distractions that stop me thinking are gone. I was alright, then I wasn't, just some morbid thoughts kinda sent a shiver down my spine and left me feeling peculiar. I don't know why things are so complex, why are, relationships/friendships so complicated? It's like one minute things are fine and then they turn without any explanation as to why. Good and bad. I'd say I've gotten closer to somebody recently who had become distant and likewise, the opposite has happened elsewhere. Actions people decide to take, no matter how small, can have such a huge impact.

The feeling of being out in the cold is bad enough but it's the actions that send the message, it's what symbolizes how you feel, what you think. And ultimately, will likely leave you feeling very alone. I can't be bothered to go into who is a confidant, and all the other things beside. But people should never be picked up and put down. It's quite unfair, and without reason, it's quite baffling. I dunno. Go live on a deserted island, with berries, and clouds and fluffy white animals. Build a nest and raise some ants. It's fairyland, and reality will strike and nobody will be around to hear about it.It's the danger of casting people aside.

My thoughts are not only morbid, at this time, they are entirely negative and bitter and I sometimes I feel like I am justified in feeling the way I feel. Crap, I feel crap... most of the time, and people distract me from that. But gestures will never be enough, that's not how it works. It's just about always being about for somebody you are supposed to care about and the same is expected in return.

I really don't know what more I can vent about. I'm mentally tired. I've been asked several times in the past whether I'm bipolar. I'm not, I've "suffered" depression plenty, ongoing and other boring head games, but sometimes I kinda wish I was bipolar, because as shit as the lows would be, I wanna experience the mania, the unbelievable highs. I seems quite an improvement on feeling shit all the time.

Blog #133

I feel pretty down at the moment, I feel totally detached from a lot of people. I don't even know how to explain it or if it's anything different to previous blogs. I guess we're all selfish in a way, thinking of what we want and if that involves somebody else then they should do what we want so that we can feel good. But, there are too many conflicts, so it doesn't matter whether you are left out because new people are better or because somebody focuses their attention on just one person. Ultimately, we can't all get what we want.

Add to this, I wrote a few months back about having to put my dog to sleep. I am pretty worried at the moment because the other Chow that we have has started regularly throwing up also. She is showing symptoms that Lychee did and I can't bear to go through it again. Lychee was too young at eight to have to be put to sleep, but Rema is just two years old, she has also just recently torn her cruciate ligament for the second time. She is going through the wars, and I just hope that nothing serious is happening re: the vomiting. I also feel bad for Togo, our little mongrel, he is not understanding why he's suddenly not allowed to play with Rema and suddenly she is getting far more attention that he is. On top of this, the weather has made it difficult to walk the dogs and all the roads and pavements are hazardous where the snow has been trodden down to ice and no new snowfall has cushioned it.

The snow looks lovely for a couple of days, but now I am bored of it and I want it to melt so that things can go back to normal. Not least, being able to get to the vets.

I really wish my world was totally different.

An Explaination About Football

Rookie manager Rocky, manages the team and he needs to pick the best players available to him. It doesn't matter which teams they came from, his job is to build a new team. Unfortunately there are fringe players and they are of no real use to anybody. They've been there for a while, but there's no way you'd pick them if you had a full strength squad with no injuries. So the fringe players ultimately have to be sold off to smaller teams where they may be able to get first team football. It doesn't matter that some of the fringe players have been good friends with the star player, the star player has no obligation to those on the fringe.

It's the harsh world of football management, where loyalty is impossible and sad though it may be, the friends you make at one team are of no use to you when you move on. Some may go on to play for Madrid, while others may slip into the lower leagues. I'm pretty shit at football.

I wonder what Chris Casper's up to these days?

Blogs in 09

In 2009, I wrote 84 blogs. Averaging 7 blog posts per month. Nearly 2 a week. I think that's pretty good going!

I've never written a diary before I started this blog. Although it doesn't particularly document daily life, I just read back a few posts from a year ago and enjoyed remembering the past. And because you forget it as soon as you have written it, it's quite interesting reading it all back.

People should make a bigger effort with their blogs in 2010. Most people have been really slack in 2009 and it's a shame because I enjoyed reading your entries. Instead, Tumblr took over and people decided that posting images of things nobody cares about was better. Shame.

Some things I wrote a year ago

1st January 2009

New years messages

Unfortunately I only recieved two, I was very happy to recieve any to be honest, PJ sent me one saying 'everyone wished I was there', which is probably not true but nice to hear anyway. But I think the most moving new years message I recieved was from Tom Burns, it was a beautiful message that simply read 'Happy Birthday'

Me thinks he'd drunk a little last night, I got pissed on Lambrini, because I'm just that classy.

2010 - This year I only recieved 2 messages from Darren and Tom. Oh dear. At least Tom's one didn't say 'Happy Birthday' this time XD

31st December 2008

New Year

It seems pretty strange to wish everybody a happy new year after all these depressing posts but I do hope that all the people I care about have a really great 2009 and I hope I can be a part of it in some way. It's not that I don't want the people I don't care about to have a good 2009, I just don't particularly care, either way it'd be nice if everybody could get what they want, apart from the scum, they can just die in 2009. Hitler had the right idea but the wrong target, lets cleanse the world of all the scummy arseholes who get suspended sentences for assault and whatever other ridiculously soft "punishments" this Country hands out.

Anyway, happy new year and shit

Extract from entry entitled 'Change'

Am watching top of the pops, Reggie and Fern should just fuck off. Also it's possible to be so good at singing that you ruin a song, learn that Leona.

*UPDATE* STILL FUCK OFF FERN AND REGGIE!!

20th December 2008

I just remembered

In my dream last night, I was gonna do heroin with Jeff Buckley and his mate. but I chickened out and Jeff OD'd and I had to run shouting for help. It's weird cos I think he actually drowned and I don't own a Jeff Buckley CD and I barely know what he looks like apart from good looking. But I love how inventive dreams can be.

Audio Blog